Saturday, January 12, 2008

New Year - New Beginning or Ending?

It has been a bad start since the beginning of the year. I was down with a high fever on the new year’s eve and lasted for more than a week. There wasn’t much of a birthday celebration either as I wasn’t in the mood. My body was weak and I lost focus. My mind was elsewhere most of the time and I have no idea what was bothering me. Apart from the constant distraction, I got cranky easily. Even a slight noise around my cubicle drove me up the wall. Probably it was due to the strong medication. I should have known better than to display such erratic behavior. I really hate myself!!

In times like this, I would rather be left alone than having people dislike me for not being myself. However, this time around, I really love to have someone to calm me down. I badly need some company to ease the pain but the person who should be concern about me doesn’t seem to care at all. For some reason, she’s ignoring me since the first week. I don’t know what I did wrong but I sensed that she doesn’t want me to be part of her life anymore. The problem is she's the only one left who knows me very well.

What I don't understand is that she was so good to me for the last few months before the year ends. She was practically around me everyday whenever she needs me. As always, I would just put aside whatever I was doing and listened to her attentively. She likes being pampered and I would do exactly what she’d like. Her sweets words were so seductive that I felt like I was under a spell. I fall for her ‘innocence’ and that's what upset me the most. I thought things were going so well between us but I was so wrong. My instinct stinks big time!! Now I don’t even know who to trust and what to believe.

These days, words are so hard to come by. I felt like as if I’ve lost the charm. I can’t find the right words to express myself. Everything seems to be redundant and I no longer have the passion to know about anything. Nothing seems to interest me anymore. I’m living my life as it is and I just couldn’t care less about anyone at all.

I wish for the magic to return …
I wish for the strength to cast off the spell …
I wish to be myself again …
I wish to find what I should be looking for

XOXO

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you

I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you.

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her finger tips
It burned like fire
(I was) burning inside her.

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone.

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colours will bleed into one
Bleed into one.
But yes, I'm still running.

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
Oh my shame, you know I believe it.

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.

1 comment:

Nelia said...

People should read this.