The Time For Us

The first time we met 

It was a brief casual chat 

All she needed was just a teabag 

The first time we exchanged glance 

Almost left me in a trance

Intense was how it ends 

The first time she touched my arm 

There was no slight of alarm 

Must be her beautiful charm 

The first time she gave me a hug 

It wasn’t a real snug 

Just to show how she was bugged 

The first time we walked together 

We burst into laughter 

On the way to satisfy our hunger 

The first time she held onto my shoulder 

Her heels entangled with one another 

Should’ve offered my hands to hold her 

The first time we dine 

She looks so divine 

Her words blew out my mind 

The first time I looked into her eyes 

There was no disguise 

Only sparkles … no lies 

The first time we shared our past 

It wasn’t a blast or even aghast 

The feelings somehow didn’t last 

The first time I whispered into her ear 

It felt kind of queer 

Makes me want to disappear 

The first time I touched her hand 

She was stunned coz I never meant 

Just a reaction to situation unplanned 

The first time I gently pat her back 

I sensed that she was taken aback 

I should’ve just instead lay back 

The first time I touched her heart 

I ended up tore it apart 

A sense of regret that will never part 

The first time she touched my hand 

I could no longer pretend 

Just dying inside for the silence to end 

The first time we got back along 

It didn’t last that long 

The feeling was still strong 

The first time I touched her face 

She was full of grace 

Makes me want to embrace 

The last time I looked into her eyes 

My heart endlessly cries 

How could I break her trust 

The last time we got together 

I made another blunder 

Wonder if I have totally lost her

The last time we talked to each other 

Her reaction made it very clear 

We can never be together

The first time I tried to say goodbye

I couldn’t even look into her eyes 

My heart … just won’t tell lies 

The first time she said goodbye 

My eyes silently cry 

My heart slowly die ... 

The last moments we spent together 

Her final words linger in my ear

I still love her … miss her so dear

An Affair to Remember

I don’t remember exactly the first time I saw her but I do recall our first chat in 2003. It took place in the office pantry while I was making coffee. She was very disappointed that morning as there's no more teabag left. She can’t take coffee as she was pregnant with her 2nd child. There's nothing else left and she needed a drink to kick off the day. I felt sorry for her and offered my own teabag instead which I have extras. That was our first chat, it was very brief. Due to our busy schedule, we hardly bumped into each other again. Occasionally I saw her walked passed my cubicle on her way out for lunch. Then in early 2005, we got acquainted a little better when a close friend who happened to know her invited me to join them with few others for lunch. Since that day onwards, I always look forward for our friday lunch sessions. 
 

A few months later during lunch, she brought up an interesting topic about intimate relationship between two girls in an Indonesian movie, ‘Tentang Dia’. I don't know what made her wanted to discuss about such relationship. Out of curiosity, I bought the VCD to understand what the fuss is all about the movie. A few months after that, I told her about the VCD which made her wanted to borrow. Since she was extremely busy, it took her almost a month to finish as she could only watch privately in the office after work. Sometime in Oct 2005, we got to know our ‘little secrets’. I received email saying the movie reminded her of similar relationship with her best friend. Although she didn't share in detail, I was appalled for a moment with her confession. I didn't expect that coming from her. Since she was willing enough to open up, I replied that I had a similar thing with a girl too. We swore not to tell a soul about each other's secrets. We never did ... it was left as it is and we moved on like there’s nothing else to tell.

In end July 2006, we were the only ones available for lunch as the rest had other plans. I still remember that day. That was The First Time she looked extremely gorgeous wearing beautiful kebaya with high heels and carrying one of a kind wood-crafted handbag. If I had known she would dressed up elegantly, I would have put on my best pants and shirt. Luckily we were color-coordinated and looked compatible in a way. As we were walking towards the carpark, her heels got tangled in between the stone walkway. She held onto my shoulder for support as she was trying to fix them. As I waited for her, there were a group of ladies chilling on the grass lawn watching us. I should've offered my help instead of letting her handle by herself. Once done, we continued walking together as if nothing happened. During that moment I’ve never felt so proud to walk by her side leaving curious onlookers wondering about us. I took her to E-Gate Secret Recipe. That was the first time it was just the two of us and it was then we knew more of each other. When there was nothing left to say, she started talking about her past relationship with her best friend. Towards the end of our meal, I wanted to tell her about mine but don't know where to begin. With the place crowded and noisy with hungry patrons, it made even harder for me to think back what happened more than a decade ago. I could tell from her face that she looked disappointed when I didn't say much about my past, only bits and pieces.

When we came back from lunch, my mind started to wonder about my past. I felt compelled to tell her the whole story after she opened up to me. That weekend, I searched through my personal stuff from archived CDs. I was looking for something I wrote to someone when both of us were studying in UK. After re-format into pdf, I emailed her as I felt too ashamed to talk about it face to face. Since that day onwards, there were a series of email between us, exchanging thoughts of our loved ones. We never stop thinking of them even though we had moved on all these years. We even got to know that we shared the same song. Bryan Adam's Please Forgive Me is the song we dedicated to our loved ones. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we declared it simultaneously. I doubt so but if that were to happen, it would be totally ironic!

I was pleased to finally found someone whom I felt comfortable to open up about myself. It's like searching for someone similar to a soulmate. I felt so ease and certainly at peace. I never had that chance before as I was afraid of rejection once people knew my true self. The thought of knowing someone with similar past made me feel liberated in a way. We took precaution all the time - only communicated through email or office messenger and never discussed in the open. Even when we met along the corridor in the office, we never mention a single word about it. We sort of give each other a look that says, ‘No worries ... I do understand’.

One unexpected day, I found myself falling for her. I don’t know how it happened as we didn't show any signs of affection towards another. However, I do recall a few random ones when we were out with lunch mates. The first one was when all of us were walking in the carpark and she wanted to show how someone tried to hug her. That's when I was caught by surprise when she snugged me from behind. The other incident happened while we were walking in the mall when suddenly she  held my arm to stop me and showed something that caught her eyes. Another time was when she held my hand to get something from my shopping bag. I do recall the time I accidentally touched her hand. It happened when I was about to drive into in a parking space and at the same time, there was another car from behind trying to get into the same spot. She wanted to get out to stop the car but I held her hand to stop her instead. It wasn’t done on purpose, just a reflex reaction as I don’t want her to get into trouble. The closest we've been was when she asked me to touch up her face while getting ready for Commendation Awards Dinner. I was trembling inside being so close to her that night. Although those were just spur at the moment kind of thing, still they could trigger some sort of feelings inside. 

All those times when we shared our past, it never crossed my mind that there could be something between us. Although I love to look into her eyes every time we met, it doesn’t mean that I felt something for her. Nonetheless, I can't deny the fact that she has a certain charm that caught my eyes all the while. I truly admire her self-confidence, compassion and passion in everything she does. She put her heart and soul in pursuing whatever she believes. I was absolutely drawn towards her beautiful character. She inspired me to be a better me. That’s the reason I enjoyed more of her company each day.

I know that having some sort of affection for her is very inappropriate as she trusted me for being a good friend. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have shared her secrets with me. I told myself many times to put it aside but my heart just can’t deny what it feels inside. Last year on her birthday, I made a stupid mistake that totally ruined our beautiful friendship. I got too carried away in my creativity and made her a media slide "about us". She felt very uncomfortable and avoided me ever since. The worst part is that she preferred not to join friday lunch whenever I'm around. I felt so guilty for making her life miserable as I never meant any of that to happen. I tried to sort things out but the opportunity never came about.

Finally in Dec 2006, I emailed to her and confessed about everything. As expected, she was very furious. That time, I had totally crossed the line. We never spoke or saw each other again until my birthday celebration in Jan 2007. I was extremely happy as she finally broke her silence. We briefly acknowledged each other but the words spoken were not meant as they were before. I could never get myself to look into her eyes again as I felt too ashamed for what I did. I truly deserve that as it was my own foolish mistake.

 

Things were never the same again. We had less interaction and obviously we were not as close as we were before. Even when we tried to be friendly, a sense of discomfort made us feel more of a stranger to one another. It was hard to strike a conversation with her. My mind froze and my lips can't say a single word. The worst part was I even contemplated to say 'Hi' to her, thinking that she may not like it. I ended up with nothing to say at all. I felt useless, as if I've lost my ‘charm’. It happened too many times and at some point, I felt totally incompetent to be around her at all. Until today, I still wish that I could comfortably talk to her like I used to. That thought of mine ended up as wishful thinking instead. It was too late ... she's leaving soon.

A year had gone by but I still can’t figure out why it was so hard to let go ... my heart wasn't willing to live a lie. I've passed the cross-road and I chose the wrong path. Though I'm heading nowhere, I'm glad I took the chance of a lifetime. I may not reach my destination but I'm truly blessed for the best times I had throughout the journey. I shall continue this never-ending journey in a new path till I find my true destiny. 

I asked myself before, would I feel something for her even if she didn’t open up to me at all? The answer will still be 'Yes'. My affection towards her has little to do with our secrets, it was more of her personality. I was drawn towards her inner beauty, her beautiful soul captivated my heart. Although ‘This Masquerade’ has come to an end, there were a few stolen moments that I shall never forget - the times when I looked into her eyes. They were the most sincere moments we had. The heart may deny what’s buried deep down inside but the truth lies within the naked eyes. Undeniably, this is truly “An Affair to Remember”.

Lara,

I'm truly sorry for everything … Please Forgive Me

Truly,
JP

Ne Me Quitta Pas
Don't leave me
We must forget
All can be forgotten
That has already passed away
Forget the time
Of misunderstandings
And the time lost
Trying to know "how"
Forget those hours
That sometimes kill
With slaps of "why"
The heart of happiness
Don't leave me (4x)

I will give to you
Pearls made of rain
From countries
Where it never rains
I will work the land
All my life and beyond
To cover your body
With gold and with light
I will make a land
Where love will be king
Where love will be law
Where you will be queen
Don't leave me (4x)

Don't leave me
I will invent, for you
Fanciful words
That you'll understand
I will tell you
About those lovers
Who have twice seen
Their hearts set ablaze
I will tell you
The story of the king
Who died of not having
Ever met you
Don't leave me (4x)

We've often seen
Fire flowing again
From an ancient volcano
Considered too old
It's said that there are
Fire-scorched lands
That yield more wheat
Than the best April
And when evening comes
With a burning sky
The red and the black--
Are they not joined together?
Don't leave me (4x)

Don't leave me
I won't cry anymore
I won't talk anymore
I will hide over there
To watch you
Dance and smile
And to hear you
Sing and then laugh
Let me become
The shadow of your shadow
The shadow of your hand
The shadow of your dog
Don't leave me (4x)

Family, Friends & Femme Fatale

Recently a friend of mine, a free-lancer and a blogger published a photo of her work space at home. It looks so simple and very conducive to work. Her perfume gallery is neatly displayed on the wall rack above the work space. Only essential things are placed on the table with a few personal touch of photo display to lighten up the place. Compared to my work space in the office, it’s totally the opposite. I’ve got all sorts of stuff hanging around my cubicle. They’re mainly stuffed toys and souvenirs from family and friends. There are also a few cute ones I bought for display purpose. One might wonder whether I'm working for Toys 'R' Us :)

Among the stuff I bought, I love the brown magnetic bear the most. It has 5 magnets embedded in its body and you can stick it whichever way you want. I initially bought one for my friend to stick a thank you note for taking care of my baby cactus whenever I was away for training or holiday. Since it’s so cute, I bought one for myself too. My next favorite thing I bought is the Grey Tatty Bear. I had to go to a number of shops before I could find these adorable bears. Though they’re actually old stuff, I managed to scrub through their stock to get the best looking ones. I bought 3 and gave the other 2 to Baby and Darling. Tatty Bear reminds me of how close the 3 of us used to be and that’s the main reason behind it.

Next in the list is the collection of toy cars from Shell. The 5 red ones displayed in a row are the recent collection. There’re another 2 cars located under the monitor, a red Ferrari and a yellow Porsche which my Dad bought 13 years ago. They have a metal body and look more authentic than the red collection ones which are made of plastics. The ‘N’ crystal hanging around the koala bear are actually hand phone keychain made of Swarovski crystal. I bought ‘N’ for myself, ‘A’ for Mum, ‘Z’ for my aunt, ‘S’ for Baby and another ‘S’ for "Elle Dee". Mum and "Elle Dee" attached to their phones while my aunt hanged to her handbag. I also bought an extra ‘S’ to hang under my car rear view mirror, next to the customized metal pendant with my name. Until today, I still can’t figure out why I hang it next to my name, the significance is still unknown.

The red ribbon was given to me during AIDS memorial event in 2005. It was the first social event I was invited which was truly an eye-opener to me. The blue star was taken from my birthday gift bag earlier this year. The cute Mr. Bean bear and the skeleton figure in the red socks are part of the stuff I bought last year Christmas. The cream-colored bear wearing ‘tutu’ is a gift from Hanie in 2006. The red & yellow deflated rubber with glitters used to be a ‘stress ball’ I bought from Motorola Young Enterprise sale a few months ago. It was filled with flour and somehow got too ‘stressed’ out a few weeks ago. I didn’t squeeze it a lot as I find that it looks better as a décor instead. The glitter pattern is very unique and abstract - caught my eyes the moment I saw it!

The cactus is a gift from my ex-boss from her trip to Cameron Highlands 2 years ago. The red plastic bottle is to squirt water on the cactus every morning. My cactus has a few baby growing all over it’s body and it looks like the shape of a cute teddy bear with its butt stuck into the pot and giving ‘the finger’!! :)

The wooden Totem-Pole figure is a gift from 7 Habits training and it is called a talking stick in one of the activities. The rest of the stuffed toys are gifts from family. The glass frame with Siti Nurhaliza photo beside the cactus used to be Ambi Pur air-freshener. To spice up the place, I hung a few ‘femme fatale’ photos taken from cosmetics, jewelry and lingerie brochure. As a final touch, there’s a photo display of my mum and aunt with the poem I made especially for mother’s day. I place it up above all so that my eyes will look at it every time I lean back on my chair for short breaks.

My work space may be cluttered in certain places but it does create a good ambience. I have all the necessities surrounding me for great inspiration - a personal touch of Family, Friends and Femme Fatale.

Getting Past M11

A few days ago there was a review with Senior Director from US. Although presentation on all program status only involved Program Leads, the rest of the Program Managers were required to participate in the session. When things got a little heavy, my mind started to wander elsewhere for awhile. I was using M-Gate as an analogy to relationship. M-Gate is a Corporate Tool that Program Managers use to manage program deliverables based on committed date. Main purpose is to track key deliverables per program checklists for every phase - M15 (Project Initiation), M11 (Commitment), M7 (Commitment Reaffirmed), M3 (Product Ship Acceptance), M2 (Regional Ship Acceptance) & M0 (End of Life). After the review session, I started to think about the similarity between project phases and relationship.

Based on my understanding, I would say that M15 is the initial phase of a relationship (Casual Dates), M11 is where we commit to build a stronger relationship (Couple), M7 is where we reaffirm our commitment to each other (Engagement), M3 is the big day (Wedding), M2 is possibly starting a family (Kids) and M0 can either be eternal love (Till Death do us part) or separate ways (Divorce). Having defined those phases, I would say that all my relationships never reach M11 as some of the M-Gate checklists (relationship basis) were not met. When this happened, the Program Manager (myself) is likely to be blamed for not managing the program well.

That is true in most cases but sometimes it’s not. An example is the Project Scope (type of relationship) wasn’t clearly defined during Project Initiation stage (casual outings). All my programs (relationships) never reach M11 (Commitment), there's always a Change in Scope (new expectation or change of heart) which eventually delays program delivery. One is allowed to change their mind but if it happened too frequently, there's something wrong in the way the Program (relationship) is being managed.

Based on the lessons learnt in my past relationships, the main factor that contribute to the failure to reach M11 and beyond is Communication. We're not aligned with each other. Being open is crucial in any relationship and that is something that we failed to comply. I always assumed she wants something without fully understand her needs and misinterpreted her reactions. I realized that not all of them came to me for some sort of comfort. Some basically need attention or affection for that particular moment to get over a certain phase. Once the phase is over, I’m no longer needed and that important message wasn’t clearly relayed to me. Another weakness I noticed is that I tend to go overboard, thinking that I should be giving more of everything and that’s where misunderstanding occurs. I need to further enhance my skills on Assumptions.

The only way to get past M11 is to listen effectively and act accordingly. Being open about everything would definitely help me to make better assumptions and manage the risks appropriately. If I can’t proceed M11 in my 'current' relationship, I’m not sure if I'm capable of managing a 'new' one.

I’m willing to go to the next phase if we’re ready to open up to each other. All we need is commitment ... I'll be ready if you are. There's no doubt that it is a big risk but with careful planning, we could manage our program efficiently, perhaps ultimately towards Flawless Launch.

XOXO