Emancipation of Me ...

Jacques Pierre Theory

E = M - (M'E')

Where:

E = Emancipation

M = Me

M' = MyBaby

E' = 'Elle Dee' (Lara Dean)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear 'Elle Dee' ... 

I’m sorry if I ever Say Something to indicate that I Still Believe We Belong Together. My, All I’ve Ever Wanted was to Be There … Anytime You Need A Friend. 

For The Record, I wished for an ‘us’ but I gave up after you left to give MyBaby a chance. 

Bye Bye … I Wish You Well.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear MyBaby ...

You used to Touch My heart with your Emotions Whenever You Call … I was your Hero for those special moments. You made me believed We Belong Together but it seemed that You Don’t Remember when I said Don’t Forget About Us. I once told myself that you will Always Be My Baby but it turned out to be a Fantasy. 

Do You Know Where we’re going to? I certainly don’t have a clue. Without You, Everything Fades Away and I’ve to give you up even if I still Can’t Let Go. I Don’t Wanna Cry … I just want to Make It Through The Rain and cease the pain. 

Hasta La Vista MyBaby … Last Kiss 4U. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Me,

Love Takes Time … It’s Like That. You’ll be together with your Dream Lover One Sweet Day. She may be a Heartbreaker years ago but she’s all you ever have that makes you want to Stay In Love. She’s that special someone whom you would love to call Sweetheart or just plain Honey … 

Do what it takes to realize this Vision of Love into a Love Story Someday. You can Make It Happen When You Believe in yourself. Never Forget You are your own Hero …

C’est La Vie

Alone ...

I just can’t stop bleeding for the last few months. Couple of my close friends keep leaving. They come and go just like a flowing river … no one stays for good. I don’t mind the distance but I do mind the silence after separation, eventually they'll fade away. I have to keep myself busy to disregard the misery within. All I want to do is to stop bleeding and start living. 

The truth is they weren’t meant for me from beginning. I was lying to myself. I wanted so much to be with whoever I thought would be ‘the one’, but none of them ever was. I even convinced myself that I’m capable to love them and be loved in return. But love was never there, it was more of a lie instead. I made myself believed they needed me when I’m the one who needed them the most. 

I’m not sure if I’ll find that someone in this life. Maybe I’m not capable to go through any kind of relationship. That’s why I’m not blessed with one yet. But I’m not willing to go through life alone. I really want someone to be there for me, someone who wants me as much as I want her. There’s no right or wrong, just as long as we can get along. What matters most is we both compliment each other. I pray someday ‘The One’ will come and lead me the way.

Dear Love, 

Come to me … Hold me close.

Take my hand … Never let me go. 

XOXO 

Celine Dion - Alone

I hear the ticking of the clock

I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark 

I wonder where you are tonight 

No answer on the telephone 

And the night goes by so very slow 

Oh I hope that it won't end though 

Alone 

Till now I always got by on my own 

I never really cared until I met you 

And now it chills me to the bone 

How do I get you alone 

You don't know how long i have wanted 

To touch your lips and hold you tight 

You don't know how long I have waited 

And I was going to tell you tonight 

But the secret is still my own 

And my love for you is still unknown 

Alone 

Till now I always got by on my own 

I never really cared until I met you 

And now it chills me to the bone 

How do I get you alone

Alone

MyBaby n Me ...

The first time I saw MyBaby 

MyBaby looks so pretty 

I can’t resist looking at MyBaby

Each time I glance at MyBaby

Her sweet smile greets Me 

MyBaby never fail to amaze Me 

Whenever I talk to MyBaby

Her kind words comfort Me 

With MyBaby is where I want to be 

Wherever I go with MyBaby

Everyone looks queerly at Me 

They wonder why MyBaby likes Me 

Spending time with MyBaby

Makes Me extremely happy 

My days no longer feel empty 

There’s nothing about MyBaby 

That makes Me feel uneasy 

Everything about MyBaby pleases Me 

Anytime MyBaby needs Me 

I’m there to care for MyBaby

I can’t see MyBaby in agony 

Sometimes I buy gift for MyBaby

To show how much MyBaby means to Me 

I just can’t stop loving MyBaby

At times MyBaby is mad at Me 

For taking things too seriously 

It’s only moments before MyBaby forgives Me 

There’s something about MyBaby 

That always drives Me crazy 

Until today it’s still a mystery 

One day I share secrets with MyBaby

It takes time but MyBaby still accepts Me 

Only then I trust no one but MyBaby

Now MyBaby has to leave Me 

But I can’t let MyBaby see 

Deep inside I’m in total misery 

I want MyBaby to stay with Me 

I can’t live without MyBaby

I wish MyBaby comes back to Me 

MyBaby said she’ll miss Me 

I can’t help but cried with MyBaby

Now I know MyBaby cares for Me 

I’m sorry if I was unfaithful to MyBaby

I never meant to hurt MyBaby intentionally 

MyBaby … please forgive Me 

I pray that MyBaby stays happy 

In my heart is where MyBaby will be 

All I ask is MyBaby to remember Me 

Take care MyBaby

Fear not MyBaby

‘WE’ will survive … trust Me  

I miss you MyBaby

I love you MyBaby

‘WE’ = MyBaby + Me

XOXO

Valentine, Valentine … Wherefore art thou Valentine?

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face … You Took My Heart Away 

That Vision Of You remains in my mind until today

Beautiful Girl … you’re a Masterpiece of art
You Paint My Love right from the start

I’ve Been Waiting For You … All My Life
Your Love Is the only thing that keeps me alive

I’ve loved you since The First Time I saw you
Everyday I Love You … This I Promise You

You Come To My Senses all along
Right By Your Side is where I belong

I can’t help but Dreaming Of You all the while
Memory of you makes the dream worthwhile

My Heart says that you’re My Boo
My Baby You … I Just Can’t Stop Loving You

Dewi … I Miss You so much my dear
I Still Believe that We Belong Together

All I Ask Of You is You Must Love Me
There’ll be A Time For Us someday … You’ll See

With or Without You … I will Wait For You
I Love You and I’ll Stand By You

I’ll be Kissing You one fine day
Ready Or Not … I’ll do it my way

Angel of Mine … you’re so divine
Would you be My Valentine?

I Adore Me Amor … Tu Amor

Ne Me Quitte Pas … A Puro Dolor

I'm Yours ...

The first time I heard of Jason Mraz was almost a year ago when a friend of mine was asking for this particular song. The moment I heard the first few beats, a serene kind of feelings surrounded me. Just like the music video, I could imagine myself in an island resort with wonderful friends on the beach, sharing light moments together. It’s such a wonderful feeling! I’ve never heard of a song with everything - simple tune, sweet words and soothing voice. That’s all you ever need to feel the love within yourself. There’s no other song that makes life feel as beautiful as this.

This song is for you, wherever you are. I’ll be waiting for you … I’m Yours!

“ We Sing, We Dance … We Steal Hearts

            I’m Yours, You’re Mine … We’re One”

She’s All I Ever Had

I received a perfect belated birthday gift recently. She called me up late one night while I was half asleep. I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw her name on the caller ID. I thought it was just one of those dreams that kept haunting me for years. That night, it turned out to be real. It was like deja-vu, scenes from the dream flashed before my eyes. The moment I heard her called my name, I felt a thunder in my heart and a rush of blood to my head. I woke up and sat on my bed instantly. I whispered the only thing that came to my mind, “I miss you so much”. Moments later, there was total silence as we tried to hold back our tears. It took us awhile before we could say anything else. We were like two strangers, in search of words to get around the awkwardness. It’s very unlike us to feel that discomfort before. 

There was a mixture of feelings inside me as soon as the call ended. It brought me back to those days when she used to call me. Be it late at night or early morning, I was always there to comfort her. It’s hard to tell if it’s still the same reason this time around. Despite whatever it may be, I will still be the same person that I used to be during those darkest hours, her companion. It took me half an hour to shake off the anxiety before I finally went back to sleep. 

We met up on the following weekend. I felt nervous thinking of how we would react on seeing each other again after so many years. Her voice over the phone the other night convinced me that I would be seeing the same girl I once knew. I was right, she hasn’t changed much, pretty and plain as before. We headed to our favorite café where we spent hours talking, crying and laughing about everything that happened throughout these years. It was only then I realized why she left me without a word. She rather left things unsaid than to leave me in tears. Somehow it is the unheard truth that hurts me even more. Now that she’s back, the truth will be unveiled someday. 

When I drove her home late that night, we went through the same kind of feelings that we used to - don’t want the night to end. Not because of the thrill, but there were certain things clouding our heads. We didn't say anything as we don't want to spoil our first night after so many years. After I dropped her off, my mind wandered elsewhere. I ended up taking a wrong turn. It took me awhile before I finally found my way back home. I guess it was a reality check on me as not to get carried away after just one night. 

What fascinates me the most about that night is the fact that we’re still the same two people we used to be when we were together years ago. It’s amazing how we can still feel the closeness between us even after 7 years of separation ... must’ve lived within us all these years. It shows that we don’t have to be together to live the kind of love that we have. As long as we live inside our hearts, our love lives forever. She’s All I Ever Had, and ever will …

Dear Birthday Girl,

Our friendship is the best gift we could give each other.

 

“I love you then, I still love you now ... I will always love you”

XOXO

Ricky Martin - She's All I Ever Had
Here I am. Broken wings, quiet thoughts, unspoken dreams.
Here I am. Alone again and I need her now to hold my hand.

She's all … she's all I ever had.
She's the air I breathe.
She's all ... she's all I ever had

It's the way she makes me feel.
It's the only thing that's real.
It's the way she understands.
She's my lover, she's my friend.
And when I look into her eyes it's the way I feel inside.
Like the man I want to be.
She's all I ever need.

So much time, so much pain (but) there's one thing that still remains.
(It's the) The way she cared the love we shared.
And through it all she's always been there.

She's all … she's all I ever had in a world so cold, so empty.
She's all … she's all I ever had.

It's the way she makes me feel.
It's the only thing that's real.
It's the way she understands.
She's my lover, she's my friend.
And when I look into her eyes it's the way I feel inside.
Like the man I want to be
… She's All I Ever Need.

Music in Me

Music has always been part of my life since my childhood days. It accompanies me all the time, since early in the morning till I fall asleep at night. There is never a single day in my life goes by without listening to music. I just can't live without it, feels so incomplete. I've found solace in all sorts of music. Whether it's Alternative, Ballad, Classical, Dance, Easy Listening, Jazz, Latin, New Age, Pop, Rock, RnB or Soul, they're in sync with how I feel inside. Music talks to me when I’m lonely, comforts me when I’m sad, provides me strength when I need one, it praises me for my feat, it gives me serenity ... basically fulfills my soul. I have options to choose based on my mood, anything from passion for romance to power for glory. All it takes is to select the right kind of music with the appropriate beat to feel the emotion.

Once the music starts, my life spins into a world of its own. No one bothers me, my worries fade away and my stress goes away ... it's only me and my music. Sometimes the feeling was so intense that I got caught up in the zone. When reality kicks in, it slowly vanished and finally back to the real world where anxiety awaits me.

Although music accompanies me all day long, I rather be with a better companion at times – friends. It’s true that music helps me to forget the sorrow but comforting words from friends will ease the pain.

Friends are like Music & Lyrics ...
.. We need each other
... We walk hand in hand together
... We run after each other
... We hold on to one another
... We cry together
... We laugh at each other
... We blend together
... We can't live without the other

P/s : You are the Lyrics in My Music

What's left of Baby Cactus ...

It was my fault. I didn’t get someone to water Baby Cactus during Dec holiday. Not because I forgot but I couldn’t get MyBaby to help out. For some reason, she was keeping her distance since early Dec. I tried to approach her several times but she avoided me. In the end, I left MyBaby alone to deal with her problem. That left me no choice than to water Baby Cactus till the top of the pot, hoping it would sustain for 2 weeks. When I came back early this year, the bottom part of its body has dried up. I tried to revive by gently removed the whole body out of the pot and placed under running water to refresh. Then rearranged the soil before firmly planted back in the pot. Even though Baby Cactus looks better, I have a feeling that it may not last forever … I was right!

After almost 2 months, MyBaby finally broke her silence and made her first visit to my cubicle. She was a bit upset with something which I couldn’t even help. She needed comfort and that was all I could offer her. In the midst of comforting her, she noticed something wrong with Baby Cactus as the body has slanted to the side, towards its mate, Shaun the Sheep. She grabbed hold of Baby Cactus and looked sadly at it. I told MyBaby that it was my fault as I left it alone while I was away on holiday. MyBaby persistently asked me why I didn’t get her help to water Baby Cactus like I used to. I shrugged off my shoulder and kept quiet. I couldn’t tell her that I wanted to but I can't as she was avoiding me at that time.

Only a few days ago I decided to do what’s best for Baby Cactus – removed the green ones from the dried body and re-planted them close together with a mixture of new soil. That’s the only way to revive what’s left of it. Such a pity to see its main body, the one that has been keeping other parts together for the past 2 years, no longer have the strength to survive. I had to stop the pain and finally put it to rest. Apart from the main body, there was a small baby that didn’t make it either. I just don’t have the heart to get rid of this particular baby as it was among the last few to grow. The least I could do was to ‘preserve’ the small baby inside a gel-filled container and placed it next to the newly planted Baby Cactus. This way, they can still be close to each other. I hope a taste of new soil will give Baby Cactus a new breath of life …

I'm sorry for neglecting you ... I vow to take full responsibility for your well-being.

'We' ... or just 'Me'

Where have ‘We’ been?

.. or ‘We’ should never be seen. 

Where are ‘We’ going? 

.. or ‘We’ don’t know what we’re doing. 

Do ‘We’ still exist? 

.. or there’s something that I miss. 

Are ‘We’ drifting apart?

.. or ‘We’ should never start. 

Are ‘We’ still together? 

.. or ‘We’ should look for another. 

Should ‘We’ stay?

.. or ‘We’ rather fade away. 

Are ‘We’ ending? 

.. or there’s no ‘We’ from the beginning.

Being Happy

My dad gave me with this book, "Being Happy by Andrew Matthews" as a birthday gift. It went missing 12 years ago, just recently found. Seems that my younger brother borrowed and totally forgot about it all these years. He found last week after I persistently asked him to look through his book collection earlier this year.

I came to know about its ‘disappearance’ while I was on holiday in KL last December. I was looking for a book to read as I couldn’t sleep that night. While browsing through my Aunt's book shelf, this particular book caught my attention as it looks very familiar. When I looked through the note written inside, it’s a gift from her dear husband. Suddenly, I remembered that I used to have one years ago. Someone borrowed and has not returned ever since. I lost the interest to find something to read right that moment. Instead, my mind started to wonder about the missing book, which happened to be the last birthday gift from my dad. I’ve never been careless before, especially when it comes to prized possessions. The thought of losing it was very upsetting. I couldn’t sleep at all the entire night, was trying hard to remember who could’ve borrowed. I asked everyone the next morning but no one recalls seeing such book back home. My Aunt wanted me to have hers but I politely declined. I’d rather have the copy that my dad gave, the only one I cherish very much. I was devastated as I haven’t even had the chance to finish reading it. I vowed not to read that book again until I found the one that belongs to me.

The arrival of this long awaited book is like an omen. In a way, it’s telling me that I should find my happiness no matter how long it takes. Maybe it’s already there but I’m just too blind to see. Another possibility is that I can see it's there but not ready to acknowledge or too scared to take a step forward. Either way, I’ll keep my eyes wide open for anything that comes along. I shall be happy with whatever that awaits me eventually. It may take time but I will reach there one fine day...

Dear Dad,
Frank Sinatra did it his way …
Likewise, I shall pursue my happiness in my own way.

Thanks for the book.
Here’s looking at you Dad …

New Year - New Beginning or Ending?

It has been a bad start since the beginning of the year. I was down with high fever on new year’s eve and lasted for more than a week. There wasn’t much of a birthday celebration either as I wasn’t in the mood. My body was weak and I lost focus. My mind was elsewhere most of the time and I have no idea what was bothering me. Apart from the constant distraction, I got cranky easily. Even a slight noise around my cubicle drove me up the wall. Probably it was due to the strong medication. I should have known better than to display such erratic behavior. I really hate myself!!

In times like this, I would rather be left alone than having people to dislike me for not being myself. However, this time around, I badly need some company but the person who should be concern about me doesn’t seem to care at all. For unknown reason, Baby has been ignoring me. She gave all sorts of excuses to avoid talking whenever I saw her, as if she doesn’t want me hanging around anymore. I wonder if it's because of the media slides I made for Shila's farewell that made her jealous. There's nothing to be jealous about as they're just memorabilia of photos collection with her colleagues which I volunteered to help since other committee members were tight up with other arrangements. Whatever the reason was, I wish she opens up to me like she always do, no matter how complicated it is. 

We were okay before last November. She was hanging around with me almost everyday, came to my cubicle whenever she needs me. As always, I would put aside whatever I was doing and focused on her. She likes being pampered and I would do whatever she wants just to see her happy. Her words were so seductive, felt like I was under a spell. I fall for her ‘innocence’ and that's what upset me the most. I thought we're good friends. My instinct is bad, don’t even know who to trust and what to believe anymore. 

These days, words are so hard to come by. I felt as if I’ve lost my charm, can't even find the right words to express what I feel inside. Everything seems redundant, nothing interest me anymore. I’m living my life as it is, just couldn’t care less about anything or anyone at all, don't even know where I'm heading ... 

I wish for the magic to return … 

I wish to be myself again … 

I wish to find what I'm looking for.

XOXO

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I have climbed the highest mountains 

I have run through the fields 

Only to be with you

I have run, I have crawled 

I have scaled these city walls 

Only to be with you

But I still haven't found 

What I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips 

Felt the healing in her finger tips 

It burned like fire 

(I was) burning inside her

I have spoke with the tongue of angels 

I have held the hand of a devil 

It was warm in the night 

I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found 

What I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come 

Then all the colours will bleed into one 

Bleed into one

But yes, I'm still running

You broke the bonds 

And you loosed the chains 

Carried the cross of my shame 

Oh my shame, you know I believe it

But I still haven't found

What I'm looking for

Taking Chances ...

It’s been a year since I started this blog. It initially started off as a venue to delve into my life journey. It’s like putting bits & pieces together to solve a mystery. I was basically trying to figure out what makes me today and who I am to become tomorrow. It’s still a puzzle of what changed me at the early stage of life. Perhaps it was a pre-destined incident that wasn’t meant to be explored. As of now, it doesn’t matter the rationale behind it since I’ve accepted my life years ago. What’s more important is to find the will to survive. All I need is endless strength to be physically and emotionally fit to sustain this trying journey. For sure, it’s a big challenge to attain this kind of life but I’ll do it anyway. It’s the only desire that my heart lives for. I’ll take any chances given and willing to go through all the way.

To Be or Not To Be is not the question 

To Want and to Have is the only decision

XOXO

Celine Dion - Taking Chances

Don't know much about your life 

Don't know much about your world but 

Don't want to be alone tonight 

On this planet they call earth 

You don't know about my past

And I don't have a future figured out 

And maybe this is going too fast 

And maybe it's not meant to last 

But what do you say to taking chances 

What do you say to jumping off the edge 

Never knowing if there's solid ground below 

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay 

What do you say … 

I just want to start again 

And maybe you could show me how to try 

And maybe you could take me in 

Somewhere underneath your skin

 

What do you say to taking chances 

What do you say to jumping off the edge 

Never knowing if there's solid ground below 

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay 

What do you say … 

And I had my heart beaten down 

But I always come back for more 

There’s nothing like love to pull you up 

When you’re laying down on the floor there 

So talk to me … like lovers do 

Walk with me … like lovers do

What do you say to taking chances 

What do you say to jumping off the edge 

Never knowing if there's solid ground below 

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay 

What do you say … 

Don’t know much about your life 

And I don’t know much about your world …

You Put A Spell On Me

You Put a Spell on Me … 

I used to be happy 

Now misery loves me 

You Put a Spell on Me … 

I used to have a dream 

Now I’ve lost the esteem 

You Put a Spell on Me … 

I used to feel what love is 

Now I don’t know what it is

You Put a Spell on Me … 

I used to think a world about us 

Now I don’t know where it leads us 

You Put a Spell on Me … 

I used to adore you 

Now I hardly fancy you 

You Put a Spell on Me … 

I used to care for everybody 

Now no one can stand me 

You Put a Spell on Me … 

I used to live my life 

Now it’s a struggle to survive