Sunday, October 23, 2016

You Had Me Bleed ...

Dear Elle La' ...
The last time we went out was 2 years ago before puasa. We had dinner, walked around AutoCity outlets and talked for hours before headed home. It’s been awhile since we last had that much fun. We rarely go out after that, just occasionally watsapp. The last watsapp in end Feb 2016 left me worried, you read but there was no reply. I was puzzled because earlier that month we exchanged a few messages on your birthday and you were excited about planning a nite out to celebrate. Initially I thought perhaps you might have forgotten all about it. Then I tried the following month and still the same thing happened, you read but no reply. I tried again the next month and still no reply. My last watsapp was in May 2016 before you blocked my access. I was surprised when that happened because all I did was asking about you. I couldn’t recall of doing something bad or saying anything that might upset you. I’m sorry if you feel pressured to meet me after not seeing for almost 2 years. But I doubt that was the reason because I'm okay if you can't make it cause I totally understand your situation, I always do. I had no choice but to call you, just want to know what was going on and if there's anything I could do to help. Same thing again, you didn’t answer until the ringing stopped. Perhaps the call came at the wrong time when you were busy with the kids at home. I couldn’t figure out the right time and definitely don’t want to interfere your time spend with family. The following month I called just before heading to the office thinking that by then you would have dropped the kids at school and having some time on your own. I was wrong again, your phone kept ringing and I waited until it finally stopped.

I understand if you’re totally busy. All I was hoping was to get a simple message saying that you’re doing fine and there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not a difficult thing to do but yet you rather stay silence and that’s killing me. My last chance was getting through fb. I wrote a lengthy private message trying to understand you and apologize for anything that I could have done unintentionally to hurt you. That too was useless just like my previous attempts through watsapp and phone calls. Not only the message was ignored but you even blocked me in FB. Looks like all of my social access have been denied. I seriously don’t understand what was going on in your life, my only worry is your health condition as that’s the only thing that kept me thinking during those times. It’s ok if you rather keep it to yourself but a simple “Dun worry, I’m ok” would keep me sane and not worrying excessively.

I decided to let it be for the next few months hoping that you would finally open up after months of silence. It was almost end of the year and you seem not to care at all. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I decided to make a surprise visit during the last week of my unpaid leave. Instead, I was the one who got a shocking surprise. When I reached your house, the gate was already wide open and your car was parked inside. Tried to call but you didn’t answer. So I walked inside and knocked on the front door. Still no answer. Took a quick look around and no one seems to be at home. Since it was raining, I decided to wait under the porch. Occasionally I knocked the door hoping someone will hear. While waiting outside, my heart was racing and my mind was all over the place. What if you're not at home? What if something happened and you're not well? What if you don't like the idea of me being there?

After an hour, the door was finally opened. At that instant my heart beats fast as it might not be you behind the door. Then there you were, looking away from me and giving that look as if there’s a total stranger in front of you. It took me by surprise to seeing you that way. You asked in a rude manner “What are you doing here?” I kept looking at you hoping that you would look my way but you didn't. So I said “Are you ok? You’ve been quiet for so long, did anything happened to you? You kept quiet, took your stuff and walked towards the car without looking at me as if I wasn't there. While I was standing in front of your car looking like a fool, you said the most hurtful words to me “Go away, I don’t want to see you”. I was clueless and kept asking what I did so wrong that you’re giving me the attitude. You angrily said “Have you no shame?? People are watching!!” (Please don’t insult my intelligence. None of the neighbours were looking outside, I’ve been sitting there for the past hour and no one seems to be bothered by my presence. If you want me to leave, you could have said it in a polite way and I would quietly leave you alone)

Upon hearing those last words, I dashed to my car and never looked back. I was totally pissed off with the way you treated me and was deeply hurt with the words you said, especially the way they were said. You didn’t look at me, not even a quick glance as if I’m so disgusted and my presence is nothing more than a shame to you. Do you really hate me that much? What exactly I did to deserve all these? I know that I don't look like any of your friends but that doesn’t give you the right to degrade me in such manner. As I was driving home, I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve never been that humiliated before. Even when you left me twice without a word years ago, I never felt so hurt. We've been through a lot together and had a few misunderstandings before but this by far is the most complicated situation ever that I could never figure out. This time, you hurt me real bad ... you had me bleed. Not sure if this heart of mine will ever mend …

No comments: