I still remembered my first crush. It was during early primary school days in Standard 3. Her name is Janice and we were classmates. It’s a mystery to why I like her as I've never talked to her even years before that. She was always with her group of friends, never joined them as I was afraid of being out of place. I admired her secretly, took glances at her whenever she was around. I remembered a few times she noticed me looking at her. She probably thought I was stalking her which wasn’t my intention at all. I only wanted her to know that I was around if she needed any help. That never happened as she's very independent. On the other hand, I was the one needed help. Every time she was near, my heart beats fast and I felt nervous. There was one time she sat next to me in the gym class. We were in our shorts and had to squeeze ourselves on the small bench while listening to our PE teacher. Her knee wrested against mine and I had to control my legs from shaking. That was the longest moment we sat together and I never even said a word to her. I froze like an iceberg. That’s the reason I avoided talking to her as not to make a fool of myself. Sometimes while waiting for the extra-curricular activities in the evenings during secondary years, I would sit at her place when no one was around. There were a few times I picked some flowers from the school compound and left them inside her table. When she started asking around about the mystery flowers, I stopped doing that as I didn’t want her to know they were from me. It would totally freaked her out.
One day, I accidentally confessed to our classmate, Anushia about my secret crush. I can’t remember why I did that as she’s the last person I would tell. Probably the feeling was too much to bear that I had to let it out. It has been kept too long, 5 years at that time. That was a bad decision, she was tempted to disclose them to Janice. I begged her not to do so but she kept on teasing me. I never felt so terrified in my life as I did at that moment. I rushed to the restroom and hid there for the next half hour. During that short period, my conscience kept telling me that I should come out and face the consequences. Besides, being called to the headmistress office due to my absence is far worst than facing the outcome of my confession. When I came back to the classroom, Anushia gave me a big smirk. I felt like giving her a big smack on the face right that moment! For the rest of the period, I dare not even look at Janice as I thought she would probably have known about it. As soon as the class was over, I confronted Anushia. Just when I was about to tell her off, she admitted that Janice knew nothing about my feelings, she was only teasing me. I didn’t expect that kind of respond from someone who’s known for her obnoxious behavior. Though I don’t believe a single word she said, I was glad that I didn’t get myself in trouble. Even if I did, it would definitely worth the fight. That nasty incident taught me to be extra careful with whom I chose to disclose my feelings.
Since that day onwards, I stood low and refrained myself from showing such attention to her anymore. I could only watched her from far and remained as her secret admirer. That only lasted for slightly more than a year as I was offered to continue Form Four in a boarding school. I had no choice but to convince myself that whatever I felt for her was just a crush and I should let that ‘secret love’ of mine fade in time. Never thought it would end that way but it would be for the best. Somehow the feeling still lingers on and interfered with my studies. That was the first time ever I felt the sensation of going through a failed relationship!
I decided to write her a letter of confession as an attempt to move on. The moment I mailed the letter, feelings of uncertainty kept me worried for days. I was afraid that she would think of me differently. To my surprise, she replied the letter. Her kind words moved me and didn’t even made me feel mortified for being who I am. We exchanged a few letters and stopped after awhile due to our busy schedule. After the SPM, we lost contact when her family migrated to Australia and only met once in 1999 when she came to Penang for our class reunion. She looked very much the same, sweet as before and we got along just fine. If only I had known her personally since school days, it would definitely turned out better.
No words can express how relieved I felt after the confession. Not sure how life would have been if I chose to disregard such wonderful feelings … my first crush ever and it's special in its own way.
Happy birthday Jan ...
XOXO
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