With or Without You ...

“Love isn’t finding someone whom you can live with … it’s finding someone you can’t live without.”

I came across above phrase from the internet recently, not sure why it caught my attention instantly. Perhaps it has something to do with myself constantly thinking about my soul mate. Whenever someone comes along, I always grab any opportunity to explore if that’s the person I should be with. How to know if she's “The One”? How to tell if I fall for the wrong one? Will I eventually find my soul mate? When it comes to love, I’m just too blind to sense the truth.

About 4 months ago, my friend planned for a weekend getaway in KL for a shopping spree. It was also a chance for us to spend time as she’s always busy with kids at home. On the way back the next day, we talked about random stuff. One of the things she asked was how I deal with my “feelings” these days. She knows that I’m attracted to female because she’s one of them, the one I truly love the most since 1996. She was uneasy with my confession but still accept me as long as we’re just friends. I agreed although at times it was hard to control my feelings. Anyway, I told her about "Elle Dee" who knew things about me, how it all started and badly ended. She told me to forget about "Elle Dee" and move on, which I already did. After our random talk, we listened to my songs playlist while casually chat. After about an hour later, “Rossa - Aku Bukan Untukmu” started playing and I felt a bit emotional as it reminded me of what happened with "Elle Dee". When seeing tears on my cheeks, she told me not to think about the past and look for what's ahead. She also asked me to shut off the player but I still insisted to listen. I was okay shortly after, probably just need a silent cry to let it out. We stopped chatting and after a while she fell sleep.

Just after Jawi, there was a car tail-gating us and continuously flashing. I wanted to switch lane but the gap between the cars is too near. Instead, I speed up ahead. Since there was a stretch of cars along the left lane, it took a while before I could get in. The car at the back suddenly kept honking, forcing me to quickly move aside. It woke her up instantly and shocked to see what happened. She was angry although I told her it was the other car who was very impatient to get through. Suddenly for some reason, she told me to drop her at Juru RnR instead of sending back home. I asked her why but she kept quiet and refused to talk or even look at me. I kept saying the tail-gating incident was not my fault. I asked how will she get home and what will her husband say? Still no answer. Then I asked if it was because I got emotional over a song that reminded me of someone else when I should focus on her instead? Instantly, she got angry. I can’t tell if that was a stupid assumption or it was the actual reason. Seeing how angry she was, I kept quiet for the rest of the journey. As soon as we reached Juru RnR, I asked again if this is what she really wanted. She said don’t bother asking, then quickly grabbed all her luggage and left me standing alone. I kept looking her way hoping she will turn around but never did. When she was out of sight, I drove off. The rest of the night felt like the longest ride home. 

Few days later, I tried to call her hoping that she would calmed down by then. I couldn't get through at all. I was totally disappointed with what I did. I don't know why I kept messing things up between us. I Should Have Know Better ... should have stopped listening to those stupid love songs in the first place. If only I kept quiet and do what she said without asking too much, things would turned out differently. It was only earlier this year she got in touch with me after been silent for 7 years. Now our friendship is ruined, I messed up something beautiful that could’ve been. I remembered something my late Dad used to say, “When God takes away something from us, He will give something better in return”. Perhaps there will be another chance for us again in future. While waiting for that day to happen, I’ll keep on living …

“ With or Without You … I Shall Live ”

U2 - With or Without You

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side 

I wait for you

 

Sleight of hand and twist of fate 

On a bed of nails she makes me wait 

And I wait without you 

With or without you

 

Through the storm we reach the shore 

You give it all but I want more 

And I'm waiting for you

 

With or without you 

I can't live 

With or without you

 

And you give yourself away 

And you give

And you give yourself away 

My hands are tied 

My body bruised, she's got me with 

Nothing to win and 

Nothing left to lose 

And you give yourself away 

And you give 

And you give yourself away 

With or without you ... I can't live