It's A Sin

I met Az when started Form Four in a boarding school. We were in the same class. We sat separately in most classes except in biology. We stayed in the same dormitory at the top floor with Form One and the rest of Form Four freshies. My bed was the 1^st one by the window while hers was the 3^rd in the same row. We got along very well from the beginning. She’s very smart, pretty and likeable by everyone - juniors, seniors and also the teachers. I can’t really say that we’re very close but we do know a little about each other.

She sensed that I’m interested in girls rather than the guys. Probably because I was more friendly towards them and seldom talk to the guys in school. One night I wasn’t in the mood to revise when it was only halfway through the prep session. I couldn’t concentrate as I kept thinking of someone from my old school and continuously scribbled her name on the newspaper covering the dining table. She was sitting across me and noticed that I looked distracted. She saw the girl’s name written all over the paper and asked me what’s wrong. I didn’t say anything, just shook my head and continued to scribble whatever comes to my mind. When the bell rang, I didn’t stop. I don’t feel like doing anything and wanted to be left alone. Seeing me behaving that way, she pat my hand, persuaded me to stop and followed her back to our dorm. As a friend, I could say that she cares about me in some ways.

I don’t remember exactly when but something happened between us that year. One weekend there were only a few of us left in our dorm as the rest went back home. That night after I came back from watching late movie in the common room downstairs, I saw her and other juniors having a good laugh. They were talking about family matters, school stuff, ghost stories and even gossips around school. Seeing how much fun they were having, I decided to join them instead of lying on my bed. I went to sit on her bed since the juniors were sitting on the empty bed next to her. Sometimes after past midnight, the juniors went back to their bed while I continued talking to her. I don’t remember what we talked about, probably just random stuff.

Not long after, we felt tired but not sleepy yet. I wanted to go back to my bed but she asked me to sleep with her since I was the only one left at the other side of the dorm. We continued talking and soon she fell asleep. Hours later I still can’t sleep as I’m not used to have someone sleep beside me. I was too scared to go back to my bed after hearing the ghost stories. So I just close my eyes and tried to sleep. After a while, I heard the sound of her sweater zip being pulled down slowly. It probably stopped midway as I didn’t hear the snap sound. I thought she was feeling warm and wanted to open up the sweater a bit but I was wrong. Suddenly I felt her hand holding mine and put inside her sweater. She was not wearing anything at all, not even a bra. As she placed my hand on her breast, I felt her nipple against my palm. Then she slowly squeezed my hand on her breast to massage. I was stunned when that happened. Was she having some sort of a wild dream? Was she longing for someone to touch her? My mind was all over the place and my heart was racing as it felt uncomfortable. I was too scared to open my eyes to see if she was awake or asleep. After a while, she stopped squeezing and left my hand on her chest. I wanted to pull my hand right away but was afraid she would knew that I was still awake. I was too scared to even move, so I laid still for as long as I could. I was hoping she would move or turn her body slightly so that my hand would stay off her but she didn’t. She was lying on her back while I kept still on my left facing her with both eyes tightly shut. Both of us laid still until the call of the morning prayer was heard. That was when she pushed my hand away and zipped up her sweater. I waited for her to leave the dorm before I went back to my bed. I vaguely remember what happened after that as I was still in shocked about the incident.

I wanted to talk to her openly and sort between us. I was curious to know if she had some sort of feelings after knowing that I'm into girls. However, she never confronted me for what happened that night. She kept her distance and avoided me. She even looked away whenever we're in the same room. She always had that disgusting look on her face when I’m around. Within days, others in school started to talk about the incident. She must’ve confided in someone about it. Our classmates, juniors and seniors hate the sight of me. Even my close mate Asha said she felt disgusted with what I've done. One day I was called up by the School Counselor but can’t recall much of what was discussed in the session. All I remembered was myself crying after being warned the possibility of drop out of school for my indecent behaviour. It was her words against mine. Obviously, she’s likeable by everyone with her charms whereas I’m just me, a tomboy and it was very hard to defend for myself. Luckily, I was given verbal warning instead. Although I felt so relieved for not being expelled, I could not understand why everyone believed she was the victim. Why can't anyone see there's a possibility that I could also be the victim? What if she was using me for her own pleasure instead? No one will ever know because they refused to believe anything I said. I felt like an outsider or the rejects from the Mean Girls movie. The thought of having everyone hates you is really depressing. Sometimes it got me stressed out just thinking about the whole ordeal.

Late one night it was raining outside. I was restless as I couldn't sleep. So I went for a walk to clear my head. I walked aimlessly, went all the way down to the ground floor and then went up to the top and continued along the corridor. I finally stopped just before the bathroom at the other end. I purposely stood there as the area was dark so that no one could see me. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Not long after that I saw someone walking up the stairs to the top floor and continued along the corridor. From far I could see it was my mate Ayu, who was in a different class. Her dorm was the last one which is beside where I was standing. I quickly looked away as I thought she would just ignored me like the rest of them. To my surprise, she came towards me and asked what I was doing there by myself. I didn’t say much and just kept quiet. She stood there watching me staring blankly into the dark. Then she asked if I was alright. The moment she said that, tears started to well up in my eyes. That was the first time someone asked how I was doing after being cast aside by everyone I knew. As I looked at my hands fiddling with the pouring rain, I kept saying “it’s a sin”. Seeing how distraught I was, she asked me to go back instead of standing there by myself. I wanted to be left alone but she kept asking me to go back and sleep as it was already hours past midnight. After much persuasion, I finally went back to my dorm.

Since that night, I noticed things slightly changed. Some of my mates slowly started to acknowledge me and occasionally a few of them talked to me. Maybe it had something to do with that night when I was having some “thoughts”. Ayu could have told the rest and it was only then they realized the state that I was in. I was lucky she came over and talked to me. She saved me from whatever I thought of doing that night. Only God knows what was going on in my head and what might have happened if she wasn’t there to console me.

The following year, things went back to normal as if it was a brand new start for me and Az. Though she seemed to be okay being around me, I took precaution all the time and tried not to get too close to her. It was very hard to tell if she was pretending. Later that year, she started to hang around with a mate from another class who is also a tomboy. Seeing her being cozy with someone like me makes me wonder if she actually likes her or just using her like she did to me. If she's trying to make me jealous then I don't really care what she does with anyone since I don't have feelings for her at all. Even my close mate Asha questioned her intention and reminded her about what happened between us last year. I was glad someone finally sensed that I may not be the only one to blame for that "incident". If she likes being cozy that way, there's a possibility that she wanted someone to touch her. Since I was already there by her side, she could have used me to please her that night. If she opened up to me and talked about it I would definitely understand because life was very complicated at that age. If only I went back to sleep in my own bed, none of this would have happened. Whatever it was, only God knows what actually happened that night and why. All I know is both of us have sinned and we're equally to be blamed.