Saturday, January 12, 2008

New Year - New Beginning or Ending?

It has been a bad start since the beginning of the year. I was down with high fever on new year’s eve and lasted for more than a week. There wasn’t much of a birthday celebration either as I wasn’t in the mood. My body was weak and I lost focus. My mind was elsewhere most of the time and I have no idea what was bothering me. Apart from the constant distraction, I got cranky easily. Even a slight noise around my cubicle drove me up the wall. Probably it was due to the strong medication. I should have known better than to display such erratic behavior. I really hate myself!!

In times like this, I would rather be left alone than having people to dislike me for not being myself. However, this time around, I badly need some company but the person who should be concern about me doesn’t seem to care at all. For unknown reason, Baby has been ignoring me. She gave all sorts of excuses to avoid talking whenever I saw her, as if she doesn’t want me hanging around anymore. I wonder if it's because of the media slides I made for Shila's farewell that made her jealous. There's nothing to be jealous about as they're just memorabilia of photos collection with her colleagues which I volunteered to help since other committee members were tight up with other arrangements. Whatever the reason was, I wish she opens up to me like she always do, no matter how complicated it is. 

We were okay before last November. She was hanging around with me almost everyday, came to my cubicle whenever she needs me. As always, I would put aside whatever I was doing and focused on her. She likes being pampered and I would do whatever she wants just to see her happy. Her words were so seductive, felt like I was under a spell. I fall for her ‘innocence’ and that's what upset me the most. I thought we're good friends. My instinct is bad, don’t even know who to trust and what to believe anymore. 

These days, words are so hard to come by. I felt as if I’ve lost my charm, can't even find the right words to express what I feel inside. Everything seems redundant, nothing interest me anymore. I’m living my life as it is, just couldn’t care less about anything or anyone at all, don't even know where I'm heading ... 

I wish for the magic to return … 
I wish to be myself again … 
I wish to find what I'm looking for.

XOXO

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
I have climbed the highest mountains 
I have run through the fields 
Only to be with you

I have run, I have crawled 
I have scaled these city walls 
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found 
What I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips 
Felt the healing in her finger tips 
It burned like fire 
(I was) burning inside her

I have spoke with the tongue of angels 
I have held the hand of a devil 
It was warm in the night 
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found 
What I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come 
Then all the colours will bleed into one 
Bleed into one
But yes, I'm still running

You broke the bonds 
And you loosed the chains 
Carried the cross of my shame 
Oh my shame, you know I believe it

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

People should read this.