My Baby & Me

I met Baby in Jan 2004 when started my role as MOL Team Lead. One of the responsibilities is to ensure my subordinates submitted Time Sheet to track total hours spent on assigned tasks. Since the tool is very new to me I needed hands-on guide and that’s how I met Baby. She was an admin assigned to assist some of the Corporate Tools used in Program Management Office. She would gladly come over to my place whenever I have issues with Time Sheet. She’s very patience and showed every single step to ensure that I fully understand. Sometimes she would leave a sticky note at my place if I’m not around for the hands-on session. Since then we frequently have casual chat and email each other beautiful thoughts and funny stuff. Though we were not fully acquainted, there’s something about her attracted my attention - the way she talk, her caring words and her sweet smile always brightens up my day. It was just months after that she started to call me ‘Baby’ and I did the same too. Not sure why we did that, maybe it was just for fun.

We got closer a year later when I joined Program Management Office in Feb 2005. I spent a lot of time with her to understand various tools to use in daily tasks to manage programs. Since she was such a great help, I offered to treat her lunch in return for her kindness. Being modest, she always declined and said it was just part of her job. I bought her chocolates instead since she loves them so much. That was when I started to shower her with small gifts, from chocolates to cute stuffed toys to show how much I appreciate her although she never ask for any of it. I just love to see her smile and make her happy. At times, I would return her favor by sharing information she needed in her daily tasks. Sometimes when tired or too bored in the office, we would play around each other’s words and flirt through either YM or office messenger. We just love to tease each other in a fun way. The more I got to know her, the more I like being with her. Her soft spoken words and cheery mood always put my troubles away.

Sometimes people wondered why we like to spent time together. It's either she came to my cubicle or I went to hers. We would always have something to talk about no matter how busy we were, sort of reminding each other’s daily tasks. I don’t actually care what people think, as long as I completed my work and had a chance to spend time with my baby then that’s all that matters. She can always depend on me anytime and vice versa. She even backed me up when someone tried to belittle me. We always have each other’s back and never let each other down. Whenever we go for trainings or team-building activities we would always stay close. Sometimes even though we sat next to one another, we still message each other just for fun. The first time I bought her a real gift was for her birthday in 2005. I got her an Elle Watch and made a personalized card with poem based on her initials. I also made a CD songs compilation from her initials. She was very touched and extremely happy with all the things I did to make her feel extra special on her birthday.

Months after that, I stayed back frequently to accompany her till late evenings. That was when we were more open to share personal stuff. One night I told her about my past. Although she was shocked at first to know about my dark secrets, she still accept me just as I am. She doesn't judge me. Instead, she treated me as her close companion. Sometime in Dec 2005, she had to work extra hours till 9pm. I felt sorry for her having to work alone every night. Hence, I stayed back with her so that she will not feel all alone. That was when we started to spend more time at night. I would be doing my work and occasionally checked on her if she needed anything. We always parked our cars near to one another every morning so that when we walked back late at night into the empty carpark we would not be alone. The carpark lighting was still okay but the street lighting outside was very bad. In fear of her safety, I would wait for her car to go out first and followed closely from behind. Towards the end of Dec I had to clear my leave. Since I couldn’t let her stay back alone, I accompanied her at night via YM. Whenever she felt like having someone to chat or needed help, I'll Be There to assist her. I even send her songs to keep her company. I was her DJ-Nazty. At times, I reminded her to eat as she tend to get carried away when too caught up with work. When it was time to go home, I told her to get someone to accompany her to the carpark. I always care for her safety.

When I came back to the office early next year, she was on medical leave. She had gastric after frequently skipped dinner when stayed back alone. That wouldn’t have happened if I was there to take care of her. She felt pain at times and lost her appetite. Seeing how tired she looked, I offered to take her to work and send her back home until she’s fully recovered. Soon after that she doesn't have to stay back at night anymore. Even so, we still go back together after work in the evenings like we used to. We would agreed on a specific time and walked down together before went separate ways at the carpark. We enjoyed every single moment together. That year was the first time I bought her a Valentine Gift which was an Estee Lauder Chance Perfume. Just like her birthday last year, I also made a personalized card with special poem together with selected songs in CD to show how much she meant to me. As always, she was extremely happy with such special gift.

In early Mar 2006, we stopped going back together as she had plans with other colleagues after work. At first, I didn’t suspect anything as I thought she wanted to spend more time with them instead. Then I realized that she also stopped coming to my place for our casual chat. Initially I thought it was due to her busy schedule but I was wrong. She even looked away whenever walked passed me. I asked if there's something I did to upset her. She said there’s nothing wrong, just wanted to be more independent instead of relying too much on me. I was disappointed when she asked me not to accompany her anymore in the evenings. I was surprised as I’ve never seen her that way before. So I kept my distance and gave her space.

It was only days later I saw her walking home with a Guy from the Engineering team. That’s when I knew the reason why she wanted to be left alone. If only she told me the truth, I would definitely understand and never felt that dejected. Since that day, I avoided her and stopped looking at her place like I used to. I was mainly angry with myself for not being able to put my personal feelings aside whenever I got close with someone. All those times when we’re together, she made me felt special as if I’ve found someone who love just to hang around with me. Now that she finally found her someone, I was Invisible to her. The whole thing reminded me of similar incident many years ago. It happened twice before and now it’s like seeing the history repeats itself over and over again. Once bitten, twice shy … three times showed that I’m just plain stupid when it comes to relationship. I’ve never learn my lesson. I should never start anything from the beginning even when she called me “Baby” for the very first time. I shouldn't have been too close to her. Now I can’t even get her out of my head. Those harmless flirts between us has turned into nasty hurt.

No matter how much I tried to hide, I can’t live with a lie lingering inside. I'm So Sick of going through another round of emotional ride. I just had to let her know. It was on the night of Mar 9, 2006 I sent sms to confess that I have feelings for her. Maybe it's not love, perhaps some sort of affection for her. As expected, she didn’t respond. I must’ve freaked her out with my confession. Despite feeling a bit petrified, I was ready to face whatever awaits me the following day. An unexpected incident took place the next evening when leaving office. I took a different route out of the office to avoid bumping into her. Somehow she caught a glimpse of me before we reached the security post. She was ahead of me, about 20m apart. From time to time, she looked at me while approaching the exit. I can’t really tell from the look on her face. I felt uneasy as she never kept looking at me that way before. When I passed by her as she waited outside, she looked as if she wanted to say something but the words won’t come out. I’m not sure what exactly she wanted to say but her eyes looked very sad. Seeing her that way makes me feel like I never want to Let Her Go. I would never forget the look on her face when I left her that day ... it stayed fresh in my mind until today. It doesn’t take that long before we finally broke our silence. Hours later at night we briefly sms each other to apologize for what happened. Next day I told her that it was all my fault as I misled myself from beginning into thinking that we had something. It was all down to me, I Want It That Way and she did nothing wrong. All she ever did was being a good friend whenever I needed her. I guess we can’t stay mad at each other for too long as it’s just too painful for both of us. We rather get along and move on from there. What I wanted her to Really Know is that she will always be My Baby for as long as she needed me. I bought us a pair of Tatty Bear to remind that incident. No matter what happened between us, our friendship will forever remain strong.

What amazes me the most about My Baby is that she treated me the same as others although she knows that I’m gay. In fact, it was her kind words that got us back together as friends. In a way, my confession has taken us to the next level of trust. We tend to be more open and understand of each other. That’s the reason why I can’t keep my distance from her. She's my companion, the one who truly understand me and I trust her with all my heart. Perhaps that’s why I still can’t resist showering her with gifts from time to time. It’s true, there’s something about My Baby that always drives me crazy and it will remain a mystery. This is not like any other Love Story ... this is the Story of My Baby and Me.

We = MyBaby + Me