Saturday, June 13, 2015

I'm Truly Sorry ...

Dear Nurul …

You have always been a good friend since the day we met. You’re the reason I ended up with so many lunch mates. We shared lots of fun and crazy moments together. Before that, I was always by myself and hardly socialize. You love to talk about anything, from trends to travel and technology. Everyone is simply drawn towards your cheeky and chatty attitude. You have an aura that makes people love hanging around and never feel bored. You have a certain “Je Ne Sais Quoi” that amazes everyone. One would wonder how you live such an active lifestyle. No matter how busy, you will always have time to enjoy life. You live for the moment and never let anything or anyone get in the way. After all those years of knowing you, I never thought someday I will never be able to see you again. I really hate myself considered a stranger to you these days.

I admit it was wrong of me to disclose about your resignation to our close mates. It was only by chance I heard from the corporate admin. Don’t even know why she asked, probably assumed I knew about it since we're close friends. It caught me by surprise, I couldn’t concentrate on work after that. It kept me thinking why such big decision after all these years. I buzzed thru messenger and even called you but there’s no response. I wanted to see you but you're located in a different building which I don't have access. I was restless and don’t know what else to do. I decided to confide in someone close to you as I thought she would have known about it but turned out that she had no idea at all. It was only then I realized you don’t want anyone to know, not even close ones and myself included. I should’ve kept to myself instead. It wasn’t my intention to pry, I was concern about you like I always do. You must have a personal reason for not wanting others to know. I felt so guilty for what I did. 

The week after, you finally broke silence with email about going for umrah. We didn’t have a chance to meet as you’ll be leaving in the next few days. I wanted to call but decided to reply your email instead to avoid unnecessary discomfort. The fact that you replied back shows that we’re good. That was in mid Dec 2013 which was your last day in the office. Sometime in Jan the following year, I was at the condo to settle something at the management office. I planned to drop by your place for a chat since we didn’t meet up before you left. You were not home, I called but it got cut-off halfway through. The next day, you messaged thru FB as there’s some issue with your handphone. You were busy with many things to settle before moving to KL. You said will meet up but never did call back. Probably you were too stressed out with everyone asking for a meet up.

Months later, in April 2014 we accidentally bumped into each other at the condo. I was on my way down from the management office. When the lift opened, there you were. We were both surprised, I greeted but you seemed distracted. You were on your way out but couldn't find the car keys. You looked so confused and lost. You kept searching inside your handbag and all your jeans pockets multiple times but still couldn't find. You wanted to go back up again in case it was left inside your condo. I suggested to have lunch with me first and later will help you find the keys. You agreed although still thinking where you could have misplaced them.

I took you to nearby Old Town for lunch. We initially talked about things that happened after you left. Then you started to talk about what made you resigned and explained why you rather not have anyone knowing about it. You even asked me not to tell others about our meet up that day. We spent almost 2 hours which already passed my lunch break. I couldn't care less as I really wanted to see you. We went back to condo after lunch. While chatting in the car, suddenly you found the keys inside one of the jeans pocket. It was weird because you already searched them before and it wasn't there. Maybe it went "missing" for a particular reason, perhaps it was a chance for us to meet again. Was it a coincidence or by accident? Whatever the reason was, I’m glad it happened.

We went back to the management office as you wanted to settle something. Once done, you decided not to go out and wanted to stay home instead. Wish I could spend more time with you as it has been awhile but I had to go back to the office. Before we part, we had our final chat. This time both of us were emotional. You were disappointed with me for confiding in our close friends about you leaving. You said no matter what the reason was, I had no right to do what I did. I tried to let you know that it was all because I truly care about you. Thought it was the right thing to do but turned out it wasn’t. I endlessly said sorry and begged your forgiveness. I’ve never felt that emotional before, never cried that hard for anyone. I lost words of what I wanted to say, no amount is enough to express my regrets. The look on your face those last moments told me that was it ... I’ll never be able to see you again. I was deeply hurt and can't stop saying sorry after our last goodbye. I tried to apologize few times through watsapp and FB message but there was no response. Both access have been blocked since then. Until today I can't tell if you have forgiven me for what happened.

I remembered once you said that we have a long history together. I couldn't agree more. We shared so much laughter and fond memories throughout all those years since 2002. We had our ups and downs but you were a really good friend to me all the while. You showed me there’s more to life than just work, got to have fun and enjoy while you can. At times when you were feeling down, you even confided in me. I was there whenever you needed a friend, always glad to help in any way I can. That shows how much you trusted me. I don't remember any misunderstanding between us, we never drift apart. If I show how much I care is because you're one of my close friends, that's all. This is the only time I made a mistake and it was by accident, never meant any of that to happen. I sincerely beg for your forgiveness. I do not wish for us to remain strangers with just memories. I truly pray someday we will see each other again, whether by coincidence or otherwise. In the meantime, take care my dear friend. I'll See You when the road decides it's time for our paths to cross again. 


Please forgive me Nurul.