Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My 1st Crush ...

Ever since I was a kid, I found myself attracted to the girls rather than the boys. I never question myself as to why I behave such way. Don’t even know exactly when and how the feeling started. Probably I was born with it. Never even discuss them and let it be as it is.

I still remember my first crush. It was during my early primary school days in Std 3. Her name is Janice and we were classmates. It’s a mystery why I like her as I've never talked to her even the years before that. She was always with a group of rich girls. I never join them as I was afraid of being out of place. I started to admire her secretly. I took glances at her whenever she was around. I remembered a few times she noticed me looking at her. She probably thought that I was stalking her which wasn’t my intention at all. I only wanted her to know that I was around if she needed any help. That never happened as she's very independent. On the other hand, I was the one needed help. Every time she was near me, my heart beat faster and I felt nervous. There was one time she sat next to me in the gym class. We were in our shorts and had to squeeze ourselves on the bench while listening to the teacher. Her knee wrested against mine and I had to control my legs as not to shiver. That was the longest moment we shared and I never even say a word to her. I was frozen like an iceberg. That’s the reason I avoided conversation with her as not to make a fool of myself. Sometimes while waiting for the extra-curricular activities in the evenings during secondary year, I would sit at her place when no one was around. There were a few occasions where I picked some flowers from the school compound and left them inside her table. When she started asking around about the mystery flowers, I stopped as I didn’t want her to know they were from me.

One day, I accidentally confessed to a friend of mine, Anushia about my secret crush on Janice. Can’t remember why I did that as she’s the last person I would tell. Probably the feeling was too intense that I had to let it out somehow. It has been kept far too long, 4 years at that time. That foolish act of mine put me in a spot as she threatened to disclose them to Janice. I begged her not to do so but she kept on teasing me. I never felt so terrified in my life as I did at that moment. I rushed to the restroom and hid there for the next half hour. During that short period, my conscience kept telling me that I should come out and face the consequences. Besides, being called to the headmaster’s office due to my absence is far worst than facing the outcome of my confession. When I entered the classroom, Anushia gave me a big smirk and I felt like giving her a big smack on the face! For the rest of the period, I dare not even look at Janice as I thought she would probably have known about it. As soon as the class was over, I confronted Anushia. Just when I was about to express my anger, she admitted that Janice knew nothing about my secret crush and she was merely teasing me. I didn’t expect that kind of respond from someone who’s known for her obnoxious behavior. Though I didn’t believe a single word she said but I was glad that I didn’t get myself in trouble. Even if I did, it would definitely worth the fight. That nasty incident taught me to be extra careful with whom I chose to disclose my feelings.

Since that day onwards, I stood low and had to refrain myself from showing such attention for Janice anymore. I could only watched her from afar and remain as just her secret admirer. That didn’t last long as I was offered to study in a boarding school. I had no choice but to convince myself that whatever I felt for her was just a crush and I should let that ‘secret love’ of mine fade in time. Never thought it would end that way but it would be for the best. Somehow the feeling still lingers on and interferes with my studies. That was the first time ever I felt the sensation of going through a failed relationship!

I decided to write her a letter of confession as an attempt to move on. The moment I mailed the letter, a feeling of uncertainty was clouding me and it kept me worried for days. I feared that she would think of me differently. To my surprise, she replied the letter. Her kind words moved me and didn’t even make me feel mortified for being who I am. We exchanged a few letters and stopped after awhile due to busy schedule. After the SPM, we lost contact when her family migrated to Australia and only met once in 1999 when she came to Malaysia for the reunion. She looked very much the same, sweet as before and we got along just fine. If only I've know her personally since the school days, it would definitely turn out better.

No words can express how relieved it was after the confession. Not sure how life would have been if I chose to disregard such wonderful feelings … my 1st crush ever and it is special in its own way.

Happy birthday Jan ...


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