I Said ... She Said

I said “Hey there … how was your day?” 

She said “Please go away” 

I said “What’s wrong?” 

She said “Nothing. Just move along” 

I said “Come on, what’s on your mind?” 

She said “I just need time to unwind” 

I said “Is there anything I can do?” 

She said “It’s ok … no thank you!” 

I said “I’m there if you need me” 

She said “Yeah right, we’ll see!!” 

I said “Hey … I really mean what I said” 

She said “Sorry. It’s just things not looking good ahead” 

I said “No matter what I’m with you” 

She said “I wish no one knew” 

I said “We do make mistake” 

She said “It’s something that I can’t forsake” 

I said “I wish I could help in some way” 

She said “All I could do now is pray” 

I said “It probably need more time”

She said “I hope it won’t take a lifetime”

I said “Don’t worry … things will be okay” 

She said “Thank you so much for making my day” 

I said “Take care …” 

She said “Thanks for being there”

Pet Sister

While browsing internet recently, I found a photo of someone who resembles a friend from boarding school. Initially, I wasn’t sure but after careful observation, there's a possibility it might be her. The eyes, lips and smile looks very similar, the only difference is hair color. I'm very convinced that it was her. I was searching for her contact info but there's none. The photo could have been some random upload by her friends.

She’s a year younger than me, knew her when she started Form 4 in boarding school. Her name is similar to mine but people called her "Ira". Her sweet and innocent looks attracted many guys in school. She was assigned under my care in Girl Guides, so it was my responsibility to ensure no one takes advantage of her.

After a few bonding sessions, she asked me to be her Pet Sister as she felt being close to a senior would discourage unwanted visits from the guys. Even if she didn’t mention anything about it, I would still offer her to be mine. We normally spent an hour hanging around the school in the evenings before prep session at night. That went on for only a few months until a hysteria incident in 1989. 

That night was windy with a slight drizzle and occasionally accompanied by thunder. All of us were confined inside the hostel. No one was allowed to go back home, except those badly affected by hysteria. Everyone was afraid to leave their room. All I could think at that moment was her. She always needed comfort, especially in times like this. I tried to make an escape to her room but was caught by the warden and told to return immediately. I could only imagine how terrified she would be at that moment. Just when I almost reached my room, there was a continuous scream. I could hardly tell where it came from. Out of curiosity, everyone rushed outside. Moments later, someone came to me and said it was Ira. I rushed to her room instantly and helped others to calm her down. She kept on screaming uncontrollably. I got kicked on the stomach when I tried to hold her down. For someone small, even 5 people aren't enough to hold her. We immediately took her home in a school van. Although my stomach was in pain, I still held her tightly until we reached her house which took about half hour drive. The moment we entered her room upstairs, there was a sudden blackout. The weird thing is the blackout only happened in her room. The rest of the house was still bright. After about 10 seconds, the light came back and she stopped screaming. She instantly looked calmed that moment. No one knows what happened during that 10 seconds blackout and it was the spookiest night in my entire life!

She was a different person when she returned to the hostel two weeks later. She avoided talking to people, including her close friends. Even after a month, I still can’t get close to her. I decided to let her be herself and gave her more time to recover. Only after a few months, she was okay to see me. We had brief chat occasionally and that was it. I don’t want to go beyond that as she might push me away for the second time. Although I was no longer her Pet Sister, I was able to foster a similar relationship. Before I left school after completed Form 5, I gave her a silver custom-made pendant with the name “NazSha”. It signifies our special bond … something we had that she might recall someday. Unfortunately, she never did. What changed her after the hysteria remains a mystery until today.

What’s with the Piercing?

During lunch time yesterday, a close friend asked about my ear piercings. If I remembered precisely, that’s not the first time she asked. I gave her the same answer as before. I said they’re just for fun when in actual fact, they’re not. The truth is, they reminded me of someone I love years ago. Wish I could easily share with anyone but I can’t. Baby is the only one who knew when I told her about my past 2 years ago. 

I had my second piercing after my first break up with Eila in 1998 after caught her sneaking out with a guy when we were together. Although we made up after that, it lasted only 6 months when she suddenly went away. She quit her job and left without a word. I searched for her everywhere but no one knows her whereabout. Her family refused to tell the truth, her best friend avoided me and her office mates said they knew nothing about her being away. I was frustrated as there's no one left to ask. Someone must have known something but refused to tell the truth. After months of search, I decided to stop as it led me nowhere. It was then I had the third piercing to remind me of the incident. I never regret having it although she came back a year later. When she left again in 2001, I totally lost faith in love. My heart just can't take it and I had to let her go. Don't want to pierce anymore when she left for the third time. Deep down inside, I still believe she will come back again someday. I still do ...

If it doesn’t hurt, then it’s definitely not love. That's the reason why. It hurts me so bad that I hurt myself even more to get over it. I don't do it for just anyone. Even when I was on a ‘break’ with Baby in April 2006, I didn’t do anything to hurt myself. Baby is just someone I was looking to replace Eila but turned out that no one can take her place in my heart. She's irreplaceable. Love hurts but life hurts more when you’re not with that special someone. For the ultimate act of love, I would ‘Tattoo’ her name in my heart ... which I already did.

“Just like a Tattoo … I’ll always have you Eila”

XOXO