An Affair to Remember

I don’t remember exactly the first time I saw her but I do recall our first chat in 2003. It took place in the office pantry while I was making coffee. She was very disappointed that morning as there's no more teabag left. She can’t take coffee as she was pregnant with her 2nd child. There's nothing else left and she needed a drink to kick off the day. I felt sorry for her and offered my own teabag instead which I have extras. That was our first chat, it was very brief. Due to our busy schedule, we hardly bumped into each other again. Occasionally I saw her walked passed my cubicle on her way out for lunch. Then in early 2005, we got acquainted a little better when a close friend who happened to know her invited me to join them with few others for lunch. Since that day onwards, I always look forward for our friday lunch sessions. 
 

A few months later during lunch, she brought up an interesting topic about intimate relationship between two girls in an Indonesian movie, ‘Tentang Dia’. I don't know what made her wanted to discuss about such relationship. Out of curiosity, I bought the VCD to understand what the fuss is all about the movie. A few months after that, I told her about the VCD which made her wanted to borrow. Since she was extremely busy, it took her almost a month to finish as she could only watch privately in the office after work. Sometime in Oct 2005, we got to know our ‘little secrets’. I received email saying the movie reminded her of similar relationship with her best friend. Although she didn't share in detail, I was appalled for a moment with her confession. I didn't expect that coming from her. Since she was willing enough to open up, I replied that I had a similar thing with a girl too. We swore not to tell a soul about each other's secrets. We never did ... it was left as it is and we moved on like there’s nothing else to tell.

In end July 2006, we were the only ones available for lunch as the rest had other plans. I still remember that day. That was The First Time she looked extremely gorgeous wearing beautiful kebaya with high heels and carrying one of a kind wood-crafted handbag. If I had known she would dressed up elegantly, I would have put on my best pants and shirt. Luckily we were color-coordinated and looked compatible in a way. As we were walking towards the carpark, her heels got tangled in between the stone walkway. She held onto my shoulder for support as she was trying to fix them. As I waited for her, there were a group of ladies chilling on the grass lawn watching us. I should've offered my help instead of letting her handle by herself. Once done, we continued walking together as if nothing happened. During that moment I’ve never felt so proud to walk by her side leaving curious onlookers wondering about us. I took her to E-Gate Secret Recipe. That was the first time it was just the two of us and it was then we knew more of each other. When there was nothing left to say, she started talking about her past relationship with her best friend. Towards the end of our meal, I wanted to tell her about mine but don't know where to begin. With the place crowded and noisy with hungry patrons, it made even harder for me to think back what happened more than a decade ago. I could tell from her face that she looked disappointed when I didn't say much about my past, only bits and pieces.

When we came back from lunch, my mind started to wonder about my past. I felt compelled to tell her the whole story after she opened up to me. That weekend, I searched through my personal stuff from archived CDs. I was looking for something I wrote to someone when both of us were studying in UK. After re-format into pdf, I emailed her as I felt too ashamed to talk about it face to face. Since that day onwards, there were a series of email between us, exchanging thoughts of our loved ones. We never stop thinking of them even though we had moved on all these years. We even got to know that we shared the same song. Bryan Adam's Please Forgive Me is the song we dedicated to our loved ones. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we declared it simultaneously. I doubt so but if that were to happen, it would be totally ironic!

I was pleased to finally found someone whom I felt comfortable to open up about myself. It's like searching for someone similar to a soulmate. I felt so ease and certainly at peace. I never had that chance before as I was afraid of rejection once people knew my true self. The thought of knowing someone with similar past made me feel liberated in a way. We took precaution all the time - only communicated through email or office messenger and never discussed in the open. Even when we met along the corridor in the office, we never mention a single word about it. We sort of give each other a look that says, ‘No worries ... I do understand’.

One unexpected day, I found myself falling for her. I don’t know how it happened as we didn't show any signs of affection towards another. However, I do recall a few random ones when we were out with lunch mates. The first one was when all of us were walking in the carpark and she wanted to show how someone tried to hug her. That's when I was caught by surprise when she snugged me from behind. The other incident happened while we were walking in the mall when suddenly she  held my arm to stop me and showed something that caught her eyes. Another time was when she held my hand to get something from my shopping bag. I do recall the time I accidentally touched her hand. It happened when I was about to drive into in a parking space and at the same time, there was another car from behind trying to get into the same spot. She wanted to get out to stop the car but I held her hand to stop her instead. It wasn’t done on purpose, just a reflex reaction as I don’t want her to get into trouble. The closest we've been was when she asked me to touch up her face while getting ready for Commendation Awards Dinner. I was trembling inside being so close to her that night. Although those were just spur at the moment kind of thing, still they could trigger some sort of feelings inside. 

All those times when we shared our past, it never crossed my mind that there could be something between us. Although I love to look into her eyes every time we met, it doesn’t mean that I felt something for her. Nonetheless, I can't deny the fact that she has a certain charm that caught my eyes all the while. I truly admire her self-confidence, compassion and passion in everything she does. She put her heart and soul in pursuing whatever she believes. I was absolutely drawn towards her beautiful character. She inspired me to be a better me. That’s the reason I enjoyed more of her company each day.

I know that having some sort of affection for her is very inappropriate as she trusted me for being a good friend. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have shared her secrets with me. I told myself many times to put it aside but my heart just can’t deny what it feels inside. Last year on her birthday, I made a stupid mistake that totally ruined our beautiful friendship. I got too carried away in my creativity and made her a media slide "about us". She felt very uncomfortable and avoided me ever since. The worst part is that she preferred not to join friday lunch whenever I'm around. I felt so guilty for making her life miserable as I never meant any of that to happen. I tried to sort things out but the opportunity never came about.

Finally in Dec 2006, I emailed to her and confessed about everything. As expected, she was very furious. That time, I had totally crossed the line. We never spoke or saw each other again until my birthday celebration in Jan 2007. I was extremely happy as she finally broke her silence. We briefly acknowledged each other but the words spoken were not meant as they were before. I could never get myself to look into her eyes again as I felt too ashamed for what I did. I truly deserve that as it was my own foolish mistake.

 

Things were never the same again. We had less interaction and obviously we were not as close as we were before. Even when we tried to be friendly, a sense of discomfort made us feel more of a stranger to one another. It was hard to strike a conversation with her. My mind froze and my lips can't say a single word. The worst part was I even contemplated to say 'Hi' to her, thinking that she may not like it. I ended up with nothing to say at all. I felt useless, as if I've lost my ‘charm’. It happened too many times and at some point, I felt totally incompetent to be around her at all. Until today, I still wish that I could comfortably talk to her like I used to. That thought of mine ended up as wishful thinking instead. It was too late ... she's leaving soon.

A year had gone by but I still can’t figure out why it was so hard to let go ... my heart wasn't willing to live a lie. I've passed the cross-road and I chose the wrong path. Though I'm heading nowhere, I'm glad I took the chance of a lifetime. I may not reach my destination but I'm truly blessed for the best times I had throughout the journey. I shall continue this never-ending journey in a new path till I find my true destiny. 

I asked myself before, would I feel something for her even if she didn’t open up to me at all? The answer will still be 'Yes'. My affection towards her has little to do with our secrets, it was more of her personality. I was drawn towards her inner beauty, her beautiful soul captivated my heart. Although ‘This Masquerade’ has come to an end, there were a few stolen moments that I shall never forget - the times when I looked into her eyes. They were the most sincere moments we had. The heart may deny what’s buried deep down inside but the truth lies within the naked eyes. Undeniably, this is truly “An Affair to Remember”.

Lara,

I'm truly sorry for everything … Please Forgive Me

Truly,
JP

Ne Me Quitta Pas
Don't leave me
We must forget
All can be forgotten
That has already passed away
Forget the time
Of misunderstandings
And the time lost
Trying to know "how"
Forget those hours
That sometimes kill
With slaps of "why"
The heart of happiness
Don't leave me (4x)

I will give to you
Pearls made of rain
From countries
Where it never rains
I will work the land
All my life and beyond
To cover your body
With gold and with light
I will make a land
Where love will be king
Where love will be law
Where you will be queen
Don't leave me (4x)

Don't leave me
I will invent, for you
Fanciful words
That you'll understand
I will tell you
About those lovers
Who have twice seen
Their hearts set ablaze
I will tell you
The story of the king
Who died of not having
Ever met you
Don't leave me (4x)

We've often seen
Fire flowing again
From an ancient volcano
Considered too old
It's said that there are
Fire-scorched lands
That yield more wheat
Than the best April
And when evening comes
With a burning sky
The red and the black--
Are they not joined together?
Don't leave me (4x)

Don't leave me
I won't cry anymore
I won't talk anymore
I will hide over there
To watch you
Dance and smile
And to hear you
Sing and then laugh
Let me become
The shadow of your shadow
The shadow of your hand
The shadow of your dog
Don't leave me (4x)

Family, Friends & Femme Fatale

Recently a friend of mine, a free-lancer and a blogger published a photo of her work space at home. It looks so simple and very conducive to work. Her perfume gallery is neatly displayed on the wall rack above the work space. Only essential things are placed on the table with a few personal touch of photo display to lighten up the place. Compared to my work space in the office, it’s totally the opposite. I’ve got all sorts of stuff hanging around my cubicle. They’re mainly stuffed toys and souvenirs from family and friends. There are also a few cute ones I bought for display purpose. One might wonder whether I'm working for Toys 'R' Us :)

Among the stuff I bought, I love the brown magnetic bear the most. It has 5 magnets embedded in its body and you can stick it whichever way you want. I initially bought one for my friend to stick a thank you note for taking care of my baby cactus whenever I was away for training or holiday. Since it’s so cute, I bought one for myself too. My next favorite thing I bought is the Grey Tatty Bear. I had to go to a number of shops before I could find these adorable bears. Though they’re actually old stuff, I managed to scrub through their stock to get the best looking ones. I bought 3 and gave the other 2 to Baby and Darling. Tatty Bear reminds me of how close the 3 of us used to be and that’s the main reason behind it.

Next in the list is the collection of toy cars from Shell. The 5 red ones displayed in a row are the recent collection. There’re another 2 cars located under the monitor, a red Ferrari and a yellow Porsche which my Dad bought 13 years ago. They have a metal body and look more authentic than the red collection ones which are made of plastics. The ‘N’ crystal hanging around the koala bear are actually hand phone keychain made of Swarovski crystal. I bought ‘N’ for myself, ‘A’ for Mum, ‘Z’ for my aunt, ‘S’ for Baby and another ‘S’ for "Elle Dee". Mum and "Elle Dee" attached to their phones while my aunt hanged to her handbag. I also bought an extra ‘S’ to hang under my car rear view mirror, next to the customized metal pendant with my name. Until today, I still can’t figure out why I hang it next to my name, the significance is still unknown.

The red ribbon was given to me during AIDS memorial event in 2005. It was the first social event I was invited which was truly an eye-opener to me. The blue star was taken from my birthday gift bag earlier this year. The cute Mr. Bean bear and the skeleton figure in the red socks are part of the stuff I bought last year Christmas. The cream-colored bear wearing ‘tutu’ is a gift from Hanie in 2006. The red & yellow deflated rubber with glitters used to be a ‘stress ball’ I bought from Motorola Young Enterprise sale a few months ago. It was filled with flour and somehow got too ‘stressed’ out a few weeks ago. I didn’t squeeze it a lot as I find that it looks better as a décor instead. The glitter pattern is very unique and abstract - caught my eyes the moment I saw it!

The cactus is a gift from my ex-boss from her trip to Cameron Highlands 2 years ago. The red plastic bottle is to squirt water on the cactus every morning. My cactus has a few baby growing all over it’s body and it looks like the shape of a cute teddy bear with its butt stuck into the pot and giving ‘the finger’!! :)

The wooden Totem-Pole figure is a gift from 7 Habits training and it is called a talking stick in one of the activities. The rest of the stuffed toys are gifts from family. The glass frame with Siti Nurhaliza photo beside the cactus used to be Ambi Pur air-freshener. To spice up the place, I hung a few ‘femme fatale’ photos taken from cosmetics, jewelry and lingerie brochure. As a final touch, there’s a photo display of my mum and aunt with the poem I made especially for mother’s day. I place it up above all so that my eyes will look at it every time I lean back on my chair for short breaks.

My work space may be cluttered in certain places but it does create a good ambience. I have all the necessities surrounding me for great inspiration - a personal touch of Family, Friends and Femme Fatale.

Getting Past M11

A few days ago there was a review with Senior Director from US. Although presentation on all program status only involved Program Leads, the rest of the Program Managers were required to participate in the session. When things got a little heavy, my mind started to wander elsewhere for awhile. I was using M-Gate as an analogy to relationship. M-Gate is a Corporate Tool that Program Managers use to manage program deliverables based on committed date. Main purpose is to track key deliverables per program checklists for every phase - M15 (Project Initiation), M11 (Commitment), M7 (Commitment Reaffirmed), M3 (Product Ship Acceptance), M2 (Regional Ship Acceptance) & M0 (End of Life). After the review session, I started to think about the similarity between project phases and relationship.

Based on my understanding, I would say that M15 is the initial phase of a relationship (Casual Dates), M11 is where we commit to build a stronger relationship (Couple), M7 is where we reaffirm our commitment to each other (Engagement), M3 is the big day (Wedding), M2 is possibly starting a family (Kids) and M0 can either be eternal love (Till Death do us part) or separate ways (Divorce). Having defined those phases, I would say that all my relationships never reach M11 as some of the M-Gate checklists (relationship basis) were not met. When this happened, the Program Manager (myself) is likely to be blamed for not managing the program well.

That is true in most cases but sometimes it’s not. An example is the Project Scope (type of relationship) wasn’t clearly defined during Project Initiation stage (casual outings). All my programs (relationships) never reach M11 (Commitment), there's always a Change in Scope (new expectation or change of heart) which eventually delays program delivery. One is allowed to change their mind but if it happened too frequently, there's something wrong in the way the Program (relationship) is being managed.

Based on the lessons learnt in my past relationships, the main factor that contribute to the failure to reach M11 and beyond is Communication. We're not aligned with each other. Being open is crucial in any relationship and that is something that we failed to comply. I always assumed she wants something without fully understand her needs and misinterpreted her reactions. I realized that not all of them came to me for some sort of comfort. Some basically need attention or affection for that particular moment to get over a certain phase. Once the phase is over, I’m no longer needed and that important message wasn’t clearly relayed to me. Another weakness I noticed is that I tend to go overboard, thinking that I should be giving more of everything and that’s where misunderstanding occurs. I need to further enhance my skills on Assumptions.

The only way to get past M11 is to listen effectively and act accordingly. Being open about everything would definitely help me to make better assumptions and manage the risks appropriately. If I can’t proceed M11 in my 'current' relationship, I’m not sure if I'm capable of managing a 'new' one.

I’m willing to go to the next phase if we’re ready to open up to each other. All we need is commitment ... I'll be ready if you are. There's no doubt that it is a big risk but with careful planning, we could manage our program efficiently, perhaps ultimately towards Flawless Launch.

XOXO

Secret Crush

Her name is Marzie, I knew her while pursuing A-Level program. She was a MUCIA student. We both studied at PPP/ITM Seksyen 17 and stayed in Seksyen 18. The first time I saw her was during hostel orientation week in 1990. Among the crowd, she and her three other beautiful friends caught my attention. She's very fair with long black hair, looks like a bollywood beauty when she smiles. She's so stunning!!. During the last orientation night, everyone had to perform on stage. My team chose to sing and dance to "Pretty Woman" and my eyes just can't stop looking at her while on stage. Few weeks later I found her room, facing mine at the opposite block. Her room is visible from my balcony and kitchen window. She was rarely around. The only time I could catch a glimpse of her was at night.

I don't know why but I wanted to get to know her. However I don't have the courage to approach her, felt nervous whenever she's around. Late one night when everyone was asleep, I decided to leave a note under her door, signed off with the name “Phantom”. I can’t remember what was written but it was a simple note of compliments. Sent a few but none was replied. It was a bad idea, I pushed the wrong button and scared her away instead. She moved to the top floor at different entrance.

My second attempt was during Valentine’s Day in 1991. Instead of customised Valentine Card, I made her a Garfield figure out of foam, decorated with colored-paper and outlined with marker. He was holding a pink heart with a message “Be My Valentine”. That was one of the creative talents I had in those days. She was surprised to see me in front of her room that night with a 3ft Garfield staring at her. When I briefly said that it was meant as a gift, she smiled and complimented me for being creative. Her kind words played in my mind the whole night. That was our first chat, a very brief one. Since then, I felt more confident to approach her. Although we may not exchange a lot of words but her sweet smile was good enough for me.

The 2nd time I went to her room was when promoting my selection of mini roll-on perfumes. Her friends invited me in and ‘interrogated’ me for a while. She must have confided in them about my interest in her. I don’t feel awkward, just interested to get to know them as well. They offered me a drink which I doubt it was "water" but I politely declined. Before I left, she ordered fruity scent perfume, apple flavor. When A-Level exam was finally over in 1992, I wanted to see her for the last time but she already left as her exam break started earlier. So, I made her a mix tape of songs and left in her mailbox. They're mostly RnB songs and Masterpiece by Atlantic Starr is definitely one of them. I'm not sure if the tape finally reached her.

After 15 years, I found her again through Friendster. She's lovely as ever. Only now I know she loves cats and collects miniature perfume. That explains why she loves the Garfield figure I made her and bought the roll-on perfume. Perhaps I managed to charm her in some ways. I'm glad I did those things even though she may not recall them.

Happy Birthday Marzie … among the Beautiful Girls that I’ve known, you are the Masterpiece of all.

M - Masterpiece describes her Beauty … she's so Lovely

A - Affectionate in her own way

R - Romance runs in her Soul … her words are a touch of gold

Z - Zest drives her to quest for only the best

I - Irresistible … Adorable … Desirable

E - Ecstatic smile ... such an Elegant style

XOXO

Thinking of You

It was my friend’s birthday a few days ago, Eina, who was my A-Level roommate. She is pretty and very thoughtful when it comes to birthdays. She never misses any of her friend's birthday, including mine. For the past 15 years, I would either receive a card, an email or a simple sms greeting early in the morning. This is the kind of gesture that I treasure the most - life's simple pleasure. There was one occasion she made a card herself. It was during our 2nd year. I was extremely happy as I’ve never received such a thoughtful gift from anyone. It was beautifully decorated with cute sparkling stars and creatively written in golden ink.

Wish I still have it so that I could proudly show her how much it meant to me. I had it until about 5 years ago when I stayed temporarily in another house. The card with other personal stuff I kept safely in a shoe box were gone when I moved back. No one seems to know what happened or who kept them. I felt like part of me was missing. Until today it is still a mystery - unresolved case of X-File! It’s very touching to know someone who cares for me in a way that I've never imagine. I don't recall any misunderstanding between us during the 2 years we were together as roommates. We had so much fun, lots of laughter and no tears. She's the sweetest friend that I've known. We still keep in touch even though she already have a family. I may have lost the card she made but I will never loose her as my friend. That's a promise. 

My dear Eina … 

Though we're miles away or worlds apart 

Our friendship will keep us close in our hearts. 

I will always love you.

*Ex-mate*

No More Drama

Seven years ago when I have less friends in the office life was less complicated. I only have friends outside of work, just a few of us hanging out for some fun once in a while. In those days, I don't worry about who I should be pleasing except myself. I’m not being self-centered but that’s what I felt then. Sad only when I was thinking about my past, stressed only when resolving work issues and extremely happy when good old friends came down for a visit. Other than that, life was good and very much simpler then. I go wherever I wish and do whatever I desire. Nobody cares to question me. As long as I don’t get others pissed off to get my work done, then it’s a good thing.

Nowadays, if anyone in the office saw me doing things out of the ordinary, they would not only speak among themselves but spread the word around. Don’t need a network for that, there’s a human wireless broadband in the office that does a wonderful job. It’s human nature to be curious with everything, especially things not related to them. The peculiar thing is that the same goes even when I did something nice for them. They question your intention, not only words but their reaction said so. Doing something nice doesn’t mean I’m expecting something in return. I feel good when seeing a smile upon their faces. Isn’t that’s what friends do? Perhaps I’m not accustomed to the concept of friendship, the dos and the don’ts. Either I tend to go overboard or being too insensitive to their needs. Makes me wonder if they're faking all the while. If a nice gesture isn’t enough, I’m not sure what is.

When I care too much, I hurt myself. When I care less about them, they feel hurt. What happen if I don’t care at all? Do either of us get hurt? I can’t satisfy everyone, no one can. If doing things for them is not a good thing anymore, perhaps I should start doing my own things for a change. No more being overly sensitive to their needs. It’s time to think about myself, my priorities and prerogatives. Sorry Sisters, this time I’m doing things For Myself!

I Hear Voices ...

There’s a voice in my head

Telling me to be Strong 

Things do go Wrong 

There’s a voice in my head 

Telling me to take Control 

Over Body, Mind and Soul 

There’s a voice in my head 

Telling me to Change 

No more acting Strange 

There’s a voice in my head 

Telling me to Forgive 

There’s only one Life to Live 

There’s a voice in my head 

Telling me to Forget 

No Fret or even Regret 

There’s a voice in my head 

Telling me not to Wait 

For it may be too Late 

There’s a voice in my head 

Telling me to Strive 

All it takes is a Will to Survive

The "Secret"

Lately I feel so stressed out with my work issues. I have difficulty to share with any friend of mine as I was afraid of upsetting them instead. So I cried alone but was caught by a close friend. Glad it was her as she knows me well. She found me in the same situation early last year when things got a bit tensed between us. In fact, it was her sweet words that brought us back together. Her comforting words always put a smile on my face. Thanks Baby !!

So I decided to do some soul searching, I was looking for some references to the book “Secret” which is highly recommended by a colleague. I wanted to change myself to be a better person in tough situations. Since I don't quite like reading, I decided to read the review and grasp the key message before made the purchase. After a few days of searching in thousands of links related to the word “secret”, I came across many unrelated topics, including this beautiful poem that caught my attention. It's entitled “It’s Now or Never, Forever”. I've read that poem before in my friend's blog, the same person who recommended the book “Secret”. What a coincidence!! The word “secret” link back to her. Come to think of it, we shared some secrets that no one knows. After days of soul searching, the search of “secret” ended up linking to her unexpectedly. Totally ironic, it's it?

Wonder if there's any secret message hidden behind this strange encounter. This is either the creepiest moment in my life or I'm being haunted by bad memories of her. Deja Vu!! Nope ... never again. I'm not willing to go through another round of emotional stress with sleepless nights. My search to look for "The Secret" stopped there.

It's Now or Never, Forever
The silence between us is deafening as can be,

Our emotions tossed to and fro like the waves of the sea,
A longing to be seen, a need to be heard,
But we pass by each other without saying a word.

A seed of friendship planted within our hearts,
But how can it blossom if we remain far apart?
I long to trespass the barriers of your mind,
To discover the thoughts you've harboured all this time.

Truly, all it takes is one word from either of us,
To penetrate the fortress of this impregnable curse,
Of being so near and yet always so far,
To move one step closer from where we now are.

The distance between us smothers our souls,
Weariness of the heart is taking its toll,
The only potent cure from this death-threatening cold,
Is the warmth emitted by friendship's welcoming glow.

Like a flickering flame of a candle burning dim,
The future for us looks hopelessly grim,
Destined to be strangers for the rest of our lives,
We never said, "Hello" and there will be no goodbyes.

Is this the way things were meant to be?
That you would always be "you" and I would always be "me"?
Perhaps we can argue that is it for the best,
That this human element is not put to the test.

Knowing full well that we may never cross paths again,
If our friendship ended even before it began,
For it is ultimately up to us to choose,
If this opportunity is one we are willing to lose.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step,
Should secrets be revealed or forever be kept?
Out of fear of rejection and the risk of loss,
Are we not willing to bear the cost?

Watch the sands of time trickling in the hourglass,
Very soon the present will become the past,
Each and every moment passes by so fast,

"How long will we wait?" is the question we must ask.

Written by Marianne Liaw Sook Huei of Kuala Lumpur

If Love is Cinta ...

If Love is Cinta ... 

Why my life tak tentu hala 

Everything looks membabi buta 

Anything I do semuanya tak kena! 

If Love is Cinta ... 

Why my vision gelap-gelita 

Are my eyes becoming buta? 

Someone … tolong suluhkan cahaya 

If Love is Cinta ... 

Why my ears cannot hear apa-apa 

Not a single word … mahupun irama 

Something ain't right … aku rindukan suaranya 

If Love is Cinta ... 

Why my lips sukar berbicara 

Tongue-tied or inspirasi sudah tiada 

Anyone … kembalikan kata-katanya 

If Love is Cinta ... 

Why my heart feels sengsara 

The emptiness tersangatlah ketara 

Somebody … ubatilah rasa kecewa 

If Love is Cinta ... 

Why my senses hilang peka 

Nothing can be seen, heard or berkata 

Anybody … apakah maksudnya ? 

XOXO

My Baby & Me

I met Baby in Jan 2004 when started my role as MOL Team Lead. One of the responsibilities is to ensure my subordinates submitted Time Sheet to track total hours spent on assigned tasks. Since the tool is very new to me I needed hands-on guide and that’s how I met Baby. She was an admin assigned to assist some of the Corporate Tools used in Program Management Office. She would gladly come over to my place whenever I have issues with Time Sheet. She’s very patience and showed every single step to ensure that I fully understand. Sometimes she would leave a sticky note at my place if I’m not around for the hands-on session. Since then we frequently have casual chat and email each other beautiful thoughts and funny stuff. Though we were not fully acquainted, there’s something about her attracted my attention - the way she talk, her caring words and her sweet smile always brightens up my day. It was just months after that she started to call me ‘Baby’ and I did the same too. Not sure why we did that, maybe it was just for fun.

We got closer a year later when I joined Program Management Office in Feb 2005. I spent a lot of time with her to understand various tools to use in daily tasks to manage programs. Since she was such a great help, I offered to treat her lunch in return for her kindness. Being modest, she always declined and said it was just part of her job. I bought her chocolates instead since she loves them so much. That was when I started to shower her with small gifts, from chocolates to cute stuffed toys to show how much I appreciate her although she never ask for any of it. I just love to see her smile and make her happy. At times, I would return her favor by sharing information she needed in her daily tasks. Sometimes when tired or too bored in the office, we would play around each other’s words and flirt through either YM or office messenger. We just love to tease each other in a fun way. The more I got to know her, the more I like being with her. Her soft spoken words and cheery mood always put my troubles away.

Sometimes people wondered why we like to spent time together. It's either she came to my cubicle or I went to hers. We would always have something to talk about no matter how busy we were, sort of reminding each other’s daily tasks. I don’t actually care what people think, as long as I completed my work and had a chance to spend time with my baby then that’s all that matters. She can always depend on me anytime and vice versa. She even backed me up when someone tried to belittle me. We always have each other’s back and never let each other down. Whenever we go for trainings or team-building activities we would always stay close. Sometimes even though we sat next to one another, we still message each other just for fun. The first time I bought her a real gift was for her birthday in 2005. I got her an Elle Watch and made a personalized card with poem based on her initials. I also made a CD songs compilation from her initials. She was very touched and extremely happy with all the things I did to make her feel extra special on her birthday.

Months after that, I stayed back frequently to accompany her till late evenings. That was when we were more open to share personal stuff. One night I told her about my past. Although she was shocked at first to know about my dark secrets, she still accept me just as I am. She doesn't judge me. Instead, she treated me as her close companion. Sometime in Dec 2005, she had to work extra hours till 9pm. I felt sorry for her having to work alone every night. Hence, I stayed back with her so that she will not feel all alone. That was when we started to spend more time at night. I would be doing my work and occasionally checked on her if she needed anything. We always parked our cars near to one another every morning so that when we walked back late at night into the empty carpark we would not be alone. The carpark lighting was still okay but the street lighting outside was very bad. In fear of her safety, I would wait for her car to go out first and followed closely from behind. Towards the end of Dec I had to clear my leave. Since I couldn’t let her stay back alone, I accompanied her at night via YM. Whenever she felt like having someone to chat or needed help, I'll Be There to assist her. I even send her songs to keep her company. I was her DJ-Nazty. At times, I reminded her to eat as she tend to get carried away when too caught up with work. When it was time to go home, I told her to get someone to accompany her to the carpark. I always care for her safety.

When I came back to the office early next year, she was on medical leave. She had gastric after frequently skipped dinner when stayed back alone. That wouldn’t have happened if I was there to take care of her. She felt pain at times and lost her appetite. Seeing how tired she looked, I offered to take her to work and send her back home until she’s fully recovered. Soon after that she doesn't have to stay back at night anymore. Even so, we still go back together after work in the evenings like we used to. We would agreed on a specific time and walked down together before went separate ways at the carpark. We enjoyed every single moment together. That year was the first time I bought her a Valentine Gift which was an Estee Lauder Chance Perfume. Just like her birthday last year, I also made a personalized card with special poem together with selected songs in CD to show how much she meant to me. As always, she was extremely happy with such special gift.

In early Mar 2006, we stopped going back together as she had plans with other colleagues after work. At first, I didn’t suspect anything as I thought she wanted to spend more time with them instead. Then I realized that she also stopped coming to my place for our casual chat. Initially I thought it was due to her busy schedule but I was wrong. She even looked away whenever walked passed me. I asked if there's something I did to upset her. She said there’s nothing wrong, just wanted to be more independent instead of relying too much on me. I was disappointed when she asked me not to accompany her anymore in the evenings. I was surprised as I’ve never seen her that way before. So I kept my distance and gave her space.

It was only days later I saw her walking home with a Guy from the Engineering team. That’s when I knew the reason why she wanted to be left alone. If only she told me the truth, I would definitely understand and never felt that dejected. Since that day, I avoided her and stopped looking at her place like I used to. I was mainly angry with myself for not being able to put my personal feelings aside whenever I got close with someone. All those times when we’re together, she made me felt special as if I’ve found someone who love just to hang around with me. Now that she finally found her someone, I was Invisible to her. The whole thing reminded me of similar incident many years ago. It happened twice before and now it’s like seeing the history repeats itself over and over again. Once bitten, twice shy … three times showed that I’m just plain stupid when it comes to relationship. I’ve never learn my lesson. I should never start anything from the beginning even when she called me “Baby” for the very first time. I shouldn't have been too close to her. Now I can’t even get her out of my head. Those harmless flirts between us has turned into nasty hurt.

No matter how much I tried to hide, I can’t live with a lie lingering inside. I'm So Sick of going through another round of emotional ride. I just had to let her know. It was on the night of Mar 9, 2006 I sent sms to confess that I have feelings for her. Maybe it's not love, perhaps some sort of affection for her. As expected, she didn’t respond. I must’ve freaked her out with my confession. Despite feeling a bit petrified, I was ready to face whatever awaits me the following day. An unexpected incident took place the next evening when leaving office. I took a different route out of the office to avoid bumping into her. Somehow she caught a glimpse of me before we reached the security post. She was ahead of me, about 20m apart. From time to time, she looked at me while approaching the exit. I can’t really tell from the look on her face. I felt uneasy as she never kept looking at me that way before. When I passed by her as she waited outside, she looked as if she wanted to say something but the words won’t come out. I’m not sure what exactly she wanted to say but her eyes looked very sad. Seeing her that way makes me feel like I never want to Let Her Go. I would never forget the look on her face when I left her that day ... it stayed fresh in my mind until today. It doesn’t take that long before we finally broke our silence. Hours later at night we briefly sms each other to apologize for what happened. Next day I told her that it was all my fault as I misled myself from beginning into thinking that we had something. It was all down to me, I Want It That Way and she did nothing wrong. All she ever did was being a good friend whenever I needed her. I guess we can’t stay mad at each other for too long as it’s just too painful for both of us. We rather get along and move on from there. What I wanted her to Really Know is that she will always be My Baby for as long as she needed me. I bought us a pair of Tatty Bear to remind that incident. No matter what happened between us, our friendship will forever remain strong.

What amazes me the most about My Baby is that she treated me the same as others although she knows that I’m gay. In fact, it was her kind words that got us back together as friends. In a way, my confession has taken us to the next level of trust. We tend to be more open and understand of each other. That’s the reason why I can’t keep my distance from her. She's my companion, the one who truly understand me and I trust her with all my heart. Perhaps that’s why I still can’t resist showering her with gifts from time to time. It’s true, there’s something about My Baby that always drives me crazy and it will remain a mystery. This is not like any other Love Story ... this is the Story of My Baby and Me.

We = MyBaby + Me

Four Weddings & A Funeral

Last weekend I decided to watch Four Weddings & A Funeral. The first time I watched this movie was 13 years ago with my housemate, Ita when we were studying in Liverpool. At that time, we were still in good terms. It was a movie treat for helping her. I said it wasn’t necessary but she insisted. Plus, it was the first time someone treated me for a movie. What's so wonderful about this movie that I could watched it again & again after so many years? It’s the fact that one will do or say foolish things just to find that perfect someone.

The story is about Charles (Hugh Grant), who's afraid to commit in any kind of relationship finally falls for Carrie (Andie MacDowell). For some reason, they always end up meeting at weddings. One day Charles finally took the courage to confess how much he loves her. However, it was too late as she was already engaged and planned to get married. They got separated and it was one fateful day that brought them back together again - at Charles’s wedding day. Seeing her again made him confused especially when he knew about her failed marriage. He finally decided to follow his heart instead of marrying someone he doesn’t even love. Despite the fact that he made a fool of himself with his confession, it gave him something wonderful in return - his true love. The last scene was when they met after the wedding was called off. For the first time in his life, Charles uttered every single word perfectly to get her back into his life. 

It took them 4 weddings to finally be together. I wonder how long it will take me to find that special someone. My 1st was someone that I was never meant to be with. I misunderstood our friendship and I wanted something more that she could ever give. The 2nd one left me hanging without a word, not even a goodbye. Probably it was for the best but even after so many years, I’m still hoping that she will come back someday. I confessed my true feelings to the 3rd one a year ago but she insisted that we’re to remain as just friends. No matter how much I tried to put my feelings aside, she kept making me falling for her from time to time. We're still good friends now. The 4th one is very unclear. I’m getting mixed signals and it's keeping me in the dark all the time. Not sure how I would go about this time. Only time will tell. I'm longing for somebody out there who will hear me say these beautiful words someday - “I’ve loved you from the first second I met you”.

XOXO

My Baby ...

Dear B'Day GiRL ...

You lost one side and I lost the other ... 

We now have a matching pair that brings us closer together ...

XOXO

Diamonds are Forever ...

D - Diamonds are not only a Girl’s Best Friend

I - It is a Symbol of friendship … an indication that we blend

A - Although we may not be Soul Mates

M - My Heart insist to wait … it is just our Fate

O - Of all the things that I’ve Said and Done

N - None can deny you could be The One

D - Diamonds are definitely forever but …

S - Sharon My Baby … our Friendship lasts Forever & Ever

XOXO

Tell Me Baby ...

The Time we spend is very precious

Some may say it looks conspicuous 

Tell me Baby … is it fictitious? 

Money is definitely not everything 

Life without Love is basically nothing 

Tell me Baby … what’s the ultimate thing? 

Love makes things possible 

At times it becomes unreasonable 

Tell me Baby … is ours questionable? 

Life is senseless without soul mate 

Whoever it may be is worth to wait 

Tell me Baby … do you believe in fate? 

You insist that “Diamond is Forever” 

I rather say “Friendship is Forever” 

Tell me Baby ... is ours Forever or “Whatever”? 

Happy Ending do exist in reality 

Occasionally some end in fatality 

Tell me Baby … is ours full of uncertainty? 

Some relationship goes up another scale 

Unfortunate ones end up in frail 

Tell me Baby … is ours just a Fairytale?

What will it be ...

"To Wait or to Leave is the individual's choice 

To Want or to Have is ultimately the heart’s voice" 

- Jacques Pierre ® -

Love Hurts but Life Hurts more when I'm not with Y.O.U. 

XOXO

Things About ME ...

There’s Something about Me 

Not Everyone can See 

Only a certain S.H.E. 

Knows those ‘Things’ about Me 

There’s Nothing about Me 

Anyone would like to be 

I’m just plain Nazty 

Nobody else I’d rather Be 

There’s Everything about Me 

I wish I could make them See 

That day will only be 

When I’m no longer Me 

Is there Anything about Me 

Y.O.U. never wish to See 

Talk to me … Show me … 

Help me to see Me 

XOXO

Forgive me My Dear ...

What’s that one thing we should never do to a friend in need? Leave them alone without even trying to help. That’s what I did yesterday and I felt like a jerk! After lunch yesterday, I went to the restroom. As soon as the door opened, I was surprised to see a good friend of mine by herself and in tears. There was no one else, just me and her. Her work issues seems to be the cause of her tears. I asked if I could help her in anyway but she briefly said she needed a good cry. From the look on her face, she needed more than that. I wish I could be that someone she can turn to for whatever reason. But I can't as I had to keep my distance due to our recent misunderstandings. I felt reluctant to leave her alone as she needed someone to be there with her. My conscience says she needed to be left alone but my heart says otherwise. Afraid of complicating our situation, I reluctantly excused myself and left her alone. That was the most insensitive thing I've ever done to anyone!! The worst part is that I didn’t even try to talk to her.

When I reached my cubicle, I couldn't think or concentrate on anything. I was disappointed with myself for leaving her without even trying to help. Seriously, what’s the worst thing that could happen? She may get upset with me for making things even worst between us but at least it would help to release all of her emotions. I don’t mind being her ‘punching bag’ as long as she feels better. The pain would remind me to be more sensitive towards other's misery.

In fear of losing what's left of our friendship, I sms to say how deeply sorry I was and will try to help her in anyway. If she reply, I would instantly run back to her. Unfortunately, there's no response. I started to feel worried and restless. I decided to check on her and pledged to comfort her by putting aside our misunderstanding just for that moment. To my dismay, someone else was already there to console her. I was like 10 minutes too late to make things right. Although I was glad to see her smile again but deep down inside, I was disappointed for not being the one who washed away her tears. Now, I'm the one holding back mine. 

My dear ... 

I’m truly sorry for being so insensitive. Please give me another chance to prove I'm still worthy of being your friend.

Take care … 

XOXO

Man Propose, God Dispose

April 25, 1997 was the day my beloved Dad passed away. I was not there by his side during his last moments as he was in Mecca with Mum for Haj. It happened on Friday afternoon, the last few days before both of them were to return home. A few hours prior to that, he was having a chat with Mum. Mum said there was no indication at all that he would be leaving us. Only about an hour before Asar prayer, he started complaining to his roommates about having chest pain and sudden difficulty to breathe. Mum was called immediately and reached there in time and assisted him to Shahadah until his final breath. She witnessed the whole incident - it happened so fast and painlessly. I was at home alone on Friday night when Mum called. Before the shocking news, I was in a holiday mood - took the following week off to welcome them back home. That particular week turned out to be the longest week ever as I waited in pain for Mum to return home - Alone! True what my Dad used to say - “Man Propose, God Dispose”. 

Even though I didn’t get to see him before his demise, he ‘visited’ me in my dream, a few days before that depressing day. In my dream, I was taking a bus ride somewhere in UK, admiring the beautiful countryside when all of a sudden, the bus stopped. My Dad stepped in and stood a few steps away from me. He was wearing a white robe, the same one he did for Haj. I was taken by surprised as to why he was there since he was supposed to be in Mecca. The whole thing was so weird. I don’t remember seeing the bus driver or any other passenger except myself and Dad. Even the bus ride itself doesn’t make sense at all since I was already back home in Penang at that time. I asked Dad why he was there and where he was going. He didn’t say a word but only smiled at me. I wanted to hug him as I missed him so much but I just can’t get myself to move at all. I don’t remember how the dream ended. Wherever the bus stopped or the journey ended, it would definitely be a pleasant one for Dad. 

If only I knew that would be the last memory of Dad, I would have taken control of my dream to give him something that I seldom do - a big hug! Until today, I regretted very much for not hugging him as much as I should have when he was still around. Not because I don’t want to but I just don’t know why. One thing for sure, whenever I close my eyes, I can see him smiling at me and that’s exactly how I will remember him. 

Here’s looking at you Dad …XOXO

It's A Sin

I met Az when started Form Four in a boarding school. We were in the same class. We sat separately in most classes except in biology. We stayed in the same dormitory at the top floor with Form One and the rest of Form Four freshies. My bed was the 1^st one by the window while hers was the 3^rd in the same row. We got along very well from the beginning. She’s very smart, pretty and likeable by everyone - juniors, seniors and also the teachers. I can’t really say that we’re very close but we do know a little about each other.

She sensed that I’m interested in girls rather than the guys. Probably because I was more friendly towards them and seldom talk to the guys in school. One night I wasn’t in the mood to revise when it was only halfway through the prep session. I couldn’t concentrate as I kept thinking of someone from my old school and continuously scribbled her name on the newspaper covering the dining table. She was sitting across me and noticed that I looked distracted. She saw the girl’s name written all over the paper and asked me what’s wrong. I didn’t say anything, just shook my head and continued to scribble whatever comes to my mind. When the bell rang, I didn’t stop. I don’t feel like doing anything and wanted to be left alone. Seeing me behaving that way, she pat my hand, persuaded me to stop and followed her back to our dorm. As a friend, I could say that she cares about me in some ways.

I don’t remember exactly when but something happened between us that year. One weekend there were only a few of us left in our dorm as the rest went back home. That night after I came back from watching late movie in the common room downstairs, I saw her and other juniors having a good laugh. They were talking about family matters, school stuff, ghost stories and even gossips around school. Seeing how much fun they were having, I decided to join them instead of lying on my bed. I went to sit on her bed since the juniors were sitting on the empty bed next to her. Sometimes after past midnight, the juniors went back to their bed while I continued talking to her. I don’t remember what we talked about, probably just random stuff.

Not long after, we felt tired but not sleepy yet. I wanted to go back to my bed but she asked me to sleep with her since I was the only one left at the other side of the dorm. We continued talking and soon she fell asleep. Hours later I still can’t sleep as I’m not used to have someone sleep beside me. I was too scared to go back to my bed after hearing the ghost stories. So I just close my eyes and tried to sleep. After a while, I heard the sound of her sweater zip being pulled down slowly. It probably stopped midway as I didn’t hear the snap sound. I thought she was feeling warm and wanted to open up the sweater a bit but I was wrong. Suddenly I felt her hand holding mine and put inside her sweater. She was not wearing anything at all, not even a bra. As she placed my hand on her breast, I felt her nipple against my palm. Then she slowly squeezed my hand on her breast to massage. I was stunned when that happened. Was she having some sort of a wild dream? Was she longing for someone to touch her? My mind was all over the place and my heart was racing as it felt uncomfortable. I was too scared to open my eyes to see if she was awake or asleep. After a while, she stopped squeezing and left my hand on her chest. I wanted to pull my hand right away but was afraid she would knew that I was still awake. I was too scared to even move, so I laid still for as long as I could. I was hoping she would move or turn her body slightly so that my hand would stay off her but she didn’t. She was lying on her back while I kept still on my left facing her with both eyes tightly shut. Both of us laid still until the call of the morning prayer was heard. That was when she pushed my hand away and zipped up her sweater. I waited for her to leave the dorm before I went back to my bed. I vaguely remember what happened after that as I was still in shocked about the incident.

I wanted to talk to her openly and sort between us. I was curious to know if she had some sort of feelings after knowing that I'm into girls. However, she never confronted me for what happened that night. She kept her distance and avoided me. She even looked away whenever we're in the same room. She always had that disgusting look on her face when I’m around. Within days, others in school started to talk about the incident. She must’ve confided in someone about it. Our classmates, juniors and seniors hate the sight of me. Even my close mate Asha said she felt disgusted with what I've done. One day I was called up by the School Counselor but can’t recall much of what was discussed in the session. All I remembered was myself crying after being warned the possibility of drop out of school for my indecent behaviour. It was her words against mine. Obviously, she’s likeable by everyone with her charms whereas I’m just me, a tomboy and it was very hard to defend for myself. Luckily, I was given verbal warning instead. Although I felt so relieved for not being expelled, I could not understand why everyone believed she was the victim. Why can't anyone see there's a possibility that I could also be the victim? What if she was using me for her own pleasure instead? No one will ever know because they refused to believe anything I said. I felt like an outsider or the rejects from the Mean Girls movie. The thought of having everyone hates you is really depressing. Sometimes it got me stressed out just thinking about the whole ordeal.

Late one night it was raining outside. I was restless as I couldn't sleep. So I went for a walk to clear my head. I walked aimlessly, went all the way down to the ground floor and then went up to the top and continued along the corridor. I finally stopped just before the bathroom at the other end. I purposely stood there as the area was dark so that no one could see me. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Not long after that I saw someone walking up the stairs to the top floor and continued along the corridor. From far I could see it was my mate Ayu, who was in a different class. Her dorm was the last one which is beside where I was standing. I quickly looked away as I thought she would just ignored me like the rest of them. To my surprise, she came towards me and asked what I was doing there by myself. I didn’t say much and just kept quiet. She stood there watching me staring blankly into the dark. Then she asked if I was alright. The moment she said that, tears started to well up in my eyes. That was the first time someone asked how I was doing after being cast aside by everyone I knew. As I looked at my hands fiddling with the pouring rain, I kept saying “it’s a sin”. Seeing how distraught I was, she asked me to go back instead of standing there by myself. I wanted to be left alone but she kept asking me to go back and sleep as it was already hours past midnight. After much persuasion, I finally went back to my dorm.

Since that night, I noticed things slightly changed. Some of my mates slowly started to acknowledge me and occasionally a few of them talked to me. Maybe it had something to do with that night when I was having some “thoughts”. Ayu could have told the rest and it was only then they realized the state that I was in. I was lucky she came over and talked to me. She saved me from whatever I thought of doing that night. Only God knows what was going on in my head and what might have happened if she wasn’t there to console me.

The following year, things went back to normal as if it was a brand new start for me and Az. Though she seemed to be okay being around me, I took precaution all the time and tried not to get too close to her. It was very hard to tell if she was pretending. Later that year, she started to hang around with a mate from another class who is also a tomboy. Seeing her being cozy with someone like me makes me wonder if she actually likes her or just using her like she did to me. If she's trying to make me jealous then I don't really care what she does with anyone since I don't have feelings for her at all. Even my close mate Asha questioned her intention and reminded her about what happened between us last year. I was glad someone finally sensed that I may not be the only one to blame for that "incident". If she likes being cozy that way, there's a possibility that she wanted someone to touch her. Since I was already there by her side, she could have used me to please her that night. If she opened up to me and talked about it I would definitely understand because life was very complicated at that age. If only I went back to sleep in my own bed, none of this would have happened. Whatever it was, only God knows what actually happened that night and why. All I know is both of us have sinned and we're equally to be blamed.

If These Walls Could …

If these walls could Talk … 

They would speak of beautiful words about you 

If these walls could See … 

They would treasure every single glance I get from looking into your beautiful eyes 

If these walls could Feel … 

They would sense the warm feelings whenever I’m with you 

If these walls could Show … 

They would flaunt masterpiece of art you've potrayed in my heart 

If these walls could Sing … 

They would serenade to the enchanting rhythm of love 

If these walls could Scream … 

They would shout outrageously forbidden words I’ve been longing to say

 

But if these walls could Keep a Secret … 

They would conceal too many buried deep down inside. 

XOXO