Saturday, January 26, 2008

'We' ... or just 'Me'

Where have ‘We’ been?
.. or ‘We’ should never be seen. 

Where are ‘We’ going? 
.. or ‘We’ don’t know what we’re doing. 

Do ‘We’ still exist? 
.. or there’s something that I miss. 

Are ‘We’ drifting apart?
.. or ‘We’ should never start. 

Are ‘We’ still together? 
.. or ‘We’ should look for another. 

Should ‘We’ stay?
.. or ‘We’ rather fade away. 

Are ‘We’ ending? 
.. or there’s no ‘We’ from the beginning.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Being Happy

My dad gave me with this book, "Being Happy by Andrew Matthews" as a birthday gift. It went missing 12 years ago, just recently found. Seems that my younger brother borrowed and totally forgot about it all these years. He found last week after I persistently asked him to look through his book collection earlier this year.

I came to know about its ‘disappearance’ while I was on holiday in KL last December. I was looking for a book to read as I couldn’t sleep that night. While browsing through my Aunt's book shelf, this particular book caught my attention as it looks very familiar. When I looked through the note written inside, it’s a gift from her dear husband. Suddenly, I remembered that I used to have one years ago. Someone borrowed and has not returned ever since. I lost the interest to find something to read right that moment. Instead, my mind started to wonder about the missing book, which happened to be the last birthday gift from my dad. I’ve never been careless before, especially when it comes to prized possessions. The thought of losing it was very upsetting. I couldn’t sleep at all the entire night, was trying hard to remember who could’ve borrowed. I asked everyone the next morning but no one recalls seeing such book back home. My Aunt wanted me to have hers but I politely declined. I’d rather have the copy that my dad gave, the only one I cherish very much. I was devastated as I haven’t even had the chance to finish reading it. I vowed not to read that book again until I found the one that belongs to me.

The arrival of this long awaited book is like an omen. In a way, it’s telling me that I should find my happiness no matter how long it takes. Maybe it’s already there but I’m just too blind to see. Another possibility is that I can see it's there but not ready to acknowledge or too scared to take a step forward. Either way, I’ll keep my eyes wide open for anything that comes along. I shall be happy with whatever that awaits me eventually. It may take time but I will reach there one fine day...

Dear Dad,
Frank Sinatra did it his way …
Likewise, I shall pursue my happiness in my own way.

Thanks for the book.
Here’s looking at you Dad …



Saturday, January 12, 2008

New Year - New Beginning or Ending?

It has been a bad start since the beginning of the year. I was down with high fever on new year’s eve and lasted for more than a week. There wasn’t much of a birthday celebration either as I wasn’t in the mood. My body was weak and I lost focus. My mind was elsewhere most of the time and I have no idea what was bothering me. Apart from the constant distraction, I got cranky easily. Even a slight noise around my cubicle drove me up the wall. Probably it was due to the strong medication. I should have known better than to display such erratic behavior. I really hate myself!!

In times like this, I would rather be left alone than having people to dislike me for not being myself. However, this time around, I badly need some company but the person who should be concern about me doesn’t seem to care at all. For unknown reason, Baby has been ignoring me. She gave all sorts of excuses to avoid talking whenever I saw her, as if she doesn’t want me hanging around anymore. I wonder if it's because of the media slides I made for Shila's farewell that made her jealous. There's nothing to be jealous about as they're just memorabilia of photos collection with her colleagues which I volunteered to help since other committee members were tight up with other arrangements. Whatever the reason was, I wish she opens up to me like she always do, no matter how complicated it is. 

We were okay before last November. She was hanging around with me almost everyday, came to my cubicle whenever she needs me. As always, I would put aside whatever I was doing and focused on her. She likes being pampered and I would do whatever she wants just to see her happy. Her words were so seductive, felt like I was under a spell. I fall for her ‘innocence’ and that's what upset me the most. I thought we're good friends. My instinct is bad, don’t even know who to trust and what to believe anymore. 

These days, words are so hard to come by. I felt as if I’ve lost my charm, can't even find the right words to express what I feel inside. Everything seems redundant, nothing interest me anymore. I’m living my life as it is, just couldn’t care less about anything or anyone at all, don't even know where I'm heading ... 

I wish for the magic to return … 
I wish to be myself again … 
I wish to find what I'm looking for.

XOXO

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
I have climbed the highest mountains 
I have run through the fields 
Only to be with you

I have run, I have crawled 
I have scaled these city walls 
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found 
What I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips 
Felt the healing in her finger tips 
It burned like fire 
(I was) burning inside her

I have spoke with the tongue of angels 
I have held the hand of a devil 
It was warm in the night 
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found 
What I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come 
Then all the colours will bleed into one 
Bleed into one
But yes, I'm still running

You broke the bonds 
And you loosed the chains 
Carried the cross of my shame 
Oh my shame, you know I believe it

But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for