Saturday, December 9, 2006

Where do I begin ...

Where do I begin … that reminds me to the tune of Love Story by Andy Williams. My dad used to sing that when I was a kid. Even though he’s gone, his love for music still lives inside me. I could talk about my dad but that’s not the reason I decided to blog. My reason to write is basically to get out of the closet. Not to brag but to release those emotions that kept me tensed all the while. I've no one who understand me now. Thought I did a few months back but somehow I complicated the situation and drove her away instead.

Lately, my life was like hell. I easily get upset for some reason. At times, I feel as if I can't survive the phase I'm going through. That scary thought came about when mum was away for a while. Not that I can’t manage on my own but at times I need someone with me. I tried to reach out to whoever was around but none was available. My friends have their own circle of friends, close friends are in KL, ex-school mate is busy with family, my single cousins not interested ... etc. It's so frustrating when I've got time and money to spend but none could join. All I asked is a simple get-together, an hour or two the most for some fun and laughter. 

Makes me wonder why I’m so unlucky with friends. I don't have best friend since I was a kid. In those early days, it's a struggle even to understand friendship. I was that fat-ugly-dark kid who nobody wants to play with. But now as adults, one shouldn't be treated the same way as they were a kid. I may not be attractive but when it comes to friendship, I would do anything to make others happy. If I was able to put a smile on their face, can’t they return the favor? Is friendship a favour?

One don’t have to be attractive (as in pretty) but pure in heart to attract others. I hope it’s not the gay factor in me that drives them away. What scares me the most is that dreadful thought of being alone till the day I die.


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