Sunday, October 23, 2016

You Had Me Bleed ...

Dear Eila ...

The last time we went out was June last year before puasa. We had dinner, walked around AutoCity outlets and talked for hours before headed home. It’s been awhile since we had that much fun. We rarely go out after that, only watsapp occasionally. The last watsapp in end Feb 2016 left me worried, you read my message but did not reply. It was weird because earlier that month we exchanged a few messages on your birthday, you were excited about planning a nite out to celebrate. Initially I thought you might have forgotten all about it with your busy schedule. So I tried the following month and the same thing happened, you read but did not respond. 

I tried again the next month and still silence. My last watsapp was in May 2016 before you blocked my access. I was surprised because I was only asking about your well-being. I couldn’t recall of doing something bad or saying anything that might upset you. I’m sorry if you feel pressured to meet me after more than a year. I doubt that was the reason. I'm okay if you can't as I understand your situation, always do. I had no choice but to call you, just to know what was going on and if there's anything I could do to help. The same thing happened, you didn’t answer until the ringing stopped. Perhaps the call came at the wrong time when you were busy with the kids. I couldn’t figure out the right time and definitely do not want to interfere your time with family. The following month I called just before left for work thinking that by then you would have dropped the kids at school and having some time on your own. I was wrong again, your phone kept ringing and I waited until it finally stopped.

I definitely understand if you’re busy. All I need is a simple message saying you’re alright and there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not a difficult thing to do but yet you rather stay silence and that’s killing me. My last chance was getting through FB. I sent message trying to apologize for anything that I could have done unintentionally to hurt you. That too was useless like my previous attempts through watsapp and phone calls. Not only the message was ignored, you even blocked me in FB. Looks like all of my social access to you have been denied. I seriously don’t understand what was going on. My only worry is your health condition as that was the only thing that kept me thinking during those times. It’s okay if you rather keep it to yourself but it's making me worried all the time.

I decided to just let it be for the next few months hoping that you would finally open up after months of silence. Then it was almost end of the year and you seemed not to care at all to get back to me. I was hoping someday I would receive a missed call from you but that never happen. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I made a surprise visit last Friday which happened to be the last week of my unpaid leave. Instead, I was the one who got a shocking surprise. When I reached your house, the gate was already wide opened and your car was parked inside. I tried to call but you didn’t answer. So I walked inside and knocked the front door, still no answer. Took a quick look around but no one seemed to be at home. Since it was raining, I decided to wait under the porch. Occasionally I knocked the door hoping someone would hear me. While waiting outside, my heart was not at peace. What if you're not at home? What if something happened and you're all alone? What if there's someone in the house and tried to harm you? What if you don't like me being there at all? My mind was all over the place.

After an hour, the door was finally opened. At that instant, my heart was racing as I was afraid that it might be someone else behind the door. Then there you were, looking away from me and giving that look as if there was a stranger in front of you. It took me by surprise to seeing you that way. You asked in a rude manner “What are you doing here?” I kept looking at you hoping that you would look my way but you didn't. So I said “Are you ok? You’ve been quiet for so long, did anything happened?” You kept quiet, took your stuff and walked towards the car without looking at me as if I wasn't even there. While I was standing in front of your car looking like a fool, you said “Go away, I don’t want to see you”. I was clueless and kept asking what I did so wrong that you’re giving me the attitude. You angrily said “Have you no shame?? People are watching!!” Owh, please, I'm not a fool. No one was looking. I’ve been sitting there for the past hour and no one seemed to be bothered by my presence. If you wanted me to leave, you could have said it politely and I would just leave you alone. Instead, you threatened to crash into my car if I don't go. I was totally speechless upon hearing those last words.

I dashed to my car and never looked back. I was totally pissed off with the way you treated me. I was deeply hurt to hear those words, especially the way they were said. You didn’t look at me, not even a glance as if I'm so disgusted and my presence was nothing more than a shame to you. Do you really hate me that much? What exactly did I do to deserve these? I know that I'm not like any of your friends but that doesn’t give you the right to degrade me in such manner. You were never this mean to me before, what happened to you? 

As I was driving home, I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve never been that humiliated before. Even when you left me twice without a word years ago, I never felt so hurt. The other reason I really wanted to see you is because I was going through a stressful time at work. The toxic people that I'm working with is killing me. That was the only time I needed you the most but you can't even look at me for some unknown reasons. Why can't you open up to me like you used to? What exactly did I do wrong that made you hate me so much? We've been through a lot together and had a few misunderstandings before but this by far is the most complicated situation I could never figure out. This time you really hurt me so bad ... you had me bleed.