My Baby & Me

I met Baby in Jan 2004 when started my role as MOL Team Lead. One of the responsibilities is to ensure my subordinates submitted Time Sheet to track total hours spent on assigned tasks. Since the tool is very new to me I needed hands-on guide and that’s how I met Baby. She was an admin assigned to assist some of the Corporate Tools used in Program Management Office. She would gladly come over to my place whenever I have issues with Time Sheet. She’s very patience and showed every single step to ensure that I fully understand. Sometimes she would leave a sticky note at my place if I’m not around for the hands-on session. Since then we frequently have casual chat and email each other beautiful thoughts and funny stuff. Though we were not fully acquainted, there’s something about her attracted my attention - the way she talk, her caring words and her sweet smile always brightens up my day. It was just months after that she started to call me ‘Baby’ and I did the same too. Not sure why we did that, maybe it was just for fun.

We got closer a year later when I joined Program Management Office in Feb 2005. I spent a lot of time with her to understand various tools to use in daily tasks to manage programs. Since she was such a great help, I offered to treat her lunch in return for her kindness. Being modest, she always declined and said it was just part of her job. I bought her chocolates instead since she loves them so much. That was when I started to shower her with small gifts, from chocolates to cute stuffed toys to show how much I appreciate her although she never ask for any of it. I just love to see her smile and make her happy. At times, I would return her favor by sharing information she needed in her daily tasks. Sometimes when tired or too bored in the office, we would play around each other’s words and flirt through either YM or office messenger. We just love to tease each other in a fun way. The more I got to know her, the more I like being with her. Her soft spoken words and cheery mood always put my troubles away.

Sometimes people wondered why we like to spent time together. It's either she came to my cubicle or I went to hers. We would always have something to talk about no matter how busy we were, sort of reminding each other’s daily tasks. I don’t actually care what people think, as long as I completed my work and had a chance to spend time with my baby then that’s all that matters. She can always depend on me anytime and vice versa. She even backed me up when someone tried to belittle me. We always have each other’s back and never let each other down. Whenever we go for trainings or team-building activities we would always stay close. Sometimes even though we sat next to one another, we still message each other just for fun. The first time I bought her a real gift was for her birthday in 2005. I got her an Elle Watch and made a personalized card with poem based on her initials. I also made a CD songs compilation from her initials. She was very touched and extremely happy with all the things I did to make her feel extra special on her birthday.

Months after that, I stayed back frequently to accompany her till late evenings. That was when we were more open to share personal stuff. One night I told her about my past. Although she was shocked at first to know about my dark secrets, she still accept me just as I am. She doesn't judge me. Instead, she treated me as her close companion. Sometime in Dec 2005, she had to work extra hours till 9pm. I felt sorry for her having to work alone every night. Hence, I stayed back with her so that she will not feel all alone. That was when we started to spend more time at night. I would be doing my work and occasionally checked on her if she needed anything. We always parked our cars near to one another every morning so that when we walked back late at night into the empty carpark we would not be alone. The carpark lighting was still okay but the street lighting outside was very bad. In fear of her safety, I would wait for her car to go out first and followed closely from behind. Towards the end of Dec I had to clear my leave. Since I couldn’t let her stay back alone, I accompanied her at night via YM. Whenever she felt like having someone to chat or needed help, I'll Be There to assist her. I even send her songs to keep her company. I was her DJ-Nazty. At times, I reminded her to eat as she tend to get carried away when too caught up with work. When it was time to go home, I told her to get someone to accompany her to the carpark. I always care for her safety.

When I came back to the office early next year, she was on medical leave. She had gastric after frequently skipped dinner when stayed back alone. That wouldn’t have happened if I was there to take care of her. She felt pain at times and lost her appetite. Seeing how tired she looked, I offered to take her to work and send her back home until she’s fully recovered. Soon after that she doesn't have to stay back at night anymore. Even so, we still go back together after work in the evenings like we used to. We would agreed on a specific time and walked down together before went separate ways at the carpark. We enjoyed every single moment together. That year was the first time I bought her a Valentine Gift which was an Estee Lauder Chance Perfume. Just like her birthday last year, I also made a personalized card with special poem together with selected songs in CD to show how much she meant to me. As always, she was extremely happy with such special gift.

In early Mar 2006, we stopped going back together as she had plans with other colleagues after work. At first, I didn’t suspect anything as I thought she wanted to spend more time with them instead. Then I realized that she also stopped coming to my place for our casual chat. Initially I thought it was due to her busy schedule but I was wrong. She even looked away whenever walked passed me. I asked if there's something I did to upset her. She said there’s nothing wrong, just wanted to be more independent instead of relying too much on me. I was disappointed when she asked me not to accompany her anymore in the evenings. I was surprised as I’ve never seen her that way before. So I kept my distance and gave her space.

It was only days later I saw her walking home with a Guy from the Engineering team. That’s when I knew the reason why she wanted to be left alone. If only she told me the truth, I would definitely understand and never felt that dejected. Since that day, I avoided her and stopped looking at her place like I used to. I was mainly angry with myself for not being able to put my personal feelings aside whenever I got close with someone. All those times when we’re together, she made me felt special as if I’ve found someone who love just to hang around with me. Now that she finally found her someone, I was Invisible to her. The whole thing reminded me of similar incident many years ago. It happened twice before and now it’s like seeing the history repeats itself over and over again. Once bitten, twice shy … three times showed that I’m just plain stupid when it comes to relationship. I’ve never learn my lesson. I should never start anything from the beginning even when she called me “Baby” for the very first time. I shouldn't have been too close to her. Now I can’t even get her out of my head. Those harmless flirts between us has turned into nasty hurt.

No matter how much I tried to hide, I can’t live with a lie lingering inside. I'm So Sick of going through another round of emotional ride. I just had to let her know. It was on the night of Mar 9, 2006 I sent sms to confess that I have feelings for her. Maybe it's not love, perhaps some sort of affection for her. As expected, she didn’t respond. I must’ve freaked her out with my confession. Despite feeling a bit petrified, I was ready to face whatever awaits me the following day. An unexpected incident took place the next evening when leaving office. I took a different route out of the office to avoid bumping into her. Somehow she caught a glimpse of me before we reached the security post. She was ahead of me, about 20m apart. From time to time, she looked at me while approaching the exit. I can’t really tell from the look on her face. I felt uneasy as she never kept looking at me that way before. When I passed by her as she waited outside, she looked as if she wanted to say something but the words won’t come out. I’m not sure what exactly she wanted to say but her eyes looked very sad. Seeing her that way makes me feel like I never want to Let Her Go. I would never forget the look on her face when I left her that day ... it stayed fresh in my mind until today. It doesn’t take that long before we finally broke our silence. Hours later at night we briefly sms each other to apologize for what happened. Next day I told her that it was all my fault as I misled myself from beginning into thinking that we had something. It was all down to me, I Want It That Way and she did nothing wrong. All she ever did was being a good friend whenever I needed her. I guess we can’t stay mad at each other for too long as it’s just too painful for both of us. We rather get along and move on from there. What I wanted her to Really Know is that she will always be My Baby for as long as she needed me. I bought us a pair of Tatty Bear to remind that incident. No matter what happened between us, our friendship will forever remain strong.

What amazes me the most about My Baby is that she treated me the same as others although she knows that I’m gay. In fact, it was her kind words that got us back together as friends. In a way, my confession has taken us to the next level of trust. We tend to be more open and understand of each other. That’s the reason why I can’t keep my distance from her. She's my companion, the one who truly understand me and I trust her with all my heart. Perhaps that’s why I still can’t resist showering her with gifts from time to time. It’s true, there’s something about My Baby that always drives me crazy and it will remain a mystery. This is not like any other Love Story ... this is the Story of My Baby and Me.

We = MyBaby + Me

Four Weddings & A Funeral

Last weekend I decided to watch Four Weddings & A Funeral. The first time I watched this movie was 13 years ago with my housemate, Ita when we were studying in Liverpool. At that time, we were still in good terms. It was a movie treat for helping her. I said it wasn’t necessary but she insisted. Plus, it was the first time someone treated me for a movie. What's so wonderful about this movie that I could watched it again & again after so many years? It’s the fact that one will do or say foolish things just to find that perfect someone.

The story is about Charles (Hugh Grant), who's afraid to commit in any kind of relationship finally falls for Carrie (Andie MacDowell). For some reason, they always end up meeting at weddings. One day Charles finally took the courage to confess how much he loves her. However, it was too late as she was already engaged and planned to get married. They got separated and it was one fateful day that brought them back together again - at Charles’s wedding day. Seeing her again made him confused especially when he knew about her failed marriage. He finally decided to follow his heart instead of marrying someone he doesn’t even love. Despite the fact that he made a fool of himself with his confession, it gave him something wonderful in return - his true love. The last scene was when they met after the wedding was called off. For the first time in his life, Charles uttered every single word perfectly to get her back into his life. 

It took them 4 weddings to finally be together. I wonder how long it will take me to find that special someone. My 1st was someone that I was never meant to be with. I misunderstood our friendship and I wanted something more that she could ever give. The 2nd one left me hanging without a word, not even a goodbye. Probably it was for the best but even after so many years, I’m still hoping that she will come back someday. I confessed my true feelings to the 3rd one a year ago but she insisted that we’re to remain as just friends. No matter how much I tried to put my feelings aside, she kept making me falling for her from time to time. We're still good friends now. The 4th one is very unclear. I’m getting mixed signals and it's keeping me in the dark all the time. Not sure how I would go about this time. Only time will tell. I'm longing for somebody out there who will hear me say these beautiful words someday - “I’ve loved you from the first second I met you”.

XOXO

My Baby ...

Dear B'Day GiRL ...

You lost one side and I lost the other ... 

We now have a matching pair that brings us closer together ...

XOXO

Diamonds are Forever ...

D - Diamonds are not only a Girl’s Best Friend

I - It is a Symbol of friendship … an indication that we blend

A - Although we may not be Soul Mates

M - My Heart insist to wait … it is just our Fate

O - Of all the things that I’ve Said and Done

N - None can deny you could be The One

D - Diamonds are definitely forever but …

S - Sharon My Baby … our Friendship lasts Forever & Ever

XOXO

Tell Me Baby ...

The Time we spend is very precious

Some may say it looks conspicuous 

Tell me Baby … is it fictitious? 

Money is definitely not everything 

Life without Love is basically nothing 

Tell me Baby … what’s the ultimate thing? 

Love makes things possible 

At times it becomes unreasonable 

Tell me Baby … is ours questionable? 

Life is senseless without soul mate 

Whoever it may be is worth to wait 

Tell me Baby … do you believe in fate? 

You insist that “Diamond is Forever” 

I rather say “Friendship is Forever” 

Tell me Baby ... is ours Forever or “Whatever”? 

Happy Ending do exist in reality 

Occasionally some end in fatality 

Tell me Baby … is ours full of uncertainty? 

Some relationship goes up another scale 

Unfortunate ones end up in frail 

Tell me Baby … is ours just a Fairytale?

What will it be ...

"To Wait or to Leave is the individual's choice 

To Want or to Have is ultimately the heart’s voice" 

- Jacques Pierre ® -

Love Hurts but Life Hurts more when I'm not with Y.O.U. 

XOXO

Things About ME ...

There’s Something about Me 

Not Everyone can See 

Only a certain S.H.E. 

Knows those ‘Things’ about Me 

There’s Nothing about Me 

Anyone would like to be 

I’m just plain Nazty 

Nobody else I’d rather Be 

There’s Everything about Me 

I wish I could make them See 

That day will only be 

When I’m no longer Me 

Is there Anything about Me 

Y.O.U. never wish to See 

Talk to me … Show me … 

Help me to see Me 

XOXO

Forgive me My Dear ...

What’s that one thing we should never do to a friend in need? Leave them alone without even trying to help. That’s what I did yesterday and I felt like a jerk! After lunch yesterday, I went to the restroom. As soon as the door opened, I was surprised to see a good friend of mine by herself and in tears. There was no one else, just me and her. Her work issues seems to be the cause of her tears. I asked if I could help her in anyway but she briefly said she needed a good cry. From the look on her face, she needed more than that. I wish I could be that someone she can turn to for whatever reason. But I can't as I had to keep my distance due to our recent misunderstandings. I felt reluctant to leave her alone as she needed someone to be there with her. My conscience says she needed to be left alone but my heart says otherwise. Afraid of complicating our situation, I reluctantly excused myself and left her alone. That was the most insensitive thing I've ever done to anyone!! The worst part is that I didn’t even try to talk to her.

When I reached my cubicle, I couldn't think or concentrate on anything. I was disappointed with myself for leaving her without even trying to help. Seriously, what’s the worst thing that could happen? She may get upset with me for making things even worst between us but at least it would help to release all of her emotions. I don’t mind being her ‘punching bag’ as long as she feels better. The pain would remind me to be more sensitive towards other's misery.

In fear of losing what's left of our friendship, I sms to say how deeply sorry I was and will try to help her in anyway. If she reply, I would instantly run back to her. Unfortunately, there's no response. I started to feel worried and restless. I decided to check on her and pledged to comfort her by putting aside our misunderstanding just for that moment. To my dismay, someone else was already there to console her. I was like 10 minutes too late to make things right. Although I was glad to see her smile again but deep down inside, I was disappointed for not being the one who washed away her tears. Now, I'm the one holding back mine. 

My dear ... 

I’m truly sorry for being so insensitive. Please give me another chance to prove I'm still worthy of being your friend.

Take care … 

XOXO

Man Propose, God Dispose

April 25, 1997 was the day my beloved Dad passed away. I was not there by his side during his last moments as he was in Mecca with Mum for Haj. It happened on Friday afternoon, the last few days before both of them were to return home. A few hours prior to that, he was having a chat with Mum. Mum said there was no indication at all that he would be leaving us. Only about an hour before Asar prayer, he started complaining to his roommates about having chest pain and sudden difficulty to breathe. Mum was called immediately and reached there in time and assisted him to Shahadah until his final breath. She witnessed the whole incident - it happened so fast and painlessly. I was at home alone on Friday night when Mum called. Before the shocking news, I was in a holiday mood - took the following week off to welcome them back home. That particular week turned out to be the longest week ever as I waited in pain for Mum to return home - Alone! True what my Dad used to say - “Man Propose, God Dispose”. 

Even though I didn’t get to see him before his demise, he ‘visited’ me in my dream, a few days before that depressing day. In my dream, I was taking a bus ride somewhere in UK, admiring the beautiful countryside when all of a sudden, the bus stopped. My Dad stepped in and stood a few steps away from me. He was wearing a white robe, the same one he did for Haj. I was taken by surprised as to why he was there since he was supposed to be in Mecca. The whole thing was so weird. I don’t remember seeing the bus driver or any other passenger except myself and Dad. Even the bus ride itself doesn’t make sense at all since I was already back home in Penang at that time. I asked Dad why he was there and where he was going. He didn’t say a word but only smiled at me. I wanted to hug him as I missed him so much but I just can’t get myself to move at all. I don’t remember how the dream ended. Wherever the bus stopped or the journey ended, it would definitely be a pleasant one for Dad. 

If only I knew that would be the last memory of Dad, I would have taken control of my dream to give him something that I seldom do - a big hug! Until today, I regretted very much for not hugging him as much as I should have when he was still around. Not because I don’t want to but I just don’t know why. One thing for sure, whenever I close my eyes, I can see him smiling at me and that’s exactly how I will remember him. 

Here’s looking at you Dad …XOXO

It's A Sin

I met Az when started Form Four in a boarding school. We were in the same class. We sat separately in most classes except in biology. We stayed in the same dormitory at the top floor with Form One and the rest of Form Four freshies. My bed was the 1^st one by the window while hers was the 3^rd in the same row. We got along very well from the beginning. She’s very smart, pretty and likeable by everyone - juniors, seniors and also the teachers. I can’t really say that we’re very close but we do know a little about each other.

She sensed that I’m interested in girls rather than the guys. Probably because I was more friendly towards them and seldom talk to the guys in school. One night I wasn’t in the mood to revise when it was only halfway through the prep session. I couldn’t concentrate as I kept thinking of someone from my old school and continuously scribbled her name on the newspaper covering the dining table. She was sitting across me and noticed that I looked distracted. She saw the girl’s name written all over the paper and asked me what’s wrong. I didn’t say anything, just shook my head and continued to scribble whatever comes to my mind. When the bell rang, I didn’t stop. I don’t feel like doing anything and wanted to be left alone. Seeing me behaving that way, she pat my hand, persuaded me to stop and followed her back to our dorm. As a friend, I could say that she cares about me in some ways.

I don’t remember exactly when but something happened between us that year. One weekend there were only a few of us left in our dorm as the rest went back home. That night after I came back from watching late movie in the common room downstairs, I saw her and other juniors having a good laugh. They were talking about family matters, school stuff, ghost stories and even gossips around school. Seeing how much fun they were having, I decided to join them instead of lying on my bed. I went to sit on her bed since the juniors were sitting on the empty bed next to her. Sometimes after past midnight, the juniors went back to their bed while I continued talking to her. I don’t remember what we talked about, probably just random stuff.

Not long after, we felt tired but not sleepy yet. I wanted to go back to my bed but she asked me to sleep with her since I was the only one left at the other side of the dorm. We continued talking and soon she fell asleep. Hours later I still can’t sleep as I’m not used to have someone sleep beside me. I was too scared to go back to my bed after hearing the ghost stories. So I just close my eyes and tried to sleep. After a while, I heard the sound of her sweater zip being pulled down slowly. It probably stopped midway as I didn’t hear the snap sound. I thought she was feeling warm and wanted to open up the sweater a bit but I was wrong. Suddenly I felt her hand holding mine and put inside her sweater. She was not wearing anything at all, not even a bra. As she placed my hand on her breast, I felt her nipple against my palm. Then she slowly squeezed my hand on her breast to massage. I was stunned when that happened. Was she having some sort of a wild dream? Was she longing for someone to touch her? My mind was all over the place and my heart was racing as it felt uncomfortable. I was too scared to open my eyes to see if she was awake or asleep. After a while, she stopped squeezing and left my hand on her chest. I wanted to pull my hand right away but was afraid she would knew that I was still awake. I was too scared to even move, so I laid still for as long as I could. I was hoping she would move or turn her body slightly so that my hand would stay off her but she didn’t. She was lying on her back while I kept still on my left facing her with both eyes tightly shut. Both of us laid still until the call of the morning prayer was heard. That was when she pushed my hand away and zipped up her sweater. I waited for her to leave the dorm before I went back to my bed. I vaguely remember what happened after that as I was still in shocked about the incident.

I wanted to talk to her openly and sort between us. I was curious to know if she had some sort of feelings after knowing that I'm into girls. However, she never confronted me for what happened that night. She kept her distance and avoided me. She even looked away whenever we're in the same room. She always had that disgusting look on her face when I’m around. Within days, others in school started to talk about the incident. She must’ve confided in someone about it. Our classmates, juniors and seniors hate the sight of me. Even my close mate Asha said she felt disgusted with what I've done. One day I was called up by the School Counselor but can’t recall much of what was discussed in the session. All I remembered was myself crying after being warned the possibility of drop out of school for my indecent behaviour. It was her words against mine. Obviously, she’s likeable by everyone with her charms whereas I’m just me, a tomboy and it was very hard to defend for myself. Luckily, I was given verbal warning instead. Although I felt so relieved for not being expelled, I could not understand why everyone believed she was the victim. Why can't anyone see there's a possibility that I could also be the victim? What if she was using me for her own pleasure instead? No one will ever know because they refused to believe anything I said. I felt like an outsider or the rejects from the Mean Girls movie. The thought of having everyone hates you is really depressing. Sometimes it got me stressed out just thinking about the whole ordeal.

Late one night it was raining outside. I was restless as I couldn't sleep. So I went for a walk to clear my head. I walked aimlessly, went all the way down to the ground floor and then went up to the top and continued along the corridor. I finally stopped just before the bathroom at the other end. I purposely stood there as the area was dark so that no one could see me. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Not long after that I saw someone walking up the stairs to the top floor and continued along the corridor. From far I could see it was my mate Ayu, who was in a different class. Her dorm was the last one which is beside where I was standing. I quickly looked away as I thought she would just ignored me like the rest of them. To my surprise, she came towards me and asked what I was doing there by myself. I didn’t say much and just kept quiet. She stood there watching me staring blankly into the dark. Then she asked if I was alright. The moment she said that, tears started to well up in my eyes. That was the first time someone asked how I was doing after being cast aside by everyone I knew. As I looked at my hands fiddling with the pouring rain, I kept saying “it’s a sin”. Seeing how distraught I was, she asked me to go back instead of standing there by myself. I wanted to be left alone but she kept asking me to go back and sleep as it was already hours past midnight. After much persuasion, I finally went back to my dorm.

Since that night, I noticed things slightly changed. Some of my mates slowly started to acknowledge me and occasionally a few of them talked to me. Maybe it had something to do with that night when I was having some “thoughts”. Ayu could have told the rest and it was only then they realized the state that I was in. I was lucky she came over and talked to me. She saved me from whatever I thought of doing that night. Only God knows what was going on in my head and what might have happened if she wasn’t there to console me.

The following year, things went back to normal as if it was a brand new start for me and Az. Though she seemed to be okay being around me, I took precaution all the time and tried not to get too close to her. It was very hard to tell if she was pretending. Later that year, she started to hang around with a mate from another class who is also a tomboy. Seeing her being cozy with someone like me makes me wonder if she actually likes her or just using her like she did to me. If she's trying to make me jealous then I don't really care what she does with anyone since I don't have feelings for her at all. Even my close mate Asha questioned her intention and reminded her about what happened between us last year. I was glad someone finally sensed that I may not be the only one to blame for that "incident". If she likes being cozy that way, there's a possibility that she wanted someone to touch her. Since I was already there by her side, she could have used me to please her that night. If she opened up to me and talked about it I would definitely understand because life was very complicated at that age. If only I went back to sleep in my own bed, none of this would have happened. Whatever it was, only God knows what actually happened that night and why. All I know is both of us have sinned and we're equally to be blamed.

If These Walls Could …

If these walls could Talk … 

They would speak of beautiful words about you 

If these walls could See … 

They would treasure every single glance I get from looking into your beautiful eyes 

If these walls could Feel … 

They would sense the warm feelings whenever I’m with you 

If these walls could Show … 

They would flaunt masterpiece of art you've potrayed in my heart 

If these walls could Sing … 

They would serenade to the enchanting rhythm of love 

If these walls could Scream … 

They would shout outrageously forbidden words I’ve been longing to say

 

But if these walls could Keep a Secret … 

They would conceal too many buried deep down inside. 

XOXO

My First Crush ...

Ever since I was a kid, I found myself attracted to the girls rather than the guys. It's like whenever I watched tv series or movies, I tend to fall for the female characters instead of the male. I never questioned myself as to why I felt that way. I don’t even know when exactly or how it all started. Probably it has always been that way ever since I was born. I never discussed about them with anyone, not even my mum or dad. As I grow up, I just let it be as it is.

I still remembered my first crush. It was during early primary school days in Standard 3. Her name is Janice and we were classmates. It’s a mystery to why I like her as I've never talked to her even years before that. She was always with her group of friends, never joined them as I was afraid of being out of place. I admired her secretly, took glances at her whenever she was around. I remembered a few times she noticed me looking at her. She probably thought I was stalking her which wasn’t my intention at all. I only wanted her to know that I was around if she needed any help. That never happened as she's very independent. On the other hand, I was the one needed help. Every time she was near, my heart beats fast and I felt nervous. There was one time she sat next to me in the gym class. We were in our shorts and had to squeeze ourselves on the small bench while listening to our PE teacher. Her knee wrested against mine and I had to control my legs from shaking. That was the longest moment we sat together and I never even said a word to her. I froze like an iceberg. That’s the reason I avoided talking to her as not to make a fool of myself. Sometimes while waiting for the extra-curricular activities in the evenings during secondary years, I would sit at her place when no one was around. There were a few times I picked some flowers from the school compound and left them inside her table. When she started asking around about the mystery flowers, I stopped doing that as I didn’t want her to know they were from me. It would totally freaked her out.

One day, I accidentally confessed to our classmate, Anushia about my secret crush. I can’t remember why I did that as she’s the last person I would tell. Probably the feeling was too much to bear that I had to let it out. It has been kept too long, 5 years at that time. That was a bad decision, she was tempted to disclose them to Janice. I begged her not to do so but she kept on teasing me. I never felt so terrified in my life as I did at that moment. I rushed to the restroom and hid there for the next half hour. During that short period, my conscience kept telling me that I should come out and face the consequences. Besides, being called to the headmistress office due to my absence is far worst than facing the outcome of my confession. When I came back to the classroom, Anushia gave me a big smirk. I felt like giving her a big smack on the face right that moment! For the rest of the period, I dare not even look at Janice as I thought she would probably have known about it. As soon as the class was over, I confronted Anushia. Just when I was about to tell her off, she admitted that Janice knew nothing about my feelings, she was only teasing me. I didn’t expect that kind of respond from someone who’s known for her obnoxious behavior. Though I don’t believe a single word she said, I was glad that I didn’t get myself in trouble. Even if I did, it would definitely worth the fight. That nasty incident taught me to be extra careful with whom I chose to disclose my feelings.

Since that day onwards, I stood low and refrained myself from showing such attention to her anymore. I could only watched her from far and remained as her secret admirer. That only lasted for slightly more than a year as I was offered to continue Form Four in a boarding school. I had no choice but to convince myself that whatever I felt for her was just a crush and I should let that ‘secret love’ of mine fade in time. Never thought it would end that way but it would be for the best. Somehow the feeling still lingers on and interfered with my studies. That was the first time ever I felt the sensation of going through a failed relationship!

I decided to write her a letter of confession as an attempt to move on. The moment I mailed the letter, feelings of uncertainty kept me worried for days. I was afraid that she would think of me differently. To my surprise, she replied the letter. Her kind words moved me and didn’t even made me feel mortified for being who I am. We exchanged a few letters and stopped after awhile due to our busy schedule. After the SPM, we lost contact when her family migrated to Australia and only met once in 1999 when she came to Penang for our class reunion. She looked very much the same, sweet as before and we got along just fine. If only I had known her personally since school days, it would definitely turned out better.

No words can express how relieved I felt after the confession. Not sure how life would have been if I chose to disregard such wonderful feelings … my first crush ever and it's special in its own way.

Happy birthday Jan ...

XOXO

Poem : My First Love Story

A little something from the movie "Muhsin".... 

"The minute I heard my first love story, 

I started looking for you,

not knowing how blind that was. 

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. 

They're in each other all along" - Rumi

Mea Culpa ...

It all began in 1993 during Valentine's Day Carnival in our hostel in NCUK. That was when we had our first conversation. I was having a chat with my friends and noticed you were sitting alone. Out of courtesy, I invited you to join us. You didn't talk much and you've got that ‘mysterious’ look on your face which made me wanted to know you. That night, I was surprised to see you again when I delivered my custom-made valentine cards to Azreen and Azura who happened to be your room-mates. It was just for fun to celebrate friendship. Thought of giving you one but it was too sudden as we just got acquainted hours ago. When I went back to my room, I couldn’t sleep. Not sure why I started to think of you and it kept me awake all night.

Since that day, we occasionally bumped into each other around the campus and hostel. Sometimes I went to the TV room hoping to find you. Usually you would be there for late night comedy series when not many people around. Being there was easy, the challenge was to get your attention. I remembered once you sat next to me, wearing a broad neck top. When one of the sleeves dropped to the side, I could see your smooth silky shoulder. I purposely complimented how sexy you looked that night to get your reaction. I was stunned to hear your comeback with a cheeky remarks. It seems like you were trying to get my attention as well. Seeing how much you love getting all the attention makes me wanted to know you even more. When the exam was finally over, we discussed about our stay in UK. I was glad to know that both of us would be studying in the same university. However, you’re worried because none of your close friends would be going there. Since you haven’t secured any accommodation yet, I suggested to stay with me and few of my classmates. There were also two other law students who would be staying together which really makes sense for you to join us.

Since our stay in Liverpool, we were closer than before as you hardly knew any of our housemates. I promised to always be there whenever you needed help with anything or someone to just being there for you. Our rooms were the only ones downstairs. Your room is about twice the size of mine and looks very cozy and warm. On the other hand, mine doesn't even have a window. It's also a bit cold as there's a door behind the closet. Although all the edges were glued and can't be opened, it felt a bit drafty at times. Looks a bit gloomy although there's light from the outside coming through the glass above the door. It was actually a side doorway converted into an extra room. I don't mind taking the smaller one as I don't need that much space with whatever stuff I had with me. Besides, I would rather have you feel more comfortable since I was the one who invited you to stay there in the first place. 

Nobody knew that I dropped by your room almost every night. I love to hear things about yourself, your past relationships and your daily progress. You always have something excited to share. When you’re talking, I can’t stop looking at you - your eyes, your lips and your face. They're so full of expression. I felt like a kid listening to the bedtime stories. Hearing your lovely voice and seeing your cheerful attitude always made my day. Even when you ran out of words, I was still waiting for more. I just can't get enough of you. Our conversation were never bored. We always had a good laugh and enjoyed each others company. Sometimes when there's nothing much to say, you love to ask me all sorts of tricky questions, it’s actually more like an “interrogation” I would say. Some sounds silly, some were very serious and there were also catchy ones that left me confused at times. You like to play tricks on my mind and love to see me struggling with the answers. You had to be right all the time and I had to gave in. I don't mind playing games with you as long as I could see you smile. Whenever we were watching movies, you would lean on me like a soft cuddly toy. I could feel your warm body against mine. My heart beats fast and I could hardly say a word. I felt like there's a strange kind of feelings that pulled me closer to you. Sometimes you held on to me to keep yourself warm. I reciprocated with a hug. I froze whenever that happened but at the same time felt comfortable having you so close to me. You needed me and I was glad to be there By Your Side.

Things changed after a few months. I felt a bit jealous when you started to give more attention to some other housemates. I knew that I shouldn't be feeling that way because we're all just friends staying together. There's nothing wrong with that but sometimes I just couldn't help it. Perhaps I'm a sensitive kind of person, that's all. Once, I was really upset and stayed in my room instead of joining everyone in the hall. I remembered exactly how you got yourself forgiven for making me felt that way. Late at night when everyone else were asleep, you called me into your room. You said that you needed help to change your stereo sound settings. You knew I would gladly help since you were never good at it. I even fixed your alarm and playlist selection. Once done, I wanted to leave right away but you stopped me instead. Your soft hands gently pulled me away from the door and locked behind you. As you pulled me towards the bed, you said that you can’t sleep and needed my company that night. You came on to me like a helpless child in need of tender and loving care. You knew that I love doing things for you and that night, I fell for it. I can’t resist your sweet voice talking me into doing all sorts of things, felt as if I was under a spell. I did whatever you asked me to do. You even sweet talked me into giving you shoulder and back massage which I gladly did till my hands got tired. We ended up talking until early morning before both of us finally fell asleep.

One unexpected day, someone entered your life. Ever since then I felt like I was just a Game to you. When you had no one, I helped you around with almost everything. I was the one who accompanied you to go shopping, movies, laundry etc. I even made sacrifices so that you'll be warm and well taken care of especially when you were not feeling well or got homesick. I always prioritize you over anything else, even myself. None of that matters to you anymore. I was really upset, you’re not the same person I knew. We only talked whenever you needed help with the chores. No matter what, I still helped around just to see you happy although deep inside I felt so hurt. Other than that, we hardly spent time together. Whenever I went to your room, you were either busy with coursework or sleeping. Sometimes I tried to drop by at night but you locked the door to prevent me from seeing you. I was no longer welcomed to drop by anymore. It's ok, I understand why you did that. You were already with someone else and I shouldn't be thinking too much about you.

One night I noticed your door was not locked, it was left slightly ajar with the night lamp turned on. I wondered if it was done on purpose to tempt me into going inside. Were you expecting me that night? Why the sudden invitation? Out of curiosity, I went in to check if you were okay. Unfortunately, you were already asleep. Seeing how peaceful you looked made me realized how much I missed you. That night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to hold you for awhile. So I laid beside and held you in my arms. We were so close together that I could feel your heartbeat against mine. I was in a state of euphoria, the pleasant smell of your body moved me. Normally you would apply peach lotion on your hands and body but that night I could smell Ananya perfume around your neck. The scent was so exhilarating that it made me held on to your body like a glue. I kept my hands tight around you all night and never want to let you go. Suddenly you came on to me with an unspoken body language. At some stage, I could hardly understand. All I could do was to follow all my senses until it makes no sense at all with what I was doing.

I kept playing in my mind what happened that night for days. I broke into tears when I couldn't take it anymore. The feeling was so intense that it drives me crazy. I was in misery thinking of what I've done. I’ve betrayed your trust and no words could describe how terrible I felt. That was the First Time, never once I would thought of doing those things to you. It’s true what people said, "Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough". When you truly love someone, it takes more than just words to show how much you care about them. I remembered you asked me several times why I kept saying you're special and I can't really explain. You made yourself special because that’s how I felt whenever I’m with you. It’s the closeness we had, no one ever been that close to me. I never told you this but you're the first person I Secretly fell in love with. Otherwise, I wouldn't have showered you with so much attention and spent endless time doing all those things for you. I Would Do Anything for Love ... absolutely anything for you My Love. I gave you so much but lack of one important thing, which is trust and I failed miserably. I always Said I Love You ... but it seemed that I love you too much, more than anything else including myself and ended up breaking your trust instead.

Now I understand why my first song dedication to you was Bryan Adam - Please Forgive Me. Every word, every phrase, every line and every single emotion expressed in that song was exactly the way it was between us that night. I couldn't listen to it anymore as it brought back memories of what I did to you. Even though we briefly talked about it once, I can’t really tell if you were sincere enough to forgive me. I don't blame you, I really deserved that. Since then, my mind was in a total mess and I was never at peace. Every time I think, it would lead me back to that night. It was like a never-ending nightmare that kept haunting me. I suffered many unpleasant days and nights of living hell, my life was falling apart. I wanted you to help me put those miserable feelings away and straighten me up but you don't seem to care at all. I can’t talk to anyone else about what happened between us. Sometimes I wandered aimlessly wherever I felt like going. I went for long walks in Wavertree Park, Albert Docks and sometimes outside of the City Centre. I even took endless bus rides going just about anywhere to clear my head but none of them help to get rid of the misery. I felt like a lost child in a street of nowhere longing for someone to reach my hand and take me back home. The emotional pain I felt left a great impact on my study. I couldn't concentrate and don't even remember what I was doing all those times in the class.

Even after we lived separately in the final year, it took me a while to regain my self-confidence. I tried by all means to avoid you as much as possible but there were times we accidentally bumped into each other around the campus and city centre. I kept telling myself to forget about you and move on. However, from time to time, shadows of you still followed me around. The weird thing is that I wasn't even thinking about you at all, I felt your presence instead. I could only get you out of my mind but not in my heart. Deep down inside, I still care about you and at the same time it hurts because you don't feel the same way about me. It stressed me out whenever the thought of you accidentally crossed my mind. You're a Hard Habit To Break. I don't know how much longer I could take. Feared that I might suffer from some sort of a break down, I constantly told myself to forget we ever met. I had to endlessly Explain To My Heart that it's better to forget everything I ever felt about you. You know that I would do just about Anything for you but this is something that I had to do for myself. I had to do what any other "Gentlemen" should have done in the first place. There's no point holding back something that was never meant to be. I found you and we helped each other in some ways but it was definitely time to let you go and be happy with whoever you chose to be with. This has come to the End of The Road for us. What shall remain are those things that I've wronged you. I've betrayed your trust and I'm the one to blame. Just so you know, you're my Once in A Lifetime and for the last time my dear ... Please Forgive Me.

Happy Birthday Ita.

XOXO

Happy Birthday Eila ...

A few days ago I was preparing audio CD for a friend’s upcoming birthday on Feb 13. While playing back the CD, the song My All by Mariah Carey reminded me so much of my ex-girlfriend. I remember her birthday every year although she left me years ago without a word. Ever since she left, I kept thinking where she could have been and what she was doing all those years. I hope that she's happy with whatever choices she made. At times, I can't help but wondered if she ever think of me like she used to. I always think about her especially when going to all the places that we used to go. Everytime I did that, it brought back all the Memories we shared and made me felt so alive just thinking about her. All My Life I've never met anyone quite like her. Wherever I go or whatever I do, I always carry her in my heart because that's where she belongs. She's Someone that I will never be able to forget for as long as I live.

I met her 10 years ago when I started working. There were very few lady Engineers back then. Most of them were either married or in a relationship. Life at the office was not fun at all until the day she entered my life. Although she was an assistant at the office convenient store, there's something about her that kept me going there few times everyday. From the beginning, it wasn't easy to get her attention. She would just ignore me although I frequently dropped by daily. At times just to browse and not buying anything. I also tried small talks but she was not really interested. It took her awhile before she warmed up to me. She’s very pretty even without wearing her make-up. She hardly smile and don't easily trust anyone, men in particular. Not sure why she felt comfortable to hang around with me. Probably I was willing enough to listen. Sometimes, I purposely stayed back during her shift just to spend time with her. A year later, I made her a mix tape and bought teddy bear for her birthday. She was flattered when seeing I would do just about anything to get her attention.

When we first started going out after work, we went for Mee Udang at Teluk Kumbar nearby her house. There were a few stalls around that area, so we tried different one once in awhile. When things got bored, we would chill at Tanjung Assam beach nearby after having Mee Udang. Sometimes when we felt like going a bit further, I took her for a short drive along the coastal road heading towards Balik Pulau. We didn’t go all the way, just as far as we could see part of the sea below. While driving, I noticed that she loves my music selection - RnB, Pop, Jazz and Latin. Seeing how much she loves them, I upgraded the outdated tape player in my second hand Proton Saga Aeroback with Alpine 6-CD Changer and changed to 3-Way speaker for surround audio. I could tell from the look on her face that she was totally zoned out whenever the music is on. During the weekends, I would sneaked out to see her every single chance I had. The minute she called, I would be ready to pick her up for our secret rendezvous. I would take her wherever she wanted to go. We usually went for long rides just about anywhere. Everyday with her was an adventure. Things would never get bored as she always talked me into doing all sorts of crazy fun stuff. We were ‘Livin La Vida Loca’. She turned my life upside down and set my world on Fire. She got me wrapped around her fingers. I even got myself in trouble a few times and it felt like a thrill. Not sure how she did it, but her charms worked on me every time. No Matter What I got myself into, I can't get enough of her. After the adventures or "misadventures" we had all day, I really hate sending her back home. I just don't want the day to end. Apart from the good times, there were a few bad ones. The first one was when she started dating secretly with a guy from my department. I only knew about it when I accidentally caught them went back together. All I could do was to be happy with her choice although it hurts so bad.

One day she decided to end our friendship, I was so depressed. I hardly visited the store whenever she was around. I avoided her for few weeks until one day she approached me while I was at the soft-drinks vending machine outside the convenience store. I didn’t realized she was looking at me until she went outside. I remembered the way she looked that day. She was wearing her favourite black cardigan over her skirt uniform with her hair tossed in a messy bun. She pulled her cardigan closed to her chest with crossed arms as she slowly approached me. She kept looking at my face while I was attending the machine. I tried not to look at her but she had that look on her face that I just can’t resist. I sensed that she felt guilty for what happened and wanted to make things right between us. We started talking and she was surprised to see how different I was. I had a new haircut and even got second piercing on my ear to remind our past. We became friends again and occasionally went out for our weekend rendezvous until she quit her job. We got separated for a while when her new job required her to travel frequently. What amazes me the most is that she kept coming back to me whenever she needed someone so bad. It happened occasionally, especially when she had some misunderstandings with her boyfriend. No matter how much it hurts me, I could never see her in pain. I supported her in every way I could - physically, emotionally and financially if needed. I was her Shoulder to Cry On and always there for her, day and night. I always Stand By her side no matter how complicated the situation was. There were times I had to lie to my mum just to see her. The last night we spent was kind of odd. After our usual long rides at Batu Ferringhi, she asked me to take her to Bayu Senja. We stayed in the car watching the sunset and didn’t talk much. I sensed that something wasn’t right when she kept playing Menghitung Hari and said that I'll be counting days soon. I don't know what she meant by that. By the look on her face, I knew that she wanted to tell me something. I tried to get her to tell it all but she wouldn't. We stayed there in silence for the rest of the night.

When I realized that I would never see her again, it was too late. I waited too long to do something. We never even said goodbye and our relationship was left hanging just like that. I've been searching for her for the past 5 years. I asked every single friend of hers and went to every places that we’ve been. Still, she is nowhere to be heard or seen. I really miss her so much and all I ever wanted is to see her Again. Although she's The One That Got Away but then Who Knew perhaps One Day, she would be Back For Good. Until then ... Viva Forever my dear, I shall wait patiently for your return.

Happy Birthday Eila, wherever you are ... 

XOXO

Mariah Carey - My All
I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
'Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight