Saturday, November 10, 2007

What’s with the Piercing?

During lunch time yesterday, a friend of mine asked about my ear piercings. If I remembered precisely, that’s not the 1st time she asked. I gave her the same answer like I did before. I said they’re just for fun when in actual fact, they’re not. The truth is, they symbolize the pain I felt with someone I love. Wish I could easily share with anyone but I just can’t. Baby is the only one who knew about it when I shared with her about my past 2 years ago.

I had my 2nd piercing after my 1st break up with Ila in 1998 when I knew she was sneaking out with a guy while we were together. Although we made up after that, it only lasted for another 6 months when she suddenly disappeared. She quit her job and left without a word. I searched for her everywhere but no one seems to know her whereabout. Her family refused to tell the truth, her best friend avoided me and her office mates said they knew nothing about her disappearance. I got frustrated as I’ve got no one else to turn to. After months of search, I decided to end it as it led me nowhere. It was then I had my 3rd pierce to remind me of that incident. I never regret having my 3rd piercing even when she came back a year after that. They symbolize my eternal love for her. When she left me indefinitely in 2001, I totally lost my faith in love. I was too weak to revive what’s left of us that I just had to let her go. I decided not to pierce anymore to remind our 3rd separation because deep down inside, I still believe that she will come back to me someday. I still do …

The act of piercing my ears after being hurt by someone I love is to commemorate the memories we shared. I got hurt so bad that I just have to hurt myself even more to get over it. But of course, I will not do it for just anyone. Only special ones deserve to be remembered, the rest are just part of my past. Even when I was on a ‘break’ with Baby in April 2005, I didn’t do anything drastically to hurt myself. I wanted to but I just can’t convince myself that it’s worth doing it. Probably I was dying to find someone to replace Ila so bad that I was blinded by the truth. In the end, I followed my conscience and decided to remain as friends with Baby.

The search is still on for someone who would hurt me indefinitely … even worst than Ila. If it doesn’t hurt, then it’s definitely not love. Love hurts but life hurts more when you’re not with that somebody. For the ultimate act for love, I would ‘Tattoo’ her name in my heart coz it will last forever.

“ Just like a Tattoo … I’ll always have you ”

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