April 25, 1997 was the day my beloved Dad passed away. I was not there by his side during his last moments as he was in Mecca with Mum for Haj. It happened on Friday afternoon, the last few days before both of them were to return home. A few hours prior to that, he was having a chat with Mum. Mum said there was no indication at all that he would be leaving us. Only about an hour before Asar prayer, he started complaining to his roommates about having chest pain and sudden difficulty to breathe. Mum was called immediately and reached there in time and assisted him to Shahadah until his final breath. She witnessed the whole incident - it happened so fast and painlessly. I was at home alone on Friday night when Mum called. Before the shocking news, I was in a holiday mood - took the following week off to welcome them back home. That particular week turned out to be the longest week ever as I waited in pain for Mum to return home - Alone! True what my Dad used to say - “Man Propose, God Dispose”.
Even though I didn’t get to see him before his demise, he ‘visited’ me in my dream, a few days before that depressing day. In my dream, I was taking a bus ride somewhere in UK, admiring the beautiful countryside when all of a sudden, the bus stopped. My Dad stepped in and stood a few steps away from me. He was wearing a white robe, the same one he did for Haj. I was taken by surprised as to why he was there since he was supposed to be in Mecca. The whole thing was so weird. I don’t remember seeing the bus driver or any other passenger except myself and Dad. Even the bus ride itself doesn’t make sense at all since I was already back home in Penang at that time. I asked Dad why he was there and where he was going. He didn’t say a word but only smiled at me. I wanted to hug him as I missed him so much but I just can’t get myself to move at all. I don’t remember how the dream ended. Wherever the bus stopped or the journey ended, it would definitely be a pleasant one for Dad.
If only I knew that would be the last memory of Dad, I would have taken control of my dream to give him something that I seldom do - a big hug! Until today, I regretted very much for not hugging him as much as I should have when he was still around. Not because I don’t want to but I just don’t know why. One thing for sure, whenever I close my eyes, I can see him smiling at me and that’s exactly how I will remember him.
I met Az when started Form Four in a boarding school. We were in
the same class. We sat separately in most classes except in biology. We stayed
in the same dormitory at the top floor with Form One and the rest of Form Four
freshies. My bed was the 1st one by the window while hers was the 3rd
in the same row. We got along very well from the beginning. She’s very smart, pretty and
likeable by everyone - juniors, seniors and also the teachers. I can’t really
say that we’re very close but we do know a little about each other.
She
sensed that I’m interested in girls rather than the guys. Probably because I was more friendly towards them and seldom talk to the guys in school. One night I wasn’t
in the mood to revise when it was only halfway through the prep session. I
couldn’t concentrate as I kept thinking of someone from my old school and continuously scribbled her name on the newspaper covering the dining table. She was sitting
across me and noticed that I looked distracted. She saw the girl’s name written
all over the paper and asked me what’s wrong. I didn’t say anything, just shook my head and continued to scribble whatever comes to my mind. When the bell rang,
I didn’t stop. I don’t feel like doing anything and wanted to be left alone. Seeing
me behaving that way, she pat my hand, persuaded me to stop and followed her back
to our dorm. As a friend, I could say that she cares about me in some ways.
I
don’t remember exactly when but something happened between us that year. One weekend
there were only a few of us left in our dorm as the rest went back home. That night after
I came back from watching late movie in the common room downstairs, I saw
her and other juniors having a good laugh. They were talking about family
matters, school stuff, ghost stories and even gossips around school. Seeing how
much fun they were having, I decided to join them instead of lying on my bed. I went
to sit on her bed since the juniors were sitting on the empty bed next to
her. Sometimes after past midnight, the juniors went back to their bed while I continued talking to her. I don’t remember what we talked about,
probably just random stuff.
Not
long after, we felt tired but not sleepy yet. I wanted to go back to my bed but
she asked me to sleep with her since I was the only one left at the other side of
the dorm. We continued talking and soon she fell asleep. Hours later I still can’t
sleep as I’m not used to have someone sleep beside me. I was too scared to go back to
my bed after hearing the ghost stories. So I just close my eyes and tried to
sleep. After a while, I heard the sound of her sweater zip being pulled down
slowly. It probably stopped midway as I didn’t hear the snap sound. I thought she was feeling warm and wanted to open up the
sweater a bit but I was wrong. Suddenly I felt her hand holding mine and put
inside her sweater. She was not wearing anything at all, not even a bra. As she
placed my hand on her breast, I felt her nipple against my palm. Then she slowly
squeezed my hand on her breast to massage. I was stunned when that happened. Was she having some sort of a wild dream? Was she longing for someone to touch her?My
mind was all over the place and my heart was racing as it felt uncomfortable. I
was too scared to open my eyes to see if she was awake or asleep. After a
while, she stopped squeezing and left my hand on her chest. I wanted to pull my hand right away but was afraid she would knew that I was still awake. I was too scared to even move, so I laid still for as long as I could. I
was hoping she would move or turn her body slightly so that my hand would
stay off her but she didn’t. She was lying on her back while I kept still on my left facing her with both eyes tightly shut. Both of us laid still until the call of the morning prayer was
heard. That was when she pushed my hand away and zipped up her sweater. I
waited for her to leave the dorm before I went back to my bed. I vaguely remember what
happened after that as I was still in shocked about the incident.
I
wanted to talk to her openly and sort between us. I was curious to know if she had some sort of feelings after knowing that I'm into girls. However, she never confronted me for what happened that night. She kept her
distance and avoided me. She even looked away whenever we're in the same room. She always had that disgusting
look on her face when I’m around. Within days, others in school started to talk
about the incident. She must’ve confided in someone about it. Our classmates,
juniors and seniors hate the sight of me. Even my close mate Asha said she felt disgusted with what I've done. One day I was called up by the School Counselor but can’t
recall much of what was discussed in the session. All I remembered was myself crying
after being warned the possibility of drop out of school for my indecent behaviour. It was
her words against mine. Obviously, she’s likeable by everyone with her charms whereas I’m just
me, a tomboy and it was very hard to defend for myself. Luckily, I was given verbal warning instead. Although I felt so relieved for not being expelled, I could not understand why everyone
believed she was the victim. Why can't anyone see there's a possibility that I could also be the
victim? What if she was using me for her own pleasure instead? No one will ever know because they refused to believe anything I said. I felt like an outsider or the rejects from the
Mean Girls movie. The thought of having everyone hates you is really depressing.
Sometimes it got me stressed out just thinking about the whole ordeal.
Late
one night it was raining outside. I was restless as I couldn't sleep. So I went for a walk to clear my head.
I walked aimlessly, went all the way down to the ground floor and then went up to the top and continued along the corridor. I finally stopped just
before the bathroom at the other end. I purposely stood there as the area was dark so
that no one could see me. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Not long
after that I saw someone walking up the stairs to the top floor and continued
along the corridor. From far I could see it was my mate Ayu, who was in a
different class. Her dorm was the last one which is beside where I was
standing. I quickly looked away as I thought she would just ignored me like the
rest of them. To my surprise, she came towards me and asked what I was doing
there by myself. I didn’t say much and just kept quiet. She stood there watching me staring
blankly into the dark. Then she asked if I was alright. The moment she said that, tears
started to well up in my eyes. That was the first time someone asked how I was doing after being cast aside by everyone I knew. As I looked at my hands fiddling with
the pouring rain, I kept saying “it’s a sin”. Seeing how distraught I was, she asked
me to go back instead of standing there by myself. I wanted to be left alone but
she kept asking me to go back and sleep as it was already hours past midnight. After much
persuasion, I finally went back to my dorm.
Since
that night, I noticed things slightly changed. Some of my mates slowly started to acknowledge me
and occasionally a few of them talked to me. Maybe it had something to do with that night when
I was having some “thoughts”. Ayu could have told the rest and it was only then
they realized the state that I was in. I was lucky she came over and talked to
me. She saved me from whatever I thought of doing that night. Only God knows
what was going on in my head and what might have happened if she wasn’t there to console me.
The
following year, things went back to normal as if it was a brand new start for me and Az. Though she seemed to be okay being around me, I took precaution all the time and tried not to get too close to her. It was very hard to tell if she was pretending.
Later that year, she started to hang around with a mate from another class who is
also a tomboy. Seeing her being cozy with someone like me makes me wonder if
she actually likes her or just using her like she did to me. If she's trying to make me jealous then I don't really care what she does with anyone since I don't have feelings for her at all. Even my
close mate Asha questioned her intention and reminded her about what happened between us last year. I was glad someone finally sensed that I may not be the only one to blame for that "incident". If she likes being cozy that way, there's a possibility that she wanted someone to touch her. Since I was already there by her side, she could have used me to please her that night. If she opened up to me and talked about it I would definitely understand because life was very complicated at that age. If only I went back to sleep in my own bed, none of this would have happened. Whatever it was, only God knows what actually happened that night and why. All I know is both of us have sinned and we're equally to be blamed.
