Saturday, September 29, 2007

An Affair to Remember

I don’t remember exactly the first time I saw her but I do recall our first chat in 2003. It took place in the office pantry while I was making coffee. She was very disappointed that morning as there's no more teabag left. She can’t take coffee as she was pregnant with her 2nd child. There's nothing else left and she needed a drink to kick off the day. I felt sorry for her and offered my own teabag instead which I have extras. That was our first chat, it was very brief. Due to our busy schedule, we hardly bumped into each other again. Occasionally I saw her walked passed my cubicle on her way out for lunch. Then in early 2005, we got acquainted a little better when a close friend who happened to know her invited me to join them with few others for lunch. Since that day onwards, I always look forward for our friday lunch sessions. 
 
A few months later during lunch, she brought up an interesting topic about intimate relationship between two girls in an Indonesian movie, ‘Tentang Dia’. I don't know what made her wanted to discuss about such relationship. Out of curiosity, I bought the VCD to understand what the fuss is all about the movie. A few months after that, I told her about the VCD which made her wanted to borrow. Since she was extremely busy, it took her almost a month to finish as she could only watch privately in the office after work. Sometime in Oct 2005, we got to know our ‘little secrets’. I received email saying the movie reminded her of similar relationship with her best friend. Although she didn't share in detail, I was appalled for a moment with her confession. I didn't expect that coming from her. Since she was willing enough to open up, I replied that I had a similar thing with a girl too. We swore not to tell a soul about each other's secrets. We never did ... it was left as it is and we moved on like there’s nothing else to tell.

In end July 2006, we were the only ones available for lunch as the rest had other plans. I still remember that day. That was The First Time she looked extremely gorgeous wearing beautiful kebaya with high heels and carrying one of a kind wood-crafted handbag. If I had known she would dressed up elegantly, I would have put on my best pants and shirt. Luckily we were color-coordinated and looked compatible in a way. As we were walking towards the carpark, her heels got tangled in between the stone walkway. She held onto my shoulder for support as she was trying to fix them. As I waited for her, there were a group of ladies chilling on the grass lawn watching us. I should've offered my help instead of letting her handle by herself. Once done, we continued walking together as if nothing happened. During that moment I’ve never felt so proud to walk by her side leaving curious onlookers wondering about us. I took her to E-Gate Secret Recipe. That was the first time it was just the two of us and it was then we knew more of each other. When there was nothing left to say, she started talking about her past relationship with her best friend. Towards the end of our meal, I wanted to tell her about mine but don't know where to begin. With the place crowded and noisy with hungry patrons, it made even harder for me to think back what happened more than a decade ago. I could tell from her face that she looked disappointed when I didn't say much about my past, only bits and pieces.

When we came back from lunch, my mind started to wonder about my past. I felt compelled to tell her the whole story after she opened up to me. That weekend, I searched through my personal stuff from archived CDs. I was looking for something I wrote to someone when both of us were studying in UK. After re-format into pdf, I emailed her as I felt too ashamed to talk about it face to face. Since that day onwards, there were a series of email between us, exchanging thoughts of our loved ones. We never stop thinking of them even though we had moved on all these years. We even got to know that we shared the same song. Bryan Adam's Please Forgive Me is the song we dedicated to our loved ones. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we declared it simultaneously. I doubt so but if that were to happen, it would be totally ironic!

I was pleased to finally found someone whom I felt comfortable to open up about myself. It's like searching for someone similar to a soulmate. I felt so ease and certainly at peace. I never had that chance before as I was afraid of rejection once people knew my true self. The thought of knowing someone with similar past made me feel liberated in a way. We took precaution all the time - only communicated through email or office messenger and never discussed in the open. Even when we met along the corridor in the office, we never mention a single word about it. We sort of give each other a look that says, ‘No worries ... I do understand’.

One unexpected day, I found myself falling for her. I don’t know how it happened as we didn't show any signs of affection towards another. However, I do recall a few random ones when we were out with lunch mates. The first one was when all of us were walking in the carpark and she wanted to show how someone tried to hug her. That's when I was caught by surprise when she snugged me from behind. The other incident happened while we were walking in the mall when suddenly she  held my arm to stop me and showed something that caught her eyes. Another time was when she held my hand to get something from my shopping bag. I do recall the time I accidentally touched her hand. It happened when I was about to drive into in a parking space and at the same time, there was another car from behind trying to get into the same spot. She wanted to get out to stop the car but I held her hand to stop her instead. It wasn’t done on purpose, just a reflex reaction as I don’t want her to get into trouble. The closest we've been was when she asked me to touch up her face while getting ready for Commendation Awards Dinner. I was trembling inside being so close to her that night. Although those were just spur at the moment kind of thing, still they could trigger some sort of feelings inside. 

All those times when we shared our past, it never crossed my mind that there could be something between us. Although I love to look into her eyes every time we met, it doesn’t mean that I felt something for her. Nonetheless, I can't deny the fact that she has a certain charm that caught my eyes all the while. I truly admire her self-confidence, compassion and passion in everything she does. She put her heart and soul in pursuing whatever she believes. I was absolutely drawn towards her beautiful character. She inspired me to be a better me. That’s the reason I enjoyed more of her company each day.

I know that having some sort of affection for her is very inappropriate as she trusted me for being a good friend. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have shared her secrets with me. I told myself many times to put it aside but my heart just can’t deny what it feels inside. Last year on her birthday, I made a stupid mistake that totally ruined our beautiful friendship. I got too carried away in my creativity and made her a media slide "about us". She felt very uncomfortable and avoided me ever since. The worst part is that she preferred not to join friday lunch whenever I'm around. I felt so guilty for making her life miserable as I never meant any of that to happen. I tried to sort things out but the opportunity never came about.

Finally in Dec 2006, I emailed to her and confessed about everything. As expected, she was very furious. That time, I had totally crossed the line. We never spoke or saw each other again until my birthday celebration in Jan 2007. I was extremely happy as she finally broke her silence. We briefly acknowledged each other but the words spoken were not meant as they were before. I could never get myself to look into her eyes again as I felt too ashamed for what I did. I truly deserve that as it was my own foolish mistake.
 
Things were never the same again. We had less interaction and obviously we were not as close as we were before. Even when we tried to be friendly, a sense of discomfort made us feel more of a stranger to one another. It was hard to strike a conversation with her. My mind froze and my lips can't say a single word. The worst part was I even contemplated to say 'Hi' to her, thinking that she may not like it. I ended up with nothing to say at all. I felt useless, as if I've lost my ‘charm’. It happened too many times and at some point, I felt totally incompetent to be around her at all. Until today, I still wish that I could comfortably talk to her like I used to. That thought of mine ended up as wishful thinking instead. It was too late ... she's leaving soon.

A year had gone by but I still can’t figure out why it was so hard to let go ... my heart wasn't willing to live a lie. I've passed the cross-road and I chose the wrong path. Though I'm heading nowhere, I'm glad I took the chance of a lifetime. I may not reach my destination but I'm truly blessed for the best times I had throughout the journey. I shall continue this never-ending journey in a new path till I find my true destiny. 

I asked myself before, would I feel something for her even if she didn’t open up to me at all? The answer will still be 'Yes'. My affection towards her has little to do with our secrets, it was more of her personality. I was drawn towards her inner beauty, her beautiful soul captivated my heart. Although This Masquerade has come to an end, there were a few stolen moments that I shall never forget - the times when I looked into her eyes. They were the most sincere moments we had. The heart may deny what’s buried deep down inside but the truth lies within the naked eyes. Undeniably, this is truly An Affair to Remember.




Lara,
I'm truly sorry for everything … Please Forgive Me

Truly,
JP




Ne Me Quitta Pas
Don't leave me
We must forget
All can be forgotten
That has already passed away
Forget the time
Of misunderstandings
And the time lost
Trying to know "how"
Forget those hours
That sometimes kill
With slaps of "why"
The heart of happiness
Don't leave me (4x)

I will give to you
Pearls made of rain
From countries
Where it never rains
I will work the land
All my life and beyond
To cover your body
With gold and with light
I will make a land
Where love will be king
Where love will be law
Where you will be queen
Don't leave me (4x)

Don't leave me
I will invent, for you
Fanciful words
That you'll understand
I will tell you
About those lovers
Who have twice seen
Their hearts set ablaze
I will tell you
The story of the king
Who died of not having
Ever met you
Don't leave me (4x)

We've often seen
Fire flowing again
From an ancient volcano
Considered too old
It's said that there are
Fire-scorched lands
That yield more wheat
Than the best April
And when evening comes
With a burning sky
The red and the black--
Are they not joined together?
Don't leave me (4x)

Don't leave me
I won't cry anymore
I won't talk anymore
I will hide over there
To watch you
Dance and smile
And to hear you
Sing and then laugh
Let me become
The shadow of your shadow
The shadow of your hand
The shadow of your dog
Don't leave me (4x)

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