Saturday, September 29, 2007

An Affair to Remember

I don’t remember exactly the first time I saw her but I do recall our first chat. It took place in the office pantry in 2003 while I was making coffee. She was very disappointed that morning as there was no more tea bag left for her breakfast. She can’t take coffee as she was pregnant with her 2nd child. There was nothing else left and she badly needed a drink to kick off the day. I felt so sorry for her and offered her my own teabag which I happened to have extras at my cubicle. That was our first chat and it was a brief one. Due to our busy schedule, we never saw each other again. Only in early 2005, we got acquainted a little better. It was when I started to hang out with her group of friends for friday lunch. Only then I realized that she has a great sense of humor and I enjoyed every single one of them.
 
Sometime in Oct 2005 we got to know our ‘little secrets’. It was during our discussion about intimate relationship between two girls featured in an Indonesian movie, ‘Tentang Dia’. She told me that the movie reminded her of a similar relationship with her best friend. I was appalled for a moment but since she was willing enough to open up, I did the same thing - told her that I had a similar thing with a girl too. We never shared the details but we swore not to tell a soul about it. We never did ... it was left as it is and we just go on living like there’s nothing else to tell.

In end July 2006, the two of us went out on friday as the rest of the girls had other plans. That was the first time just the two of us had lunch and it was then we got to know more of each other. When there was nothing left to say, she started talking about her past relationship with her best friend. When we came back from lunch, my mind started to wonder about my past. I felt compelled to tell her my side of story since she already opened up herself to me. That weekend, I searched through all my archived email and personal stuff in my CD. After re-format into pdf file, I emailed to her as I felt too ashamed to talk about it face to face. Since that particular moment, there was a series of email between us, exchanging thoughts of our loved ones. We never stop thinking of them even though we have moved on all these years. We even got to know that we both share the same song. Bryan Adam's Please Forgive Me is the song that we both dedicated to our loved ones. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we declared it simultaneously. I doubt so but if that were to happen, it would be totally ironic!!
I was very pleased to finally found someone whom I could comfortably open up myself. It's like searching for someone similar to your soulmate. I felt so ease and certainly at peace. I never had that chance before as I was afraid of rejection once people know my true self. The thought of knowing someone with similar past made me feel liberated in a way. We took precaution all the time - only communicated through email or IM and never discussed in the open. Even when we met along the aisle in the office, we never mention a single word about it. We sort of give each other a look that says, ‘No worries ... I do understand’.

One unexpected day, I found myself falling for her. I don’t know how it happened as there wasn’t any exchange of intimacy or affection between us. All those time when we shared our past, it never occurred to me that it might eventually start one between us. Though I love to look into her eyes every time we met, it doesn’t mean that I felt something for her. Nonetheless, I can't deny the fact that she has a certain charm that caught my eyes all the while. I truly admire her self-confidence, compassion and passion in everything she does. She gives her heart and soul in pursuing whatever she truly believes. I was absolutely drawn towards her beautiful character. She inspired me to be a better me. That’s the reason I enjoyed more of her company each day.

I know that having some sort of affection for her is very inapproriate as she trusted me for being a friend. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have shared her secrets with me. I told myself many times to put it aside but my heart just can’t deny what it feels inside. Last year on her birthday, I made a stupid mistake that totally ruined our beautiful friendship. I got too carried away in my creativity and made her a media slide that shows us as couple. She felt very uncomfortable and avoided me ever since. The worst part is that she no longer joined our friday lunch whenever I’m around. I felt so guilty for making her life miserable as I never meant any of that to happen. I tried to sort things out but the opportunity never came about.

Finally in Dec 2006, I emailed to her and confessed about everything. As expected, she was very furious. That time, I have totally crossed the line. We never spoke or see each other again until my birthday celebration in Jan 2007. I was extremely happy as she finally broke her silence. We briefly acknowledged each other but the words spoken were not meant as they were before. I could never bring myself to look into her eyes again as I felt too ashamed of myself. I truly deserve that as it was my own foolish mistake.
 
Things were never the same again. We have less interaction and obviously we were never as close as we were before. Even when we tried to be friendly, a sense of discomfort made us feel more of a stranger to one another. I have difficulty to strike a conversation with her. My mind froze and my lips can't utter a single word. The worst part was I even contemplate to say 'Hi' to her, thinking that she may not like it. I ended up with nothing to say at all. I felt so useless, as if I've lost my ‘charm’. It happened too many times and at some point, I felt totally incompetent to be around her at all. Until today, I still wish that I could get myself to talk to her like I did before. That thought of mine is most likely to end up as just a wishful thinking. It's just too late ... she's leaving soon.

A year has gone by but I still can’t figure out why it was so hard to let go ... my heart wasn't willing to live a lie. I've passed the cross-road and I chose the wrong path. Though I'm heading nowhere, I'm glad I took this chance of a lifetime. I didn't reach my destination but I'm grateful enough for the best times that I've had throughout the journey. I shall continue this never-ending journey in a new path till I find my true destiny ...
 

I asked myself before, would I feel something for her even if she didn’t open up to me at all? The answer will still be 'Yes'. My affection towards her has little to do with our secrets, it was more of her personality. Though ‘This Masquerade’ has come to an end, there were a few stolen moments that I shall never forget - the times when I looked into her eyes. They were the most sincere moments that we had. The heart may deny what’s buried deep down inside but the truth lies within the naked eyes. Undeniably, this is truly “An Affair to Remember”.




“The Eyes are blind no matter how clearly they see
The Heart is open no matter how badly it hurts
The Words are spoken no matter how wrongfully it feels”




Lara,
I apologize for everything … Please Forgive Me

Truly,
JP

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