The first time I saw her in the office was end 2010. She was talking to my friend who was also her colleague working on the same program. Whenever I walked passed my friend’s place, they were always engaged in work discussion. One day I gently interrupted them to confirm lunch plan with my friend. That was when we were introduced. I briefly acknowledged her and left them to continue with their discussion. Since that day onwards, I often walked by my friend’s place just to lookout for her. I was lucky as most of the time she was there. We exchanged glances a few times but never say a word. She looked serious most of the time, probably due to on-going work issues. I don't know why but I just wanted to get to know her. When I came across her profile in facebook, I sent her a request hoping that it might get us better acquainted. I was wrong, she did not respond.
Weeks after that, I saw her talking to another colleague during lunch. As I passed by, I jokingly said she was taking too long to accept my FB request. She was not amused, she had a serious look on her face instead. I tried to engage in their conversation but they looked not interested at all. So I left them, feeling like a total idiot. From that day onwards, I stopped looking for her since she was not keen to be my friend. Unexpectedly in Jan 2011, she finally accepted my FB request. Since then, I knew little bit about her.
Months later, I asked her to join friday lunch with my mates. Most of the time she felt shy and a bit awkward as she's a lot younger than the rest of us. Every now and then, I tried to engage her in the group conversation to make her feel more comfortable and welcomed. After a few sessions, she was delighted to join us as we always have "interesting" topics for discussion, in other words hot gossips to share. Seeing her adapting well with them makes me glad as I get to spend my lunch time with her as well.
Apart from the lunch, we also went out a few times for movies in the weekend. There was once we continued with dinner and desserts after movie as we don't feel like going home yet. We both agreed to try something new. She had her 1st Subway meal while I had my 1st taste of Tutti Frutti. We stayed until late night and talked about random things, from work to friends, family and even personal. She made me feel like a good companion to talk about anything, including things that does not makes sense. That was the first time I felt so alive ever since I ended my relationship with Beautiful Liar. Basically, that is all I need, a good friend having a great time together.
In the last few months of 2011, we seldom go out as she was busy with her wedding preparation due in Feb 2012. I was invited and really wanted to go but felt awkward to attend alone. So I passed the wedding gift to her colleague instead. After she came back to work, I apologized to her for not attending her special day. I was worried she might not forgive me but was relieved that she totally understand my situation. After all, she was extremely happy being married as everything turned out the way she had planned although she was not feeling well that day.
A month after the wedding, I took her for lunch as it has been months since we last went out. While having lunch at Nando’s, she received a call from her colleague who was queuing outside with our mutual friend whom she's doesn't like very much. They saw us having lunch while waiting for a table and wanted to know if they could join us instead. She was tempted not to let them but agreed after I said it would looked selfish of us. Throughout the rest of lunch, we did not talk much as we don't feel comfortable sharing conversation with them. We quickly finished our meal and excused ourselves. The moment we left the table, she looked so relief. She was thinking of telling them off for interrupting us. I purposely made funny remarks about them just to calm her down. She eventually did and we both had a big laugh over the whole silly thing. As we walked outside the restaurant, she held my hand. At that moment, I felt a warm feeling inside. However, her grip did not last that long and I pretended not to notice. It certainly feels wonderful having someone to hold my hand, even just for a while. Perhaps it was her way of thanking me for having such a great time.
In April 2012, things suddenly changed. Our occasional IM and SMS have stopped. For some reason she preferred not to spend time with me. She did not directly imply but I could sensed through her choice of words and attitude. Several times, I tried to approach her but she avoided talking to me. I was clueless on what happened. Maybe it was a stressful time to settle her work issues, or perhaps her husband does not like me spending time with her anymore. Whatever the reason was, I decided to stay away from her. I even took longer route to get around the office, just for her sake. At times, it was very hard to be invisible to her no matter how much I tried. If that’s what she wants then that’s exactly what I had to do.
A month after that, she was transferred to another group working on a new program. Her cubicle is much further away. Still, there were times I accidentally bumped into her on the way to the pantry. We briefly nod without saying a word. We were like two colleagues in the same office who barely know each other. Many times, I wanted to ask what I did so wrong that made her kept a distance from me. I never had the chance, as she would walked in between cubicles whenever she saw me heading her way from far. It really hurt me deep inside not knowing what made her despise me that much.
I decided to let things as they were and hope someday we will be just like before. Unfortunately, it did not happen. Instead, she found new friends with common interests. They clicked instantly and became closer than I ever was with her. At that moment, it made me realized that I'm not relevant to her anymore. Maybe I never was from the beginning. No matter what, I was glad to see her happy again surrounded by wonderful friends. Situation changed people and it's always for the best.
For the rest of 2012, we seldom talk except a few occasions where I surprised her with small gifts to show that I still regard her as friend. There's also once I took her out for Subway lunch after noticed her looking very stressful for days. It was the best lunch hours I had in months as it reminded me of the times we used to have. However, there was no mention of what caused us to drift apart. We sort of made up with the past, no intention of looking back to where we were and what changed us. That was as good as it gets.
Almost a year later in 2013, situation slightly changed between us. Occasionally we exchanged IM, SMS and FB comments. We had casual chats in the pantry. I even called her up to make sure she was not in danger when part of the Second Penang Bridge construction collapsed nearby office. She was surprised to receive my call and knowing how much I care about her. After so long, we finally went out for lunch, it was the last week before Christmas that year. We had a wonderful lunch at Habanero. It was only then I realized there would not be such outings anymore once she study abroad next year. What she had planned for that year has finally come true.
Earlier this year, things got even better between us. It was just like the times when we first became friends. When April comes, my heart starts racing, as it was her last month before leaving for Japan. I tend to find excuses to be around her. I treat every moment as if they were my last. Her birthday that month gave me a reason to find her a perfect farewell gift. An earring is what I had in mind as she recently pierced her left ear to remind the passing of her dad few months ago. Diamond suits her best as it is strong and unbreakable, just like her character getting through life especially in that situation. I gave her one of them and kept the other, to remind our friendship. My only regret was not having the chance to put it on her. I have been wearing mine since the day I presented her with the gift. Not sure if she will ever be wearing hers.
A week before her flight, we went out for the very last time. We had late breakfast at Kg Melayu Nasi Kandar, followed by a drive down town before headed to Queen Street. She wanted to buy Punjabi suit. Such a pleasure to take her around to find the best ones. Throughout the time I was accompanying her, I prayed for the search to never end. Whenever she puts on Punjabi suit, she reminds me of Bollywood Queen Kajol. Looking how excited she was trying all of them makes me feel like the King of Khan. Then we spent a few hours shopping in Prangin Mall before headed to New World Park for an early dinner. The place is unknown to her. I held her hand as we were walking around, just to make her feel safe as the surrounding was very dark and quiet. She held onto my grip and I only let go once we reached Mizi Bistro. After our 3-course meal, we went to Esplanade. While sitting at the promenade, it started to rain. We stayed in the car instead and talked for hours about everything that crossed our mind that night. It was the longest conversation we shared. Even when my mum called, I don't feel like going home at all. Our last stop was Liverpool Nasi Lemak where we had a drink before ended the night. It was the best 12 hours spent with her, the longest and the closest we have ever been.
In the following week, I constantly felt uneasy as it was only days before her flight. The day she wore her pink Punjabi suit makes me wish that she didn’t have to go. She looks gorgeous with all the accessories from head to toe. Her last day in the office was the worst I felt. She went around the office to bid farewell to everyone. I was worried if I will not get a chance to see her as she was upset with me the day before for stressing her out with remaining to do lists. I went to check her cubicle before lunch but she was not there. I waited until the last few hours in late afternoon to find her again. Seeing her still upset with me, I totally lost words at that moment. Tears starts filling my eyes when she persistently asked me to say something since I was so eager to see her. A few times, I had to turn away as I do not want to further upset her. Seeing me in that emotional state, she finally said something to cheer me up. Words were exchanged, she said all that need to be said and I agreed to every single one of them. In not so many words, I said sorry for everything I wronged for all those years. Whatever that messed our friendship 2 years ago is still unknown. I really wish things turned out differently. For the last time, we took a stroll along the corridor before she left with her friends for private farewell party that night.
My last day with her was at the airport as she wanted me to be there to send her off. As promised, I waited for her that morning. She arrived with her family and friends. I did not talk much as I wanted her to spend the last few hours with them. When it was time for her to wait at the departure hall, my heart beats fast. Seeing her shed tears with them made me feel like crying. I tried to be strong as it was finally time to let her go. I was the last one to bid farewell. We briefly hugged before she finally left. My last words to her still remain the same … sorry for everything.
What I thought wasn't mine
In the light, wasn't one of a kind
A precious pearl
When I wanted to cry
I couldn't 'cause I wasn't allowed
Gomenasai for everything
Gomenasai, I know I let you down
Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend
Like I do now
What I thought wasn't all so innocent
Was a delicate doll of porcelain
When I wanted to call you and ask you for help
I stopped myself
Gomenasai for everything
Gomenasai, I know I let you down
Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend
Like I do now
What I thought was a dream, a mirage
Was as real as it seemed, a privilege
When I wanted to tell you, I made a mistake
I walked away
Gomenasai, for everything, Gomenasai, Gomenasai
Gomenasai, I never needed a friend, like I do now
Gomenasai, I let you down, Gomenasai, Gomenasai
Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend
Like I do now
