You Had Me Bleed ...

Dear Eila ...

The last time we went out was June last year before puasa. We had dinner, walked around AutoCity outlets and talked for hours before headed home. It’s been awhile since we had that much fun. We rarely go out after that, only watsapp occasionally. The last watsapp in end Feb 2016 left me worried, you read my message but did not reply. It was weird because earlier that month we exchanged a few messages on your birthday, you were excited about planning a nite out to celebrate. Initially I thought you might have forgotten all about it with your busy schedule. So I tried the following month and the same thing happened, you read but did not respond. 

I tried again the next month and still silence. My last watsapp was in May 2016 before you blocked my access. I was surprised because I was only asking about your well-being. I couldn’t recall of doing something bad or saying anything that might upset you. I’m sorry if you feel pressured to meet me after more than a year. I doubt that was the reason. I'm okay if you can't as I understand your situation, always do. I had no choice but to call you, just to know what was going on and if there's anything I could do to help. The same thing happened, you didn’t answer until the ringing stopped. Perhaps the call came at the wrong time when you were busy with the kids. I couldn’t figure out the right time and definitely do not want to interfere your time with family. The following month I called just before left for work thinking that by then you would have dropped the kids at school and having some time on your own. I was wrong again, your phone kept ringing and I waited until it finally stopped.

I definitely understand if you’re busy. All I need is a simple message saying you’re alright and there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not a difficult thing to do but yet you rather stay silence and that’s killing me. My last chance was getting through FB. I sent message trying to apologize for anything that I could have done unintentionally to hurt you. That too was useless like my previous attempts through watsapp and phone calls. Not only the message was ignored, you even blocked me in FB. Looks like all of my social access to you have been denied. I seriously don’t understand what was going on. My only worry is your health condition as that was the only thing that kept me thinking during those times. It’s okay if you rather keep it to yourself but it's making me worried all the time.

I decided to just let it be for the next few months hoping that you would finally open up after months of silence. Then it was almost end of the year and you seemed not to care at all to get back to me. I was hoping someday I would receive a missed call from you but that never happen. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I made a surprise visit last Friday which happened to be the last week of my unpaid leave. Instead, I was the one who got a shocking surprise. When I reached your house, the gate was already wide opened and your car was parked inside. I tried to call but you didn’t answer. So I walked inside and knocked the front door, still no answer. Took a quick look around but no one seemed to be at home. Since it was raining, I decided to wait under the porch. Occasionally I knocked the door hoping someone would hear me. While waiting outside, my heart was not at peace. What if you're not at home? What if something happened and you're all alone? What if there's someone in the house and tried to harm you? What if you don't like me being there at all? My mind was all over the place.

After an hour, the door was finally opened. At that instant, my heart was racing as I was afraid that it might be someone else behind the door. Then there you were, looking away from me and giving that look as if there was a stranger in front of you. It took me by surprise to seeing you that way. You asked in a rude manner “What are you doing here?” I kept looking at you hoping that you would look my way but you didn't. So I said “Are you ok? You’ve been quiet for so long, did anything happened?” You kept quiet, took your stuff and walked towards the car without looking at me as if I wasn't even there. While I was standing in front of your car looking like a fool, you said “Go away, I don’t want to see you”. I was clueless and kept asking what I did so wrong that you’re giving me the attitude. You angrily said “Have you no shame?? People are watching!!” Owh, please, I'm not a fool. No one was looking. I’ve been sitting there for the past hour and no one seemed to be bothered by my presence. If you wanted me to leave, you could have said it politely and I would just leave you alone. Instead, you threatened to crash into my car if I don't go. I was totally speechless upon hearing those last words.

I dashed to my car and never looked back. I was totally pissed off with the way you treated me. I was deeply hurt to hear those words, especially the way they were said. You didn’t look at me, not even a glance as if I'm so disgusted and my presence was nothing more than a shame to you. Do you really hate me that much? What exactly did I do to deserve these? I know that I'm not like any of your friends but that doesn’t give you the right to degrade me in such manner. You were never this mean to me before, what happened to you? 

As I was driving home, I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve never been that humiliated before. Even when you left me twice without a word years ago, I never felt so hurt. The other reason I really wanted to see you is because I was going through a stressful time at work. The toxic people that I'm working with is killing me. That was the only time I needed you the most but you can't even look at me for some unknown reasons. Why can't you open up to me like you used to? What exactly did I do wrong that made you hate me so much? We've been through a lot together and had a few misunderstandings before but this by far is the most complicated situation I could never figure out. This time you really hurt me so bad ... you had me bleed.

I'm Truly Sorry ...

Dear Nurul …

You have always been a good friend since the day we met. You’re the reason I ended up with so many lunch mates. We shared lots of fun and crazy moments together. Before that, I was always by myself and hardly socialize. You love to talk about anything, from trends to travel and technology. Everyone is simply drawn towards your cheeky and chatty attitude. You have an aura that makes people love hanging around and never feel bored. You have a certain “Je Ne Sais Quoi” that amazes everyone. One would wonder how you live such an active lifestyle. No matter how busy, you will always have time to enjoy life. You live for the moment and never let anything or anyone get in the way. After all those years of knowing you, I never thought someday I will never be able to see you again. I really hate myself considered a stranger to you these days.

I admit it was wrong of me to disclose about your resignation to our close mates. It was only by chance I heard from the corporate admin. Don’t even know why she asked, probably assumed I knew about it since we're close friends. It caught me by surprise, I couldn’t concentrate on work after that. It kept me thinking why such big decision after all these years. I buzzed thru messenger and even called you but there’s no response. I wanted to see you but you're located in a different building which I don't have access. I was restless and don’t know what else to do. I decided to confide in someone close to you as I thought she would have known about it but turned out that she had no idea at all. It was only then I realized you don’t want anyone to know, not even close ones and myself included. I should’ve kept to myself instead. It wasn’t my intention to pry, I was concern about you like I always do. You must have a personal reason for not wanting others to know. I felt so guilty for what I did. 

The week after, you finally broke silence with email about going for umrah. We didn’t have a chance to meet as you’ll be leaving in the next few days. I wanted to call but decided to reply your email instead to avoid unnecessary discomfort. The fact that you replied back shows that we’re good. That was in mid Dec 2013 which was your last day in the office. Sometime in Jan the following year, I was at the condo to settle something at the management office. I planned to drop by your place for a chat since we didn’t meet up before you left. You were not home, I called but it got cut-off halfway through. The next day, you messaged thru FB as there’s some issue with your handphone. You were busy with many things to settle before moving to KL. You said will meet up but never did call back. Probably you were too stressed out with everyone asking for a meet up.

Months later, in April 2014 we accidentally bumped into each other at the condo. I was on my way down from the management office. When the lift opened, there you were. We were both surprised, I greeted but you seemed distracted. You were on your way out but couldn't find the car keys. You looked so confused and lost. You kept searching inside your handbag and all your jeans pockets multiple times but still couldn't find. You wanted to go back up again in case it was left inside your condo. I suggested to have lunch with me first and later will help you find the keys. You agreed although still thinking where you could have misplaced them.

I took you to nearby Old Town for lunch. We initially talked about things that happened after you left. Then you started to talk about what made you resigned and explained why you rather not have anyone knowing about it. You even asked me not to tell others about our meet up that day. We spent almost 2 hours which already passed my lunch break. I couldn't care less as I really wanted to see you. We went back to condo after lunch. While chatting in the car, suddenly you found the keys inside one of the jeans pocket. It was weird because you already searched them before and it wasn't there. Maybe it went "missing" for a particular reason, perhaps it was a chance for us to meet again. Was it a coincidence or by accident? Whatever the reason was, I’m glad it happened.

We went back to the management office as you wanted to settle something. Once done, you decided not to go out and wanted to stay home instead. Wish I could spend more time with you as it has been awhile but I had to go back to the office. Before we part, we had our final chat. This time both of us were emotional. You were disappointed with me for confiding in our close friends about you leaving. You said no matter what the reason was, I had no right to do what I did. I tried to let you know that it was all because I truly care about you. Thought it was the right thing to do but turned out it wasn’t. I endlessly said sorry and begged your forgiveness. I’ve never felt that emotional before, never cried that hard for anyone. I lost words of what I wanted to say, no amount is enough to express my regrets. The look on your face those last moments told me that was it ... I’ll never be able to see you again. I was deeply hurt and can't stop saying sorry after our last goodbye. I tried to apologize few times through watsapp and FB message but there was no response. Both access have been blocked since then. Until today I can't tell if you have forgiven me for what happened.

I remembered once you said that we have a long history together. I couldn't agree more. We shared so much laughter and fond memories throughout all those years since 2002. We had our ups and downs but you were a really good friend to me all the while. You showed me there’s more to life than just work, got to have fun and enjoy while you can. At times when you were feeling down, you even confided in me. I was there whenever you needed a friend, always glad to help in any way I can. That shows how much you trusted me. I don't remember any misunderstanding between us, we never drift apart. If I show how much I care is because you're one of my close friends, that's all. This is the only time I made a mistake and it was by accident, never meant any of that to happen. I sincerely beg for your forgiveness. I do not wish for us to remain strangers with just memories. I truly pray someday we will see each other again, whether by coincidence or otherwise. In the meantime, take care my dear friend. I'll See You when the road decides it's time for our paths to cross again. 

Please forgive me Nurul.

Gomenasai

The first time I saw her in the office was end 2010. She was talking to my friend who was also her colleague working on the same program. Whenever I walked passed my friend’s place, they were always engaged in work discussion. One day I gently interrupted them to confirm lunch plan with my friend. That was when we were introduced. I briefly acknowledged her and left them to continue with their discussion. Since that day onwards, I often walked by my friend’s place just to lookout for her. I was lucky as most of the time she was there. We exchanged glances a few times but never say a word. She looked serious most of the time, probably due to on-going work issues. I don't know why but I just wanted to get to know her. When I came across her profile in facebook, I sent her a request hoping that it might get us better acquainted. I was wrong, she did not respond.

Weeks after that, I saw her talking to another colleague during lunch. As I passed by, I jokingly said she was taking too long to accept my FB request. She was not amused, she had a serious look on her face instead. I tried to engage in their conversation but they looked not interested at all. So I left them, feeling like a total idiot. From that day onwards, I stopped looking for her since she was not keen to be my friend. Unexpectedly in Jan 2011, she finally accepted my FB request. Since then, I knew little bit about her.

Months later, I asked her to join friday lunch with my mates. Most of the time she felt shy and a bit awkward as she's a lot younger than the rest of us. Every now and then, I tried to engage her in the group conversation to make her feel more comfortable and welcomed. After a few sessions, she was delighted to join us as we always have "interesting" topics for discussion, in other words hot gossips to share. Seeing her adapting well with them makes me glad as I get to spend my lunch time with her as well.

Apart from the lunch, we also went out a few times for movies in the weekend. There was once we continued with dinner and desserts after movie as we don't feel like going home yet. We both agreed to try something new. She had her 1st Subway meal while I had my 1st taste of Tutti Frutti. We stayed until late night and talked about random things, from work to friends, family and even personal. She made me feel like a good companion to talk about anything, including things that does not makes sense. That was the first time I felt so alive ever since I ended my relationship with Beautiful Liar. Basically, that is all I need, a good friend having a great time together.

In the last few months of 2011, we seldom go out as she was busy with her wedding preparation due in Feb 2012. I was invited and really wanted to go but felt awkward to attend alone. So I passed the wedding gift to her colleague instead. After she came back to work, I apologized to her for not attending her special day. I was worried she might not forgive me but was relieved that she totally understand my situation. After all, she was extremely happy being married as everything turned out the way she had planned although she was not feeling well that day.

A month after the wedding, I took her for lunch as it has been months since we last went out. While having lunch at Nando’s, she received a call from her colleague who was queuing outside with our mutual friend whom she's doesn't like very much. They saw us having lunch while waiting for a table and wanted to know if they could join us instead. She was tempted not to let them but agreed after I said it would looked selfish of us. Throughout the rest of lunch, we did not talk much as we don't feel comfortable sharing conversation with them. We quickly finished our meal and excused ourselves. The moment we left the table, she looked so relief. She was thinking of telling them off for interrupting us. I purposely made funny remarks about them just to calm her down. She eventually did and we both had a big laugh over the whole silly thing. As we walked outside the restaurant, she held my hand. At that moment, I felt a warm feeling inside. However, her grip did not last that long and I pretended not to notice. It certainly feels wonderful having someone to hold my hand, even just for a while. Perhaps it was her way of thanking me for having such a great time.

In April 2012, things suddenly changed. Our occasional IM and SMS have stopped. For some reason she preferred not to spend time with me. She did not directly imply but I could sensed through her choice of words and attitude. Several times, I tried to approach her but she avoided talking to me. I was clueless on what happened. Maybe it was a stressful time to settle her work issues, or perhaps her husband does not like me spending time with her anymore. Whatever the reason was, I decided to stay away from her. I even took longer route to get around the office, just for her sake. At times, it was very hard to be invisible to her no matter how much I tried. If that’s what she wants then that’s exactly what I had to do.

A month after that, she was transferred to another group working on a new program. Her cubicle is much further away. Still, there were times I accidentally bumped into her on the way to the pantry. We briefly nod without saying a word. We were like two colleagues in the same office who barely know each other. Many times, I wanted to ask what I did so wrong that made her kept a distance from me. I never had the chance, as she would walked in between cubicles whenever she saw me heading her way from far. It really hurt me deep inside not knowing what made her despise me that much.

I decided to let things as they were and hope someday we will be just like before. Unfortunately, it did not happen. Instead, she found new friends with common interests. They clicked instantly and became closer than I ever was with her. At that moment, it made me realized that I'm not relevant to her anymore. Maybe I never was from the beginning. No matter what, I was glad to see her happy again surrounded by wonderful friends. Situation changed people and it's always for the best.

For the rest of 2012, we seldom talk except a few occasions where I surprised her with small gifts to show that I still regard her as friend. There's also once I took her out for Subway lunch after noticed her looking very stressful for days. It was the best lunch hours I had in months as it reminded me of the times we used to have. However, there was no mention of what caused us to drift apart. We sort of made up with the past, no intention of looking back to where we were and what changed us. That was as good as it gets.

Almost a year later in 2013, situation slightly changed between us. Occasionally we exchanged IM, SMS and FB comments. We had casual chats in the pantry. I even called her up to make sure she was not in danger when part of the Second Penang Bridge construction collapsed nearby office. She was surprised to receive my call and knowing how much I care about her. After so long, we finally went out for lunch, it was the last week before Christmas that year. We had a wonderful lunch at Habanero. It was only then I realized there would not be such outings anymore once she study abroad next year. What she had planned for that year has finally come true.

Earlier this year, things got even better between us. It was just like the times when we first became friends. When April comes, my heart starts racing, as it was her last month before leaving for Japan. I tend to find excuses to be around her. I treat every moment as if they were my last. Her birthday that month gave me a reason to find her a perfect farewell gift. An earring is what I had in mind as she recently pierced her left ear to remind the passing of her dad few months ago. Diamond suits her best as it is strong and unbreakable, just like her character getting through life especially in that situation. I gave her one of them and kept the other, to remind our friendship. My only regret was not having the chance to put it on her. I have been wearing mine since the day I presented her with the gift. Not sure if she will ever be wearing hers.

A week before her flight, we went out for the very last time. We had late breakfast at Kg Melayu Nasi Kandar, followed by a drive down town before headed to Queen Street. She wanted to buy Punjabi suit. Such a pleasure to take her around to find the best ones. Throughout the time I was accompanying her, I prayed for the search to never end. Whenever she puts on Punjabi suit, she reminds me of Bollywood Queen Kajol. Looking how excited she was trying all of them makes me feel like the King of Khan. Then we spent a few hours shopping in Prangin Mall before headed to New World Park for an early dinner. The place is unknown to her. I held her hand as we were walking around, just to make her feel safe as the surrounding was very dark and quiet. She held onto my grip and I only let go once we reached Mizi Bistro. After our 3-course meal, we went to Esplanade. While sitting at the promenade, it started to rain. We stayed in the car instead and talked for hours about everything that crossed our mind that night. It was the longest conversation we shared. Even when my mum called, I don't feel like going home at all. Our last stop was Liverpool Nasi Lemak where we had a drink before ended the night. It was the best 12 hours spent with her, the longest and the closest we have ever been.

In the following week, I constantly felt uneasy as it was only days before her flight. The day she wore her pink Punjabi suit makes me wish that she didn’t have to go. She looks gorgeous with all the accessories from head to toe. Her last day in the office was the worst I felt. She went around the office to bid farewell to everyone. I was worried if I will not get a chance to see her as she was upset with me the day before for stressing her out with remaining to do lists. I went to check her cubicle before lunch but she was not there. I waited until the last few hours in late afternoon to find her again. Seeing her still upset with me, I totally lost words at that moment. Tears starts filling my eyes when she persistently asked me to say something since I was so eager to see her. A few times, I had to turn away as I do not want to further upset her. Seeing me in that emotional state, she finally said something to cheer me up. Words were exchanged, she said all that need to be said and I agreed to every single one of them. In not so many words, I said sorry for everything I wronged for all those years. Whatever that messed our friendship 2 years ago is still unknown. I really wish things turned out differently. For the last time, we took a stroll along the corridor before she left with her friends for private farewell party that night.

My last day with her was at the airport as she wanted me to be there to send her off. As promised, I waited for her that morning. She arrived with her family and friends. I did not talk much as I wanted her to spend the last few hours with them. When it was time for her to wait at the departure hall, my heart beats fast. Seeing her shed tears with them made me feel like crying. I tried to be strong as it was finally time to let her go. I was the last one to bid farewell. We briefly hugged before she finally left. My last words to her still remain the same … sorry for everything. 

"Gomenasai" My Dear Friend ...

What I thought wasn't mine
In the light, wasn't one of a kind
A precious pearl
When I wanted to cry
I couldn't 'cause I wasn't allowed

Gomenasai for everything
Gomenasai, I know I let you down
Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend
Like I do now

What I thought wasn't all so innocent
Was a delicate doll of porcelain
When I wanted to call you and ask you for help
I stopped myself

Gomenasai for everything
Gomenasai, I know I let you down
Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend
Like I do now

What I thought was a dream, a mirage
Was as real as it seemed, a privilege
When I wanted to tell you, I made a mistake
I walked away

Gomenasai, for everything, Gomenasai, Gomenasai
Gomenasai, I never needed a friend, like I do now
Gomenasai, I let you down, Gomenasai, Gomenasai
Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend
Like I do now

S.H.E.L.Y

S - She’s a dear friend … one of a kind

H - Her smile makes my day … all the stress fades away

E - Everything about her is a wonder … there’s no one quite like her

L - Lively is what I feel whenever she’s with me

Y - Years from now I’ll see her again … being friends we shall remain

Beautiful Liar

Dear “Z.J.” aka R.I. aka I.Z. aka Luvly Butterfly or WHATEVER you call yourself these days …

It was all good when we first started to know through Friendster since Aug 2008. I thought you genuinely wanted to be my friend. Then you asked me to create Hi-5 account so that it would only be just us sharing stuff. After awhile you invited me in tagged and that was when I started seeing others flirting with you. After I confronted, you denied of anything serious as it was all just for fun. You removed me when I persistently asked why you kept responding to their flirts. At the same time, I also saw similar comments from others in FB but I decided to ignore them to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was being too protective like you said. Seeing you having few social accounts with different list of friends made me wonder if you were flirting with them at the same time.

Well I don't have to wonder anymore as I've uncovered your web of lies. After your occasional fling on tagged, I wanted to proof my instincts were right. So what did I do? I created a fake tagged account and added your friends, only the usual suspects. Since you removed me from tagged, I also created another fake account and added you to see all your responses to them. Your comments proved something but your photos with them told me everything I needed to know. As for facebook, I don’t need to create fake account as most of your friends account profile are public view. All I had to do was to browse through each one of them. Similarly, the comments and especially the photos not only speak a thousand words but they actually prove all my instincts were correct. I even saw a photo of you taken on the same day as your flight to Penang. In that photo you were wearing the same top with a mini-skirt which you changed to jeans when I picked you at the airport. It was also during that trip I noticed you had another handphone secretly kept in your handbag. I was amazed at how you could keep up with your lies. Such a HYPOCRITE!! Another FB mate of yours once left slightly “detail” comment about the two of you in her post. I was totally shocked because the post was just days after you said went visiting some relative in JB and the area has very weak reception. Poor reception MY ASS!! You did not visit any relative, you were with her. You purposely switched off your handphone to avoid any unexpected call from me. That was the final straw. I decided to confront your JB mate through facebook message. I asked about your relationship with her which she kept denied. She even asked about us which shows that she had no idea that we were together. You fooled both of us at the same time. I decided to keep it cool and pretended I knew nothing about your affair. I was hoping she would confront you so that I could end us right that moment. But that did not happen as she don't even care that you played her as well. I think both of you really suits each other!! So I let it be and kept playing your game secretly.

Now it’s been almost a month since your last sms. Initially I understand the silence as you needed time and space to settle down. Then I realized not only you were busy with your new job but you also started a new life with someone else. I should have suspected something wrong when I haven’t heard anything while you were "on holiday" in KL. I should have known your games. Your early April sms certainly made me a fool but I no longer wish to become one with all your lame excuses & lies. I seriously doubt your love for me was even real anymore. You’re not my Luvly Butterfly, “BEAUTIFUL LIAR” suits you better.

I forgave you when you had a fling with your tagged friends because you convinced me they were just harmless flirts. I even forgave you when you had a brief affair with JB-mate Iman because it was not serious and meant nothing. BULL-SHIT!! Your latest fling with Abi in KL left me totally speechless as I had no idea when it actually started. Once bitten, twice shy. Three times made me look like a BLOODY FOOLl!! I stayed on with you thinking that you would eventually changed. Never thought you’re such a heartless BITCH who would left me hanging after you secretly found someone better.

I can’t believe you treated me this way after I’ve trusted you with all my heart. Never once I betrayed you. I've stayed true to you all the while. Now, I've no intention whatsoever to keep any of the memories we had. I feel nothing for you, don't want to think of you and do not wish to hear from you. I don’t even care if I never ever see you again ... I simply don’t give a damn about you anymore!! We’re finally OVER.

All the gifts - clothes, shoes, handbags, jewelleries & not to forget the handphone that "accidentally" sms me when it was meant for someone else you also called “Sayang”. DAMN IT!! You can do whatever you want with those useless things. Stuff them in your ASS if they fit. Otherwise, just burn or crush them to pieces just like you did with my aching heart. You can take back your COLD-BLOODED heart. Don’t worry about the money you owed me, treat them as a final gift for your upcoming birthday. Such an expensive birthday gift to pay for someone who deserves nothing at all. You played with so many hearts & you won all of them. You may be a player in this game of love but one day you will eventually lose everything. And one last thing, go FUCK YOURSELF!!

Kris Dayanti says "I’m Sorry Goodbye" but I would rather say my own way - “I’m NOT SORRY at all … GOODBYE!”

How Do I Love Thee ...

I love the way you Look at me
Your eyes tell me a Beautiful Story
You are The Only One for me

I love the way you Smile at me
It makes me feel so Carefree
No more anxiety ... No Worry

I love the way you Talk to me
Soft, Sweet and ever so friendly
Your words are simply Lovely

I love the way you Care for me
With Tender Love that pleases me
Your Gracefulness is Extraordinary

I love the way you Touch me
Warm and Gentle … it’s so comfy
Your Affection deeply Moved me

I love the way you Love me
Full of Passion, Desire and Ecstasy
Your love truly Electrify me

I love the way you Hold my hand
Your Soft Hands gently clasp mine
The Two of Us becomes One

I love the way we Walk together
Hand in hand, Close to one another
So In Love, for Now And Forever

I love the way we Say Goodnight
Soft Kisses on the lips and a Gentle Bite
So Amazing, so good … so right

I love the way we Sleep at night
Embrace in each other’s arms so tight
Warm and Cozy Snug till the morning light

I Love Everything that you do to me
Simple little things make me happy
With You is where My Heart will always be

I'll Be Your Everything ...

I’ll Be Your Best Friend 

The one who holds your hand 

I’ll be true and never pretend 

I’ll Be Your Companion 

The one who truly concern 

I’m always there whenever you turn

I’ll Be Your Ears 

The one who washes away your tears 

I’ll fill your heart with joy and happiness 

I’ll Be Your Eyes 

The one who helps you get by

I’ll be someone you can always rely 

I’ll Be Your Shoulder 

The one who holds you so dear 

In my arms you feel no fear 

I’ll Be Your Bodyguard 

The one who looks after your heart 

I'll make sure no one tear it apart

I’ll Be Your Lover 

The one who satisfies your hunger 

We’ll be happy together forever 

I’ll Be Your Man 

The one who loves you till the end 

Beside you is where I stand 

I’ll Be Your Soulmate 

The one who’s willing to wait 

There’s never a moment too late 

I'll Be Your Valentine 

I’ll Be Yours … You’ll Be Mine 

We'll last till the end of time

Perfect Ending ...

"I yearn for Perfect Ending even though there never was A Beginning ..."

She's A Super Woman ...

She’s a Great Friend
Who always lends a hand
Helping others to understand

She’s a Gifted Colleague
Who reaches to those in needs
There’s more to life indeed

She’s a Wonderful Companion
With pleasant conversation
Her words are an inspiration

She’s a Caring Mother
With compassion for each other
Her love touches one another

She’s an Elegant Lady
With a charming personality
Her words are so lovely

She’s a Super Woman
Who makes everyone sees

Beyond one could possibly be

This is dedicated to a wonderful someone who is a “Super Woman” in her own way … Happy Birthday “Lara Dean”

7 Things About Me ...

 

7 Things I Dislike About Me 

1/ I tend to fall for someone I’m not supposed to 

2/ I hold on to someone for the wrong reason 

3/ I can’t let go off the past

4/ My instinct stinks 

5/ I’m resistant to changes 

6/ I never learn from my mistakes 

7/ I can forgive but hard to forget

7 Things I Love About Me 

1/ I don’t easily give up something that’s worth fighting for 

2/ When I care, I care deeply … when I love, I love truly 

3/ I love whoever loves me and ignore those who dislike me 

4/ I listen to myself more than what others think of me 

5/ I’ll find my way to survive anything 

6/ I avoid gossip, I avoid conflict … I avoid stress

7/ I don’t pretend … I stay true to myself & others . .

Miley Cyrus - 7 Things 

I probably shouldn't say this 

But at times I get so scared 

When I think about the previous

Relationship we've shared

It was awesome but we lost it 

It's no possible for me not to care 

Now we're standing in the rain 

But nothin's ever gonna change until you hear, my dear

The 7 things I hate about you

You're vain, you're games, you're insecure 

You love me, you like her 

You make me laugh, you make me cry 

I don't know which side to buy 

Your friends they're jerks 

And when you act like them, just know it hurts 

I wanna be with the one I know

And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do 

You make me love you

It's awkward and it's silent 

As I wait for you to say 

What I need to hear now 

Your sincere apology 

And when you mean it, I'll believe it 

If you text, I'll delete it 

Let's be clear I'm not coming back 

You're taking 7 steps here 

The 7 things I hate about you 

You're vain, you're games, you're insecure 

You love me, you like her 

You make me laugh, you make me cry 

I don't know which side to buy 

our friends they're jerks 

And when you act like them, just know it hurts 

I wanna be with the one I know 

And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do 

You make me love you

 

Compared to all the great things 

That would take too long to write 

I probably should mention The 7 that I like

 

The 7 things I like about you 

Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's 

And when we kiss, I'm hypnotized 

You make me laugh, you make me cry 

But I guess that's both I'll have to buy 

Your hand in mine 

When we're intertwined everything's alright 

I wanna be with the one I know 

And the 7th thing I like the most that you do 

You make me love you

With or Without You ...

“Love isn’t finding someone whom you can live with … it’s finding someone you can’t live without.”

I came across above phrase from the internet recently, not sure why it caught my attention instantly. Perhaps it has something to do with myself constantly thinking about my soul mate. Whenever someone comes along, I always grab any opportunity to explore if that’s the person I should be with. How to know if she's “The One”? How to tell if I fall for the wrong one? Will I eventually find my soul mate? When it comes to love, I’m just too blind to sense the truth.

About 4 months ago, my friend planned for a weekend getaway in KL for a shopping spree. It was also a chance for us to spend time as she’s always busy with kids at home. On the way back the next day, we talked about random stuff. One of the things she asked was how I deal with my “feelings” these days. She knows that I’m attracted to female because she’s one of them, the one I truly love the most since 1996. She was uneasy with my confession but still accept me as long as we’re just friends. I agreed although at times it was hard to control my feelings. Anyway, I told her about "Elle Dee" who knew things about me, how it all started and badly ended. She told me to forget about "Elle Dee" and move on, which I already did. After our random talk, we listened to my songs playlist while casually chat. After about an hour later, “Rossa - Aku Bukan Untukmu” started playing and I felt a bit emotional as it reminded me of what happened with "Elle Dee". When seeing tears on my cheeks, she told me not to think about the past and look for what's ahead. She also asked me to shut off the player but I still insisted to listen. I was okay shortly after, probably just need a silent cry to let it out. We stopped chatting and after a while she fell sleep.

Just after Jawi, there was a car tail-gating us and continuously flashing. I wanted to switch lane but the gap between the cars is too near. Instead, I speed up ahead. Since there was a stretch of cars along the left lane, it took a while before I could get in. The car at the back suddenly kept honking, forcing me to quickly move aside. It woke her up instantly and shocked to see what happened. She was angry although I told her it was the other car who was very impatient to get through. Suddenly for some reason, she told me to drop her at Juru RnR instead of sending back home. I asked her why but she kept quiet and refused to talk or even look at me. I kept saying the tail-gating incident was not my fault. I asked how will she get home and what will her husband say? Still no answer. Then I asked if it was because I got emotional over a song that reminded me of someone else when I should focus on her instead? Instantly, she got angry. I can’t tell if that was a stupid assumption or it was the actual reason. Seeing how angry she was, I kept quiet for the rest of the journey. As soon as we reached Juru RnR, I asked again if this is what she really wanted. She said don’t bother asking, then quickly grabbed all her luggage and left me standing alone. I kept looking her way hoping she will turn around but never did. When she was out of sight, I drove off. The rest of the night felt like the longest ride home. 

Few days later, I tried to call her hoping that she would calmed down by then. I couldn't get through at all. I was totally disappointed with what I did. I don't know why I kept messing things up between us. I Should Have Know Better ... should have stopped listening to those stupid love songs in the first place. If only I kept quiet and do what she said without asking too much, things would turned out differently. It was only earlier this year she got in touch with me after been silent for 7 years. Now our friendship is ruined, I messed up something beautiful that could’ve been. I remembered something my late Dad used to say, “When God takes away something from us, He will give something better in return”. Perhaps there will be another chance for us again in future. While waiting for that day to happen, I’ll keep on living …

“ With or Without You … I Shall Live ”

U2 - With or Without You

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side 

I wait for you

 

Sleight of hand and twist of fate 

On a bed of nails she makes me wait 

And I wait without you 

With or without you

 

Through the storm we reach the shore 

You give it all but I want more 

And I'm waiting for you

 

With or without you 

I can't live 

With or without you

 

And you give yourself away 

And you give

And you give yourself away 

My hands are tied 

My body bruised, she's got me with 

Nothing to win and 

Nothing left to lose 

And you give yourself away 

And you give 

And you give yourself away 

With or without you ... I can't live

Time to Say Goodbye ...

I hear the ticking of time passing by
Three painful months have gone by
No final words or last goodbye
Only memories to get me by

I feel sorrow and endless pain
Hurtful words linger in my head
There’s nothing left to be said
What I once felt is now dead

I see emptiness inside me
By myself as I chose to be
No more us … no more we
All I see is just plain me

I sense everything is now gone
It’s time for me to finally move on
No looking back or feeling regret
Certain things are meant to forget

“Time will Heal the Pain and I shall See Beautiful Days again.”

Bye Bye Baby Cactus

After Mama Cactus died earlier this year, a few of Baby Cactus siblings died 3 months ago. They died due to my own negligence. Mama died due to excessive water while the young ones died of dryness. Either way, love kills ... whether it's too much or too little.

 

Last week, the last baby that was left all alone finally died. I noticed that its body began to shrink a month ago. No matter how much I cared, it just won’t respond. It chose not to survive on its own. So I let it rest in peace. Fear not Baby Cactus, your close companion Shaun the Sheep (farewell gift from Shila) will never be alone. I’ve hooked him with a charming lad - Paul the Polar Bear. I promise you that they’ll be Friends for Life! I'm sorry Baby Cactus ...

Ayat Ayat Cinta

Apakah kau Ayat-Ayat Cinta … 

Mainan hati atau ungkapan sahaja 

Pernah sekali ku bermimpi tentangnya 

Bayangannya teramat luar biasa

Cantiknya kau Ayat-Ayat Cinta … 

Sesaat sahaja membutakan bicara 

Tiada kata setanding rupanya 

Tiada rupa seindah tutur katanya

 

Siapakah kau Ayat-Ayat Cinta … 

Cahaya matamu menyinari dada 

Bisikan suaramu memikat jiwa 

Kau umpama bidadari syurga

Wujudkah kau Ayat-Ayat Cinta …

Hingga kini tiada susulan ceritanya 

1001 persoalan bermain di kepala 

Bertanyakan misteri kata-katanya 

Dimanakah kau Ayat-Ayat Cinta … 

Di Selatan atau di Utara? 

Akan ku jejaki seluruh dunia 

Mencari kata-kata hatinya 

Bersedialah kau Ayat-Ayat Cinta … 

Pencarianku telah pun bermula 

Bakal tiba waktu kita bersama 

Hanya takdir yang menentukannya

Apa Kata Hati ...

Apa Kata Hati … 

Tahun 1996 menemukan kita pertama kali 

Naluri Lelaki membuatkan ku ingin dekati 

Ungkapan Dua Dunia tiada wujud di hati 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Lirikan matamu yang Paling Seksi

Gerak langkahmu seakan Elite G.I.G

Ooh La La! … kaulah idola lelaki 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Wajahmu berseri Bagaikan Puteri

Kaulah Teman Tapi Mesra lagi 

Inikah Cinta namanya di hati? 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Tempatmu selalu ku kunjungi 

Berulang kali setiap hari 

Tiada rasa jemu di hati 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Semakin lama kau ku kenali 

Semakin dekat rasa di hati 

Adakah kau yang ku cari? 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Tahun 1999 memisahkan kita pertama kali 

Tak Ku Duga kau ingin menyendiri 

Adakah salah ku sendiri? 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Tahun 2000 kau Pulang Kembali 

Mengubati Ruang Rindu di hati 

Tiada terkata riangnya hidup ini 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Tahun 2001 kau pergi buat kedua kali 

Asyik tertanya-tanya diriku ini 

Apakah aku yang bersalah lagi? 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Pinta doaku buat saban hari 

Tolong Jangan Pisahkan kami 

Kaulah Segalanya di hati 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Setelah 7 tahun kau menyepi 

11 Januari 2008 baru kau kembali 

Kaulah hadiah terbaik di hari jadi 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Setelah wajahmu dapat ku tatapi 

Suaramu membuaiku berulang kali 

Kaulah yang paling memahami 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Bertahun lamanya baru ku mengerti 

Takkan Ada Cinta di dalam hati 

Hanya sayang terpendam selama ini 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Baru 4 bulan kita mula meniti 

Kasih Tercipta ini terputus kembali 

Tamparan katamu mengguris hati 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Dewi bukannya ‘Dealova’ yang ku mimpi 

Percayalah … bukan Dia yang ku nanti 

Hanya Kau yang terpahat di hati 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Sekian lama ku selami 

Akhirnya baru ku sedari 

Semua ini salah diriku sendiri 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Andai Ku Tahu kesudahannya begini 

Takkan ku curah segala emosi 

Ku rela pendam semuanya di hati 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Hancur sudah hatimu dilukai 

Ternyata aku bukan baik hati 

Ku Mohon … Maafkan diriku ini 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Sebulan sudah tiada kau hubungi 

Teringin sungguh ku ulangi 

Kenangan Terindah di bulan Januari 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Kemana saja langkahku pergi 

Bayanganmu sentiasa di sisi 

Perpisahan ini amat pilu sekali 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Teringin sekali kau ku dakapi 

Wajahmu ingin ku tatapi 

Buat kali terakhir sekali 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Setiap detik … setiap hari 

Tiada rasa dapat menandingi 

Kekesalan yang tersemat di hati 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Belaian Jiwa menghantui diri 

Perit rasanya hidup sebegini 

Mampukah aku bertahan lagi? 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Ternyata Aku Bukan Untukmu lagi 

Bukan Diriku yang kau senangi 

Biarpun hanya sebagai teman sejati 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Berhenti Berharap diri ini 

My Heart akan ku bawa pergi 

Bersama Kekasih Gelapku sendiri 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Kini ku hanya Menghitung Hari 

Mana tahu … Mungkin Nanti 

Kesalahanku bakal kau maafi 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Semua Tentang Kita tiada bererti lagi 

Atas Nama Cinta ku melepaskan kau pergi 

Pergilah Sayang … ku merelakan semua ini 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Setelah 12 tahun lamanya kita harungi 

Terpaksa jua ku ucapi kata-kata ini 

Salam Terakhir buat kau yang disayangi 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Sebelum kakiku melangkah pergi 

Izinkan Ku pinta terakhir sekali 

Biarlah Rahsia epilog Cinta ini 

Apa Kata Hati … 

Tak Sanggup ku Terlalu Cinta lagi 

Hati Ini tiada terdaya lagi 

‘Vida’ kini tiada bernyawa lagi 

Apa Kata Hati … 

I’m Sorry Goodbye adalah realiti 

Takkan terjawab soalan di hati

… Bisakah aku bertemu ‘Destiny’?

< Apa Kata Hati Naz … >