Thursday, March 1, 2007

Please Forgive Me Ita ...

It all began in 1993 during Valentine's Day Carnival in our hostel. I was having a chat with my friends and noticed you were sitting alone. Out of courtesy, I invited you to join and we had a brief chat. That night, I was surprised to see you again when I delivered custom-made valentine cards to my friends. Thought of giving you one but it was too sudden as we only got to know a few hours before. Since that fateful day, we occasionally bumped into each other around the campus. When the exam was finally over, we discussed about our stay in UK. I was glad to know that we both would be studying in the same university. Since you haven’t got a place to stay, I suggested to live with me and my friends.

When we left for UK, we were closer than before as you hardly know any of our housemates. Our rooms were the only ones downstairs. No one knew that I frequently dropped by to see you almost every night. I love to hear things about your self, your past relationships and your daily progress. You were full of expression. When you ran out of words, I was still waiting to hear words coming out of your lips. At times, a strange kind of feelings pulls me closer to you. While watching movies, you would lean on me like a soft cuddly toy. I felt your warm body against mine. My heart beat faster and I could hardly say a word. I froze but at the same time felt very comfortable having you close to me.

Things changed after a few months. I was jealous when you started giving attention to other housemates. I know that I shouldn't be feeling that way but I just can’t help it as I’m sensitive. Once, I was really upset and I remembered exactly how you got yourself forgiven. When everyone else was asleep, you called me into your room to change your stereo setting. You knew I would gladly do it since you were never good at it. Once done, I wanted to leave but you stopped me instead. Your soft hands gently pulled me away from the door. You said that you needed my company that night as you can’t sleep. You came on to me like a helpless child in need of TLC. You even sweet talked me into giving you a shoulder massage which I gladly did till my hands got tired. You knew I would do anything for you and that night, I fall for that. We ended up talking until the early morning before we finally fall asleep.

One unexpected day, someone entered your life. Not long before he came, I was the one who accompanied you with almost everything. I took care of you when you were home sick. I even made sacrifices so that you'll be warm and well taken care of. None of that matters and I hardly understand you anymore. That really pissed me off. Still, I would do things just to see you smile even though deep down inside, I was badly hurt. That was the only kind of interaction that we had between us after he came along. Soon after that, we hardly spent time at all. One day I just couldn’t help it. I lay myself beside you while you were asleep. I missed you so much that all I wanted to do was hold you in my arms and looked at you. I was so close to you that I could feel your heartbeat against mine. The smell of your Ananya perfume and body lotion moved me. It was so pleasing that it made me stick to your body like a glue. I kept my hands tight around you all night and never want to let you go. Suddenly you came on to me with an unspoken body language. At some stage, I could hardly understand. All I could do was to follow its senses until I could find no sense at all in my doing. That was how the `un-forgiven act' happened.

I kept on playing the incident in my mind for days. I broke into tears when I couldn't take it any longer. The feeling was so intense that it drives me crazy. I betrayed your trust and no words could describe how sorry I was. Now I understand why my first song dedication to you was Bryan Adam - Please Forgive Me. Every word, every phrase, every line and every single emotion expressed in that song is exactly the way it was between us. Even though we talked about it once, I can’t really tell if you were sincere enough to forgive me. I don't blame you and I deserve for what I did. It was a never-ending nightmare that kept haunting me. I suffered many unpleasant days and nights of living hell. I had no one to turn to as you were the only one close to me. I lost my confidence and it left a great impact on my studies.

Even after we lived separately in the final year, it took me a while to regain my self confidence. I tried by all means to avoid you as much as possible but there were times we accidentally bumped into each other. After much thought, I had to let it go. There was no point holding back something that was never meant to be mine in the first place. Yes, I found you and we helped each other grew but it was definitely time to let you go. Deep down inside, I still care about you and it hurts because you never feel the same way about me.

… I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all the moves
I remember you
I remember the nights … you know I still do

… Please forgive me, I know not what I do*

Happy Birthday Ita.

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