Thursday, December 13, 2007

Taking Chances ...

It’s been a year since I started this blog. It initially started off as a venue to delve into my life journey. It’s like putting bits & pieces together to solve a mystery. I was basically trying to figure out what makes me today and who I am to become tomorrow. It’s still a puzzle of what changed me at the early stage of life. Perhaps it was a pre-destined incident that wasn’t meant to be explored. As of now, it doesn’t matter the rationale behind it since I’ve accepted my life years ago. What’s more important is to find the will to survive. All I need is endless strength to be physically and emotionally fit to sustain this trying journey. For sure, it’s a big challenge to attain this kind of life but I’ll do it anyway. It’s the only desire that my heart lives for. I’ll take any chances given and willing to go through all the way.


To Be or Not To Be is not the question 
To Want and to Have is the only decision

XOXO

Celine Dion - Taking Chances
Don't know much about your life 
Don't know much about your world but 
Don't want to be alone tonight 
On this planet they call earth 

You don't know about my past
And I don't have a future figured out 
And maybe this is going too fast 
And maybe it's not meant to last 

But what do you say to taking chances 
What do you say to jumping off the edge 
Never knowing if there's solid ground below 
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay 
What do you say … 

I just want to start again 
And maybe you could show me how to try 
And maybe you could take me in 
Somewhere underneath your skin
 
What do you say to taking chances 
What do you say to jumping off the edge 
Never knowing if there's solid ground below 
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay 
What do you say … 

And I had my heart beaten down 
But I always come back for more 
There’s nothing like love to pull you up 
When you’re laying down on the floor there 
So talk to me … like lovers do 
Walk with me … like lovers do

What do you say to taking chances 
What do you say to jumping off the edge 
Never knowing if there's solid ground below 
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay 
What do you say … 
Don’t know much about your life 
And I don’t know much about your world

Friday, December 7, 2007

You Put A Spell On Me

You Put a Spell on Me … 
I used to be happy 
Now misery loves me 

You Put a Spell on Me … 
I used to have a dream 
Now I’ve lost the esteem 

You Put a Spell on Me … 
I used to feel what love is 
Now I don’t know what it is

You Put a Spell on Me … 
I used to think a world about us 
Now I don’t know where it leads us 

You Put a Spell on Me … 
I used to adore you 
Now I hardly fancy you 

You Put a Spell on Me … 
I used to care for everybody 
Now no one can stand me 

You Put a Spell on Me … 
I used to live my life 
Now it’s a struggle to survive

Thursday, November 22, 2007

I Said ... She Said

I said Hey there … how was your day? 
She said Please go away 

I said What’s wrong? 
She said Nothing. Just move along 

I said Come on, what’s on your mind? 
She said I just need time to unwind 

I said Is there anything I can do? 
She said It’s ok … no thank you! 

I said I’m there if you need me 
She said Yeah right, we’ll see!! 

I said Hey … I really mean what I said 
She said Sorry. It’s just things not looking good ahead 

I said No matter what I’m with you 
She said I wish no one knew 

I said We do make mistake 
She said It’s something that I can’t forsake 

I said I wish I could help in some way 
She said All I could do now is pray 

I said It probably need more time
She said I hope it won’t take a lifetime

I said Don’t worry … things will be okay 
She said Thank you so much for making my day 

I said Take care … 
She said Thanks for being there

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Pet Sister

While browsing internet recently, I found a photo of someone who resembles a friend from boarding school. Initially, I wasn’t sure but after careful observation, there's a possibility it might be her. The eyes, lips and smile looks very similar, the only difference is hair color. I'm very convinced that it was her. I was searching for her contact info but there's none. The photo could have been some random upload by her friends.

She’s a year younger than me, knew her when she started Form 4 in boarding school. Her name is similar to mine but people called her "Ira". Her sweet and innocent looks attracted many guys in school. She was assigned under my care in Girl Guides, so it was my responsibility to ensure no one takes advantage of her.

After a few bonding sessions, she asked me to be her Pet Sister as she felt being close to a senior would discourage unwanted visits from the guys. Even if she didn’t mention anything about it, I would still offer her to be mine. We normally spent an hour hanging around the school in the evenings before prep session at night. That went on for only a few months until a hysteria incident in 1989. 

That night was windy with a slight drizzle and occasionally accompanied by thunder. All of us were confined inside the hostel. No one was allowed to go back home, except those badly affected by hysteria. Everyone was afraid to leave their room. All I could think at that moment was her. She always needed comfort, especially in times like this. I tried to make an escape to her room but was caught by the warden and told to return immediately. I could only imagine how terrified she would be at that moment. Just when I almost reached my room, there was a continuous scream. I could hardly tell where it came from. Out of curiosity, everyone rushed outside. Moments later, someone came to me and said it was Ira. I rushed to her room instantly and helped others to calm her down. She kept on screaming uncontrollably. I got kicked on the stomach when I tried to hold her down. For someone small, even 5 people aren't enough to hold her. We immediately took her home in a school van. Although my stomach was in pain, I still held her tightly until we reached her house which took about half hour drive. The moment we entered her room upstairs, there was a sudden blackout. The weird thing is the blackout only happened in her room. The rest of the house was still bright. After about 10 seconds, the light came back and she stopped screaming. She instantly looked calmed that moment. No one knows what happened during that 10 seconds blackout and it was the spookiest night in my entire life!

She was a different person when she returned to the hostel two weeks later. She avoided talking to people, including her close friends. Even after a month, I still can’t get close to her. I decided to let her be herself and gave her more time to recover. Only after a few months, she was okay to see me. We had brief chat occasionally and that was it. I don’t want to go beyond that as she might push me away for the second time. Although I was no longer her Pet Sister, I was able to foster a similar relationship. Before I left school after completed Form 5, I gave her a silver custom-made pendant with the name “NazSha”. It signifies our special bond … something we had that she might recall someday. Unfortunately, she never did. What changed her after the hysteria remains a mystery until today.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

What’s with the Piercing?

During lunch time yesterday, a close friend asked about my ear piercings. If I remembered precisely, that’s not the first time she asked. I gave her the same answer as before. I said they’re just for fun when in actual fact, they’re not. The truth is, they reminded me of someone I love years ago. Wish I could easily share with anyone but I can’t. Baby is the only one who knew when I told her about my past 2 years ago. 

I had my second piercing after my first break up with Eila in 1998 after caught her sneaking out with a guy when we were together. Although we made up after that, it lasted only 6 months when she suddenly went away. She quit her job and left without a word. I searched for her everywhere but no one knows her whereabout. Her family refused to tell the truth, her best friend avoided me and her office mates said they knew nothing about her being away. I was frustrated as there's no one left to ask. Someone must have known something but refused to tell the truth. After months of search, I decided to stop as it led me nowhere. It was then I had the third piercing to remind me of the incident. I never regret having it although she came back a year later. When she left again in 2001, I totally lost faith in love. My heart just can't take it and I had to let her go. Don't want to pierce anymore when she left for the third time. Deep down inside, I still believe she will come back again someday. I still do ...

If it doesn’t hurt, then it’s definitely not love. T
hat's the reason why. It hurts me so bad that I hurt myself even more to get over it. I don't do it for just anyone. Even when I was on a ‘break’ with Baby in April 2006, I didn’t do anything to hurt myself. Baby is just someone I was looking to replace Eila but turned out that no one can take her place in my heart. She's irreplaceable. 
Love hurts but life hurts more when you’re not with that special someone. For the ultimate act of love, I would ‘Tattoo’ her name in my heart ... which I already did.

Just like a Tattoo … I’ll always have you Eila

XOXO

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Der EnGeL

R - Remember the Times that we Shared

O - One Remarkable thing I shall Never Forget

S - She paints a picture of Life’s Simple Pleasure

H - Her Thoughtfulness is such a Treasure

I - In search of Words, none could ever Measure

L - Love and Compassion she has for one another

A - Amazing things are all she’s ever done

W - Wherever she goes, she’s still The One

A - A Friend in need is a friend Indeed

T - These are the Beautiful things about Her

I - Irreplaceable … that’s the Definition of her
 

Chasing Cars

Something extraordinary happened last week on the way to Queens Bay Mall during lunch. It was a last minute plan to find a special gift for a dear friend. Just after I drove out of the office car park, Baby’s car was in front of me at the main junction. I purposely drove very close behind her and flashed a few times to get her attention. As expected, she sped off, switched lanes and swerved in between cars to leave me behind. I laughed at what just happened as we enjoyed teasing each other in a fun way. I tried to catch up with her. At the 1st traffic light, I could still see part of her car although there were a few cars ahead. By the time I reached 2nd traffic light, she was totally out of my sight. I could imagine her cheeky smile when I finally lost her. Just seconds after that, I noticed a familiar car. Not sure if it belongs to a dear friend, the one I’m buying a gift. Thinking that it wasn’t her, my mind started to wander what to get her.

Once the traffic light turned green, I decided to catch up with that car. Just before the forked junction, the car sped off and I couldn’t determine if it went straight ahead or turned left, the way that I was heading. I was disappointed for the 2nd time that day. Just when I was about to give up, unexpectedly at the 3rd traffic light, the car was exactly on my left lane, slightly ahead of me. Out of curiosity, I drove close enough to see the driver. To my surprise, it was really her, my dear friend whom I was chasing after Baby left me earlier. It was the 1st time we met driving on the road. I briefly acknowledged her and continued thinking of her perfect gift.

At the 4th traffic light, her car was exactly behind mine. At that point of time, I knew that we were heading to Queens Bay Mall, which used to be our ‘sacred place’ for Friday lunch. For the rest of the way there, all I could think was it would be the last time we drove together. Though we were heading the same way, we went separate ways once reached the mall. She knew exactly where she was going while I was still struggling to find her perfect gift. I promised to myself that it would be the first beautiful thing that catch my eyes … just like the way she caught mine.

There's something about the 'chase' that lingers in my mind until today. I realized that I was disappointed when couldn't catch up with my dear friend instead of Baby. It felt more disappointing to lose someone I'd like to get close with than the one I've been chasing after. The closest reflection I could relate this incident is quoted from The Little Prince, "But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart.". What I do know for sure is that even though the 'catch' lasted only for a moment, the 'triumph' feels like it lasts forever.

"Mirror ... Mirror in my hand, tell me where do I stand?"

XOXO

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
We'll do it all, everything, on our own
We don't need anything or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace to remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world

Saturday, September 29, 2007

The Time For Us

The first time we met 
It was a brief casual chat 
All she needed was just a teabag 

The first time we exchanged glance 
Almost left me in a trance
Intense was how it ends 

The first time she touched my arm 
There was no slight of alarm 
Must be her beautiful charm 

The first time she gave me a hug 
It wasn’t a real snug 
Just to show how she was bugged 

The first time we walked together 
We burst into laughter 
On the way to satisfy our hunger 

The first time she held onto my shoulder 
Her heels entangled with one another 
Should’ve offered my hands to hold her 

The first time we dine 
She looks so divine 
Her words blew out my mind 

The first time I looked into her eyes 
There was no disguise 
Only sparkles … no lies 

The first time we shared our past 
It wasn’t a blast or even aghast 
The feelings somehow didn’t last 

The first time I whispered into her ear 
It felt kind of queer 
Makes me want to disappear 

The first time I touched her hand 
She was stunned coz I never meant 
Just a reaction to situation unplanned 

The first time I gently pat her back 
I sensed that she was taken aback 
I should’ve just instead lay back 

The first time I touched her heart 
I ended up tore it apart 
A sense of regret that will never part 

The first time she touched my hand 
I could no longer pretend 
Just dying inside for the silence to end 

The first time we got back along 
It didn’t last that long 
The feeling was still strong 

The first time I touched her face 
She was full of grace 
Makes me want to embrace 

The last time I looked into her eyes 
My heart endlessly cries 
How could I break her trust 

The last time we got together 
I made another blunder 
Wonder if I have totally lost her

The last time we talked to each other 
Her reaction made it very clear 
We can never be together




















The first time I tried to say goodbye
I couldn’t even look into her eyes 
My heart … just won’t tell lies 

The first time she said goodbye 
My eyes silently cry 
My heart slowly die ... 

The last moments we spent together 
Her final words linger in my ear
I still love her … miss her so dear

An Affair to Remember

I don’t remember exactly the first time I saw her but I do recall our first chat in 2003. It took place in the office pantry while I was making coffee. She was very disappointed that morning as there's no more teabag left. She can’t take coffee as she was pregnant with her 2nd child. There's nothing else left and she needed a drink to kick off the day. I felt sorry for her and offered my own teabag instead which I have extras. That was our first chat, it was very brief. Due to our busy schedule, we hardly bumped into each other again. Occasionally I saw her walked passed my cubicle on her way out for lunch. Then in early 2005, we got acquainted a little better when a close friend who happened to know her invited me to join them with few others for lunch. Since that day onwards, I always look forward for our friday lunch sessions. 
 
A few months later during lunch, she brought up an interesting topic about intimate relationship between two girls in an Indonesian movie, ‘Tentang Dia’. I don't know what made her wanted to discuss about such relationship. Out of curiosity, I bought the VCD to understand what the fuss is all about the movie. A few months after that, I told her about the VCD which made her wanted to borrow. Since she was extremely busy, it took her almost a month to finish as she could only watch privately in the office after work. Sometime in Oct 2005, we got to know our ‘little secrets’. I received email saying the movie reminded her of similar relationship with her best friend. Although she didn't share in detail, I was appalled for a moment with her confession. I didn't expect that coming from her. Since she was willing enough to open up, I replied that I had a similar thing with a girl too. We swore not to tell a soul about each other's secrets. We never did ... it was left as it is and we moved on like there’s nothing else to tell.

In end July 2006, we were the only ones available for lunch as the rest had other plans. I still remember that day. That was The First Time she looked extremely gorgeous wearing beautiful kebaya with high heels and carrying one of a kind wood-crafted handbag. If I had known she would dressed up elegantly, I would have put on my best pants and shirt. Luckily we were color-coordinated and looked compatible in a way. As we were walking towards the carpark, her heels got tangled in between the stone walkway. She held onto my shoulder for support as she was trying to fix them. As I waited for her, there were a group of ladies chilling on the grass lawn watching us. I should've offered my help instead of letting her handle by herself. Once done, we continued walking together as if nothing happened. During that moment I’ve never felt so proud to walk by her side leaving curious onlookers wondering about us. I took her to E-Gate Secret Recipe. That was the first time it was just the two of us and it was then we knew more of each other. When there was nothing left to say, she started talking about her past relationship with her best friend. Towards the end of our meal, I wanted to tell her about mine but don't know where to begin. With the place crowded and noisy with hungry patrons, it made even harder for me to think back what happened more than a decade ago. I could tell from her face that she looked disappointed when I didn't say much about my past, only bits and pieces.

When we came back from lunch, my mind started to wonder about my past. I felt compelled to tell her the whole story after she opened up to me. That weekend, I searched through my personal stuff from archived CDs. I was looking for something I wrote to someone when both of us were studying in UK. After re-format into pdf, I emailed her as I felt too ashamed to talk about it face to face. Since that day onwards, there were a series of email between us, exchanging thoughts of our loved ones. We never stop thinking of them even though we had moved on all these years. We even got to know that we shared the same song. Bryan Adam's Please Forgive Me is the song we dedicated to our loved ones. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we declared it simultaneously. I doubt so but if that were to happen, it would be totally ironic!

I was pleased to finally found someone whom I felt comfortable to open up about myself. It's like searching for someone similar to a soulmate. I felt so ease and certainly at peace. I never had that chance before as I was afraid of rejection once people knew my true self. The thought of knowing someone with similar past made me feel liberated in a way. We took precaution all the time - only communicated through email or office messenger and never discussed in the open. Even when we met along the corridor in the office, we never mention a single word about it. We sort of give each other a look that says, ‘No worries ... I do understand’.

One unexpected day, I found myself falling for her. I don’t know how it happened as we didn't show any signs of affection towards another. However, I do recall a few random ones when we were out with lunch mates. The first one was when all of us were walking in the carpark and she wanted to show how someone tried to hug her. That's when I was caught by surprise when she snugged me from behind. The other incident happened while we were walking in the mall when suddenly she  held my arm to stop me and showed something that caught her eyes. Another time was when she held my hand to get something from my shopping bag. I do recall the time I accidentally touched her hand. It happened when I was about to drive into in a parking space and at the same time, there was another car from behind trying to get into the same spot. She wanted to get out to stop the car but I held her hand to stop her instead. It wasn’t done on purpose, just a reflex reaction as I don’t want her to get into trouble. The closest we've been was when she asked me to touch up her face while getting ready for Commendation Awards Dinner. I was trembling inside being so close to her that night. Although those were just spur at the moment kind of thing, still they could trigger some sort of feelings inside. 

All those times when we shared our past, it never crossed my mind that there could be something between us. Although I love to look into her eyes every time we met, it doesn’t mean that I felt something for her. Nonetheless, I can't deny the fact that she has a certain charm that caught my eyes all the while. I truly admire her self-confidence, compassion and passion in everything she does. She put her heart and soul in pursuing whatever she believes. I was absolutely drawn towards her beautiful character. She inspired me to be a better me. That’s the reason I enjoyed more of her company each day.

I know that having some sort of affection for her is very inappropriate as she trusted me for being a good friend. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have shared her secrets with me. I told myself many times to put it aside but my heart just can’t deny what it feels inside. Last year on her birthday, I made a stupid mistake that totally ruined our beautiful friendship. I got too carried away in my creativity and made her a media slide "about us". She felt very uncomfortable and avoided me ever since. The worst part is that she preferred not to join friday lunch whenever I'm around. I felt so guilty for making her life miserable as I never meant any of that to happen. I tried to sort things out but the opportunity never came about.

Finally in Dec 2006, I emailed to her and confessed about everything. As expected, she was very furious. That time, I had totally crossed the line. We never spoke or saw each other again until my birthday celebration in Jan 2007. I was extremely happy as she finally broke her silence. We briefly acknowledged each other but the words spoken were not meant as they were before. I could never get myself to look into her eyes again as I felt too ashamed for what I did. I truly deserve that as it was my own foolish mistake.
 
Things were never the same again. We had less interaction and obviously we were not as close as we were before. Even when we tried to be friendly, a sense of discomfort made us feel more of a stranger to one another. It was hard to strike a conversation with her. My mind froze and my lips can't say a single word. The worst part was I even contemplated to say 'Hi' to her, thinking that she may not like it. I ended up with nothing to say at all. I felt useless, as if I've lost my ‘charm’. It happened too many times and at some point, I felt totally incompetent to be around her at all. Until today, I still wish that I could comfortably talk to her like I used to. That thought of mine ended up as wishful thinking instead. It was too late ... she's leaving soon.

A year had gone by but I still can’t figure out why it was so hard to let go ... my heart wasn't willing to live a lie. I've passed the cross-road and I chose the wrong path. Though I'm heading nowhere, I'm glad I took the chance of a lifetime. I may not reach my destination but I'm truly blessed for the best times I had throughout the journey. I shall continue this never-ending journey in a new path till I find my true destiny. 

I asked myself before, would I feel something for her even if she didn’t open up to me at all? The answer will still be 'Yes'. My affection towards her has little to do with our secrets, it was more of her personality. I was drawn towards her inner beauty, her beautiful soul captivated my heart. Although This Masquerade has come to an end, there were a few stolen moments that I shall never forget - the times when I looked into her eyes. They were the most sincere moments we had. The heart may deny what’s buried deep down inside but the truth lies within the naked eyes. Undeniably, this is truly An Affair to Remember.




Lara,
I'm truly sorry for everything … Please Forgive Me

Truly,
JP




Ne Me Quitta Pas
Don't leave me
We must forget
All can be forgotten
That has already passed away
Forget the time
Of misunderstandings
And the time lost
Trying to know "how"
Forget those hours
That sometimes kill
With slaps of "why"
The heart of happiness
Don't leave me (4x)

I will give to you
Pearls made of rain
From countries
Where it never rains
I will work the land
All my life and beyond
To cover your body
With gold and with light
I will make a land
Where love will be king
Where love will be law
Where you will be queen
Don't leave me (4x)

Don't leave me
I will invent, for you
Fanciful words
That you'll understand
I will tell you
About those lovers
Who have twice seen
Their hearts set ablaze
I will tell you
The story of the king
Who died of not having
Ever met you
Don't leave me (4x)

We've often seen
Fire flowing again
From an ancient volcano
Considered too old
It's said that there are
Fire-scorched lands
That yield more wheat
Than the best April
And when evening comes
With a burning sky
The red and the black--
Are they not joined together?
Don't leave me (4x)

Don't leave me
I won't cry anymore
I won't talk anymore
I will hide over there
To watch you
Dance and smile
And to hear you
Sing and then laugh
Let me become
The shadow of your shadow
The shadow of your hand
The shadow of your dog
Don't leave me (4x)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Family, Friends & Femme Fatale

Recently a friend of mine, a free-lancer and a blogger published a photo of her work space at home. It looks so simple and very conducive to work. Her perfume gallery is neatly displayed on the wall rack above the work space. Only essential things are placed on the table with a few personal touch of photo display to lighten up the place. Compared to my work space in the office, it’s totally the opposite. I’ve got all sorts of stuff hanging around my cubicle. They’re mainly stuffed toys and souvenirs from family and friends. There are also a few cute ones I bought for display purpose. One might wonder whether I'm working for Toys 'R' Us :)


Among the stuff I bought, I love the brown magnetic bear the most. It has 5 magnets embedded in its body and you can stick it whichever way you want. I initially bought one for my friend to stick a thank you note for taking care of my baby cactus whenever I was away for training or holiday. Since it’s so cute, I bought one for myself too. My next favorite thing I bought is the Grey Tatty Bear. I had to go to a number of shops before I could find these adorable bears. Though they’re actually old stuff, I managed to scrub through their stock to get the best looking ones. I bought 3 and gave the other 2 to Baby and Darling. Tatty Bear reminds me of how close the 3 of us used to be and that’s the main reason behind it.

Next in the list is the collection of toy cars from Shell. The 5 red ones displayed in a row are the recent collection. There’re another 2 cars located under the monitor, a red Ferrari and a yellow Porsche which my Dad bought 13 years ago. They have a metal body and look more authentic than the red collection ones which are made of plastics. The ‘N’ crystal hanging around the koala bear are actually hand phone keychain made of Swarovski crystal. I bought ‘N’ for myself, ‘A’ for Mum, ‘Z’ for my aunt, ‘S’ for Baby and another ‘S’ for "Elle Dee". Mum and "Elle Dee" attached to their phones while my aunt hanged to her handbag. I also bought an extra ‘S’ to hang under my car rear view mirror, next to the customized metal pendant with my name. Until today, I still can’t figure out why I hang it next to my name, the significance is still unknown.


The red ribbon was given to me during AIDS memorial event in 2005. It was the first social event I was invited which was truly an eye-opener to me. The blue star was taken from my birthday gift bag earlier this year. The cute Mr. Bean bear and the skeleton figure in the red socks are part of the stuff I bought last year Christmas. The cream-colored bear wearing ‘tutu’ is a gift from Hanie in 2006. The red & yellow deflated rubber with glitters used to be a ‘stress ball’ I bought from Motorola Young Enterprise sale a few months ago. It was filled with flour and somehow got too ‘stressed’ out a few weeks ago. I didn’t squeeze it a lot as I find that it looks better as a décor instead. The glitter pattern is very unique and abstract - caught my eyes the moment I saw it!


The cactus is a gift from my ex-boss from her trip to Cameron Highlands 2 years ago. The red plastic bottle is to squirt water on the cactus every morning. My cactus has a few baby growing all over it’s body and it looks like the shape of a cute teddy bear with its butt stuck into the pot and giving ‘the finger’!! :)

The wooden Totem-Pole figure is a gift from 7 Habits training and it is called a talking stick in one of the activities. The rest of the stuffed toys are gifts from family. The glass frame with Siti Nurhaliza photo beside the cactus used to be Ambi Pur air-freshener. To spice up the place, I hung a few ‘femme fatale’ photos taken from cosmetics, jewelry and lingerie brochure. As a final touch, there’s a photo display of my mum and aunt with the poem I made especially for mother’s day. I place it up above all so that my eyes will look at it every time I lean back on my chair for short breaks.

My work space may be cluttered in certain places but it does create a good ambience. I have all the necessities surrounding me for great inspiration - a personal touch of Family, Friends and Femme Fatale.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Getting Past M11

A few days ago there was a review with Senior Director from US. Although presentation on all program status only involved Program Leads, the rest of the Program Managers were required to participate in the session. When things got a little heavy, my mind started to wander elsewhere for awhile. I was using M-Gate as an analogy to relationship. M-Gate is a Corporate Tool that Program Managers use to manage program deliverables based on committed date. Main purpose is to track key deliverables per program checklists for every phase - M15 (Project Initiation), M11 (Commitment), M7 (Commitment Reaffirmed), M3 (Product Ship Acceptance), M2 (Regional Ship Acceptance) & M0 (End of Life). After the review session, I started to think about the similarity between project phases and relationship.

Based on my understanding, I would say that M15 is the initial phase of a relationship (Casual Dates), M11 is where we commit to build a stronger relationship (Couple), M7 is where we reaffirm our commitment to each other (Engagement), M3 is the big day (Wedding), M2 is possibly starting a family (Kids) and M0 can either be eternal love (Till Death do us part) or separate ways (Divorce). Having defined those phases, I would say that all my relationships never reach M11 as some of the M-Gate checklists (relationship basis) were not met. When this happened, the Program Manager (myself) is likely to be blamed for not managing the program well.

That is true in most cases but sometimes it’s not. An example is the Project Scope (type of relationship) wasn’t clearly defined during Project Initiation stage (casual outings). All my programs (relationships) never reach M11 
(Commitment), there's always a Change in Scope (new expectation or change of heartwhich eventually delays program delivery. One is allowed to change their mind but if it happened too frequently, there's something wrong in the way the Program (relationship) is being managed.

Based on the lessons learnt in my past relationships, the main factor that contribute to the failure to reach M11 and beyond is CommunicationWe're not aligned with each other. Being open is crucial in any relationship and that is something that we failed to comply. I always assumed she wants something without fully understand her needs and misinterpreted her reactions. I realized that not all of them came to me for some sort of comfort. Some basically need attention or affection for that particular moment to get over a certain phase. Once the phase is over, I’m no longer needed and that important message wasn’t clearly relayed to me. Another weakness I noticed is that I tend to go overboard, thinking that I should be giving more of everything and that’s where misunderstanding occurs. I need to further enhance my skills on Assumptions.

The only way to get past M11 is to listen effectively and act accordingly
. Being open about everything would definitely help me to make better assumptions and manage the risks appropriately. If I can’t proceed M11 in my 'current' relationship, I’m not sure if I'm capable of managing a 'new' one.

I’m willing to go to the next phase if we’re ready to open up to each other. All we need is commitment ... I'll be ready if you are. There's no doubt that it is a big risk but with careful planning, we could man
age our program efficiently, perhaps ultimately towards Flawless Launch.

XOXO

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Secret Crush

Her name is Marzie, I knew her while pursuing A-Level program. She was a MUCIA student. We both studied at PPP/ITM Seksyen 17 and stayed in Seksyen 18. The first time I saw her was during hostel orientation week in 1990. Among the crowd, she and her three other beautiful friends caught my attention. She's very fair with long black hair, looks like a bollywood beauty when she smiles. She's so stunning!!. During the last orientation night, everyone had to perform on stage. My team chose to sing and dance to "Pretty Woman" and my eyes just can't stop looking at her while on stage. Few weeks later I found her room, facing mine at the opposite block. Her room is visible from my balcony and kitchen window. She was rarely around. The only time I could catch a glimpse of her was at night.

I don't know why but I wanted to get to know her. However I don't have the courage to approach her, felt nervous whenever she's around. Late one night when everyone was asleep, I decided to leave a note under her door, signed off with the name “Phantom”. I can’t remember what was written but it was a simple note of compliments. Sent a few but none was replied. It was a bad idea, I pushed the wrong button and scared her away instead. She moved to the top floor at different entrance.


My second attempt was during Valentine’s Day in 1991. Instead of customised Valentine Card, I made her a Garfield figure out of foam, decorated with colored-paper and outlined with marker. He was holding a pink heart with a message “Be My Valentine”. That was one of the creative talents I had in those days. She was surprised to see me in front of her room that night with a 3ft Garfield staring at her. When I briefly said that it was meant as a gift, she smiled and complimented me for being creative. Her kind words played in my mind the whole night. That was our first chat, a very brief one. Since then, I felt more confident to approach her. Although we may not exchange a lot of words but her sweet smile was good enough for me.

The 2nd time I went to her room was when promoting my selection of mini roll-on perfumes. Her friends invited me in and ‘interrogated’ me for a while. She must have confided in them about my interest in her. I don’t feel awkward, just interested to get to know them as well. They offered me a drink which I doubt it was "water" but I politely declined. Before I left, she ordered fruity scent perfume, apple flavor. When A-Level exam was finally over in 1992, I wanted to see her for the last time but she already left as her exam break started earlier. So, I made her a mix tape of songs and left in her mailbox. They're mostly RnB songs and Masterpiece by Atlantic Starr is definitely one of them. I'm not sure if the tape finally reached her.

After 15 years, I found her again through Friendster. She's lovely as ever. Only now I know she loves cats and collects miniature perfume. That explains why she loves the Garfield figure I made her and bought the roll-on perfume. Perhaps I managed to charm her in some ways. I'm glad I did those things even though she may not recall them.

Happy Birthday Marzie … among the Beautiful Girls that I’ve known, you are the Masterpiece of all.


M - Masterpiece describes her Beauty … she's so Lovely
A - Affectionate in her own way
R - Romance runs in her Soul … her words are a touch of gold
Z - Zest drives her to quest for only the best
I - Irresistible Adorable Desirable
E - Ecstatic smile ... such an Elegant style

XOXO

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Thinking of You

It was my friend’s birthday a few days ago, Eina, who was my A-Level roommate. She is pretty and very thoughtful when it comes to birthdays. She never misses any of her friend's birthday, including mine. For the past 15 years, I would either receive a card, an email or a simple sms greeting early in the morning. This is the kind of gesture that I treasure the most - life's simple pleasure. There was one occasion she made a card herself. It was during our 2nd year. I was extremely happy as I’ve never received such a thoughtful gift from anyone. It was beautifully decorated with cute sparkling stars and creatively written in golden ink.

Wish I still have it so that I could proudly show her how much it meant to me. I had it until about 5 years ago when I stayed temporarily in another house. The card with other personal stuff I kept safely in a shoe box were gone when I moved back. No one seems to know what happened or who kept them. I felt like part of me was missing. Until today it is still a mystery - unresolved case of X-File! It’s very touching to know someone who cares for me in a way that I've never imagine. I don't recall any misunderstanding between us during the 2 years we were together as roommates. We had so much fun, lots of laughter and no tears. She's the sweetest friend that I've known. We still keep in touch even though she already have a family. I may have lost the card she made but I will never loose her as my friend. That's a promise. 

My dear Eina … 
Though we're miles away or worlds apart 
Our friendship will keep us close in our hearts. 

I will always love you.
*Ex-mate*

Friday, August 17, 2007

No More Drama

Seven years ago when I have less friends in the office life was less complicated. I only have friends outside of work, just a few of us hanging out for some fun once in a while. In those days, I don't worry about who I should be pleasing except myself. I’m not being self-centered but that’s what I felt then. Sad only when I was thinking about my past, stressed only when resolving work issues and extremely happy when good old friends came down for a visit. Other than that, life was good and very much simpler then. I go wherever I wish and do whatever I desire. Nobody cares to question me. As long as I don’t get others pissed off to get my work done, then it’s a good thing.

Nowadays, if anyone in the office saw me doing things out of the ordinary, they would not only speak among themselves but spread the word around. Don’t need a network for that, there’s a human wireless broadband in the office that does a wonderful job. It’s human nature to be curious with everything, especially things not related to them. The peculiar thing is that the same goes even when I did something nice for them. They question your intention, not only words but their reaction said so. Doing something nice doesn’t mean I’m expecting something in return. I feel good when seeing a smile upon their faces. Isn’t that’s what friends do? Perhaps I’m not accustomed to the concept of friendship, the dos and the don’ts. Either I tend to go overboard or being too insensitive to their needs. Makes me wonder if they're faking all the while. If a nice gesture isn’t enough, I’m not sure what is.

When I care too much, I hurt myself. When I care less about them, they feel hurt. What happen if I don’t care at all? Do either of us get hurt? I can’t satisfy everyone, no one can. If doing things for them is not a good thing anymore, perhaps I should start doing my own things for a change. No more being overly sensitive to their needs. It’s time to think about myself, my priorities and prerogatives. Sorry Sisters, this time I’m doing things For Myself!