Ever since I was a kid, I found myself attracted to the girls rather than the guys. It's like whenever I watched tv series or movies, I tend to fall for the female characters instead of the male. I never questioned myself as to why I felt that way. I don’t even know when exactly or how it all started. Probably it has always been that way ever since I was born. I never discussed about them with anyone, not even my mum or dad. As I grow up, I just let it be as it is.
I still remembered my first crush. It was during early primary school days in Standard 3. Her name is Janice and we were classmates. It’s a mystery to why I like her as I've never talked to her even years before that. She was always with her group of friends, never joined them as I was afraid of being out of place. I admired her secretly, took glances at her whenever she was around. I remembered a few times she noticed me looking at her. She probably thought I was stalking her which wasn’t my intention at all. I only wanted her to know that I was around if she needed any help. That never happened as she's very independent. On the other hand, I was the one needed help. Every time she was near, my heart beats fast and I felt nervous. There was one time she sat next to me in the gym class. We were in our shorts and had to squeeze ourselves on the small bench while listening to our PE teacher. Her knee wrested against mine and I had to control my legs from shaking. That was the longest moment we sat together and I never even said a word to her. I froze like an iceberg. That’s the reason I avoided talking to her as not to make a fool of myself. Sometimes while waiting for the extra-curricular activities in the evenings during secondary years, I would sit at her place when no one was around. There were a few times I picked some flowers from the school compound and left them inside her table. When she started asking around about the mystery flowers, I stopped doing that as I didn’t want her to know they were from me. It would totally freaked her out.
One day, I accidentally confessed to our classmate, Anushia about my secret crush. I can’t remember why I did that as she’s the last person I would tell. Probably the feeling was too much to bear that I had to let it out. It has been kept too long, 5 years at that time. That was a bad decision, she was tempted to disclose them to Janice. I begged her not to do so but she kept on teasing me. I never felt so terrified in my life as I did at that moment. I rushed to the restroom and hid there for the next half hour. During that short period, my conscience kept telling me that I should come out and face the consequences. Besides, being called to the headmistress office due to my absence is far worst than facing the outcome of my confession. When I came back to the classroom, Anushia gave me a big smirk. I felt like giving her a big smack on the face right that moment! For the rest of the period, I dare not even look at Janice as I thought she would probably have known about it. As soon as the class was over, I confronted Anushia. Just when I was about to tell her off, she admitted that Janice knew nothing about my feelings, she was only teasing me. I didn’t expect that kind of respond from someone who’s known for her obnoxious behavior. Though I don’t believe a single word she said, I was glad that I didn’t get myself in trouble. Even if I did, it would definitely worth the fight. That nasty incident taught me to be extra careful with whom I chose to disclose my feelings.
Since that day onwards, I stood low and refrained myself from showing such attention to her anymore. I could only watched her from far and remained as her secret admirer. That only lasted for slightly more than a year as I was offered to continue Form Four in a boarding school. I had no choice but to convince myself that whatever I felt for her was just a crush and I should let that ‘secret love’ of mine fade in time. Never thought it would end that way but it would be for the best. Somehow the feeling still lingers on and interfered with my studies. That was the first time ever I felt the sensation of going through a failed relationship!
I decided to write her a letter of confession as an attempt to move on. The moment I mailed the letter, feelings of uncertainty kept me worried for days. I was afraid that she would think of me differently. To my surprise, she replied the letter. Her kind words moved me and didn’t even made me feel mortified for being who I am. We exchanged a few letters and stopped after awhile due to our busy schedule. After the SPM, we lost contact when her family migrated to Australia and only met once in 1999 when she came to Penang for our class reunion. She looked very much the same, sweet as before and we got along just fine. If only I had known her personally since school days, it would definitely turned out better.
No words can express how relieved I felt after the confession. Not sure how life would have been if I chose to disregard such wonderful feelings … my first crush ever and it's special in its own way.
It all began in 1993 during Valentine's Day Carnival in our hostel in NCUK. That was when we had our first conversation. I was having a chat with my friends and noticed you were sitting alone. Out of courtesy, I invited you to join us. You didn't talk much and you've got that ‘mysterious’ look on your face which made me wanted to know you. That night, I was surprised to see you again when I delivered my custom-made valentine cards to Azreen and Azura who happened to be your room-mates. It was just for fun to celebrate friendship. Thought of giving you one but it was too sudden as we just got acquainted hours ago. When I went back to my room, I couldn’t sleep. Not sure why I started to think of you and it kept me awake all night.
Since that day, we occasionally bumped into each other around the campus and hostel. Sometimes I went to the TV room hoping to find you. Usually you would be there for late night comedy series when not many people around. Being there was easy, the challenge was to get your attention. I remembered once you sat next to me, wearing a broad neck top. When one of the sleeves dropped to the side, I could see your smooth silky shoulder. I purposely complimented how sexy you looked that night to get your reaction. I was stunned to hear your comeback with a cheeky remarks. It seems like you were trying to get my attention as well. Seeing how much you love getting all the attention makes me wanted to know you even more. When the exam was finally over, we discussed about our stay in UK. I was glad to know that both of us would be studying in the same university. However, you’re worried because none of your close friends would be going there. Since you haven’t secured any accommodation yet, I suggested to stay with me and few of my classmates. There were also two other law students who would be staying together which really makes sense for you to join us.
Since our stay in Liverpool, we were closer than before as you hardly knew any of our housemates. I promised to always be there whenever you needed help with anything or someone to just being there for you. Our rooms were the only ones downstairs. Your room is about twice the size of mine and looks very cozy and warm. On the other hand, mine doesn't even have a window. It's also a bit cold as there's a door behind the closet. Although all the edges were glued and can't be opened, it felt a bit drafty at times. Looks a bit gloomy although there's light from the outside coming through the glass above the door. It was actually a side doorway converted into an extra room. I don't mind taking the smaller one as I don't need that much space with whatever stuff I had with me. Besides, I would rather have you feel more comfortable since I was the one who invited you to stay there in the first place.
Nobody knew that I dropped by your room almost every night. I love to hear things about yourself, your past relationships and your daily progress. You always have something excited to share. When you’re talking, I can’t stop looking at you - your eyes, your lips and your face. They're so full of expression. I felt like a kid listening to the bedtime stories. Hearing your lovely voice and seeing your cheerful attitude always made my day. Even when you ran out of words, I was still waiting for more. I just can't get enough of you. Our conversation were never bored. We always had a good laugh and enjoyed each others company. Sometimes when there's nothing much to say, you love to ask me all sorts of tricky questions, it’s actually more like an “interrogation” I would say. Some sounds silly, some were very serious and there were also catchy ones that left me confused at times. You like to play tricks on my mind and love to see me struggling with the answers. You had to be right all the time and I had to gave in. I don't mind playing games with you as long as I could see you smile. Whenever we were watching movies, you would lean on me like a soft cuddly toy. I could feel your warm body against mine. My heart beats fast and I could hardly say a word. I felt like there's a strange kind of feelings that pulled me closer to you. Sometimes you held on to me to keep yourself warm. I reciprocated with a hug. I froze whenever that happened but at the same time felt comfortable having you so close to me. You needed me and I was glad to be there By Your Side.
Things changed after a few months. I felt a bit jealous when you started to give more attention to some other housemates. I knew that I shouldn't be feeling that way because we're all just friends staying together. There's nothing wrong with that but sometimes I just couldn't help it. Perhaps I'm a sensitive kind of person, that's all. Once, I was really upset and stayed in my room instead of joining everyone in the hall. I remembered exactly how you got yourself forgiven for making me felt that way. Late at night when everyone else were asleep, you called me into your room. You said that you needed help to change your stereo sound settings. You knew I would gladly help since you were never good at it. I even fixed your alarm and playlist selection. Once done, I wanted to leave right away but you stopped me instead. Your soft hands gently pulled me away from the door and locked behind you. As you pulled me towards the bed, you said that you can’t sleep and needed my company that night. You came on to me like a helpless child in need of tender and loving care. You knew that I love doing things for you and that night, I fell for it. I can’t resist your sweet voice talking me into doing all sorts of things, felt as if I was under a spell. I did whatever you asked me to do. You even sweet talked me into giving you shoulder and back massage which I gladly did till my hands got tired. We ended up talking until early morning before both of us finally fell asleep.
One unexpected day, someone entered your life. Ever since then I felt like I was just a Game to you. When you had no one, I helped you around with almost everything. I was the one who accompanied you to go shopping, movies, laundry etc. I even made sacrifices so that you'll be warm and well taken care of especially when you were not feeling well or got homesick. I always prioritize you over anything else, even myself. None of that matters to you anymore. I was really upset, you’re not the same person I knew. We only talked whenever you needed help with the chores. No matter what, I still helped around just to see you happy although deep inside I felt so hurt. Other than that, we hardly spent time together. Whenever I went to your room, you were either busy with coursework or sleeping. Sometimes I tried to drop by at night but you locked the door to prevent me from seeing you. I was no longer welcomed to drop by anymore. It's ok, I understand why you did that. You were already with someone else and I shouldn't be thinking too much about you.
One night I noticed your door was not locked, it was left slightly ajar with the night lamp turned on. I wondered if it was done on purpose to tempt me into going inside. Were you expecting me that night? Why the sudden invitation? Out of curiosity, I went in to check if you were okay. Unfortunately, you were already asleep. Seeing how peaceful you looked made me realized how much I missed you. That night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to hold you for awhile. So I laid beside and held you in my arms.We were so close together that I could feel your heartbeat against mine. I was in a state of euphoria, the pleasant smell of your body moved me. Normally you would apply peach lotion on your hands and body but that night I could smell Ananya perfume around your neck. The scent was so exhilarating that it made me held on to your body like a glue. I kept my hands tight around you all night and never want to let you go. Suddenly you came on to me with an unspoken body language. At some stage, I could hardly understand. All I could do was to follow all my senses until it makes no sense at all with what I was doing.
I kept playing in my mind what happened that night for days. I broke into tears when I couldn't take it anymore. The feeling was so intense that it drives me crazy. I was in misery thinking of what I've done. I’ve betrayed your trust and no words could describe how terrible I felt. That was the First Time, never once I would thought of doing those things to you. It’s true what people said, "Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough". When you truly love someone, it takes more than just words to show how much you care about them. I remembered you asked me several times why I kept saying you're special and I can't really explain. You made yourself special because that’s how I felt whenever I’m with you. It’s the closeness we had, no one ever been that close to me. I never told you this but you're the first person I Secretly fell in love with. Otherwise, I wouldn't have showered you with so much attention and spent endless time doing all those things for you. I Would Do Anything for Love ... absolutely anything for you My Love. I gave you so much but lack of one important thing, which is trust and I failed miserably. I always Said I Love You ...but it seemed that I love you too much, more than anything else including myself and ended up breaking your trust instead.
Now I understand why my first song dedication to you was Bryan Adam - Please Forgive Me. Every word, every phrase, every line and every single emotion expressed in that song was exactly the way it was between us that night. I couldn't listen to it anymore as it brought back memories of what I did to you. Even though we briefly talked about it once, I can’t really tell if you were sincere enough to forgive me. I don't blame you, I really deserved that. Since then, my mind was in a total mess and I was never at peace. Every time I think, it would lead me back to that night. It was like a never-ending nightmare that kept haunting me. I suffered many unpleasant days and nights of living hell, my life was falling apart. I wanted you to help me put those miserable feelings away and straighten me up but you don't seem to care at all. I can’t talk to anyone else about what happened between us. Sometimes I wandered aimlessly wherever I felt like going. I went for long walks in Wavertree Park, Albert Docks and sometimes outside of the City Centre. I even took endless bus rides going just about anywhere to clear my head but none of them help to get rid of the misery. I felt like a lost child in a street of nowhere longing for someone to reach my hand and take me back home. The emotional pain I felt left a great impact on my study. I couldn't concentrate and don't even remember what I was doing all those times in the class.
Even after we lived separately in the final year, it took me a while to regain my self-confidence. I tried by all means to avoid you as much as possible but there were times we accidentally bumped into each other around the campus and city centre. I kept telling myself to forget about you and move on. However, from time to time, shadows of you still followed me around. The weird thing is that I wasn't even thinking about you at all, I felt your presence instead. I could only get you out of my mind but not in my heart. Deep down inside, I still care about you and at the same time it hurts because you don't feel the same way about me. It stressed me out whenever the thought of you accidentally crossed my mind. You're a Hard Habit To Break. I don't know how much longer I could take. Feared that I might suffer from some sort of a break down, I constantly told myself to forget we ever met.I had to endlessly Explain To My Heartthat it's betterto forget everything I ever felt about you.You know that I would do just about Anything for you but this is something that I had to do for myself. I had to do what any other "Gentlemen" should have done in the first place. There's no point holding back something that was never meant to be. I found you and we helped each other in some ways but it was definitely time to let you go and be happy with whoever you chose to be with. This has come to the End of The Road for us. What shall remain are those things that I've wronged you. I've betrayed your trust and I'm the one to blame. Just so you know, you're my Once in A Lifetime and for the last time my dear ... Please Forgive Me.
